Did I Marry A Psychopath, or Just Someone With ASPD?

My curiosity is not for myself (I am way too emotional to fit the ASPD mold), but for my ex-husband. I have this need to understand almost everything that I deal with. I have always been that way.

After separating from my ex-husband, and having dealt with my nightmarish mother-in-law, that same need to understand things is once again overwhelming. After reading Dr. Robert D. Hare's book Without Conscience, I couldn't help but realize how much he had described my ex. My curiosity, maybe even hopeful doubt, is me wondering if it's really Psychopathy. I am way too close to this to make an objective decision, so I'm here.

He was always:
- Glib: he would lie, even embellish, himself in order to look good.
- Attitude: His inability to shut his mouth when someone stepped out of line, as far as he was concerned, would frequently result in him losing/quitting his job.
- Gambling Problems: This ties into the whole "Sex, money, or food" motivations described by several Psychologist's, such as Dr. Hare.
- Speaking of Sex: When we moved to Florida, I was so depressed that my sex drive completely tanked. Often when I'd refuse, he would make me feel guilty, and there were a few times I gave in because I was hoping it would "Jump-start" me. (At this point, I had no idea what I was experiencing was depression, because I wasn't chronically "sad".) This leads to...
- Lack of Empathy: He couldn't empathize with me, and wouldn't even fake it. I was alone, with no family or friends. When I told him I just needed him to understand what I was dealing with, he didn't get it. He completely seems to lack the capacity to empathize with me.
- He more/less ignored me. I held no interest for him whatsoever.
- He gets bored easily: I have always noticed that if he is physically, or intellectually stimulated that he thrives. His attitude is better, he gambles less, and things are overall pretty okay. It's when he gets bored that he seems to get into trouble.

There might be more that I am not thinking of right now. I have to go in a few minutes, but here are some things that do not fit:

- He never cheated on me. Silly, maybe naive to think this, I know. I always told him that I didn't care if he "had fun" elsewhere, and even encouraged it. He never gave in. Especially when my sex-drive was nil, he mentioned girls who would flirt and my immediate (and serious) response was "why not?" Perhaps because I didn't make it taboo, it held no interest?
- Even though I doubt he ever really loved me, he seems to still (perhaps feign) care about my well being. He was the first person between us to say the "L" word, but since then, asking him if he loved me was like forcing a 5 year old to apologize to their peers.

Like I said, there might perhaps be more that I am not thinking of, but I am in somewhat of a hurry to get this typed. Thank you for your input, and any insight is helpful.

Now that I have a few more minutes to sit down, I can expand on my Original Post.

A few more things which come to mind regarding my ex-husband:
- People always tried telling me he tends to lie a lot, but I refused to listen to them, and even defended him.
- He always had a way of getting money from me. Many times I would stupidly hand it over without question. When I did say no, I literally had to sleep with my wallet under my pillow.
- Because of behavioral issues, he was expelled from high school, and did not finish until I pushed him to do so. He always would paint himself in a righteous light, or seemed to exaggerate. One circumstance which comes to mind is when he talked about a teacher hitting him with his own wallet chain in elementary/middle school. Thinking back on it now, I highly doubt anyone deals with as many abusive teachers in their lifetime as he claims to have.
- He had a way of making me feel like an idiot: He never hit me, nor was he ever directly verbally abusive, but he certainly talked down to me a lot.
- He would forget things he said to me: One time he went to the corner store, saying "I'll be back in 5 minutes." Two hours later he returns to find me worried and furious. He dismisses it and says "I told you I was going to be gone a while..." I called his bull. We fought.
- Whenever there was something important that needed discussing, he would say "I don't want to talk about this right now." It was as if anytime I wanted to have a serious discussion "now" wasn't the right time. Ever.
- Whenever I did voice my opinion without letting him talk his way out of the discussion, I was making it all about me. Then he would proceed to make me the bad guy.
- Things said earlier on in the relationship, supposedly by his mother, he revealed to have actually been said by him. These things were hurtful things, and he would pick the worst moment to say them to me, rehashing their hurtful impact. Earlier on, he insisted to not know anything about these things and that his mother must have said them.

That's all I can think of for now. Feel free to ask me anything, and I will most likely answer. I want answers. I spent 9 years with this guy, and now I have a hard time developing healthy relationships because of the damage he did to me. I doubt every guys motives that I end up dating, no matter how genuine they seem. When I have an anxiety attack, I also get moody and ultra-introverted. Thankfully I have wonderful and understanding friends, but they cannot answer my questions anymore than I can.

Yes from your description he might well be a psychopath or maybe a narcissist, they are similar both lack empathy.

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I couldn't give a diagnosis, but at least you are through with him.

I have read some vague theories regarding the first year of life having an affect on someones ability to feel empathy, and perhaps leading to Psychopathy. Unfortunately, I have not been able to find more on this, but if the theory is correct, then my ex-husbands theoretical Psychopathy, and he resentment of his older brother could be related.

My theory is this:
The first year of life, Erik Erikson referred to this as the Trust vs Mistrust stage. Perhaps because his brother was only 13 months older than him, the attention my ex needed to develop properly (neurologically speaking) was not given. Instead he saw all this attention given to his brother. He might not remember his first year of life, but it may have still played an important roll in his development.

This perceived favoritism was actually witnessed by me, when his mother gave his brother care of the car when she moved to Florida. Mind you, everyone, including the mother, knows how careless this guy can be with things. Yet still, the keys were given to him. Not my ex, when at the time I was pregnant. Also, one thing I can say about my ex is that he is VERY good at taking care of cars. He keeps them clean and maintained. My brother-in-law does not. In fact, the car was totaled in his care. I can confidently say, it would not have with my ex. (Hey, I give credit where it is due.) This is only one example of the favoritism witnessed by myself.

This perceived favoritism did my ex-husband no favors with his childhood development. Rather than dealing with behavioral issues, his mother sent him to his birth father in his 4th stage of development (pre-adolescence), who in turn was forced to send him back because his birth father's wife wanted nothing to do with him.

However, by this time the damage had already been long done. By having a second child so close to the first, this pulled her attention away from one child when it was most essential. I think this was what happened to my ex. A child's need for attention is vital to it's development, vital attention my ex did not get in his infancy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by marmaduke Yes from your description he might well be a psychopath or maybe a narcissist, they are similar both lack empathy.

He doesn't really come across to me as a Narcissist, and he never did. When he lied about, and embellished himself, it always seemed to be in order to "keep up." Like he felt inadequate, so he made up for it with lying. I just don't think he fits the mold of a Narcissist. Might just be me. Thank you for your input. I will look further into it. He may be both?

This is a quick reference on Erikson's 8 Stages of Development:
Erik Erikson | Psychosocial Stages | Simply Psychology

So, I found an article that actually supports your suggestion. On further reflection, I believe he is both a Psychopath, and an Introverted Narcissist.

Reason's I think he is a Psychopath, still:
- He makes a fantastic first impression, and puts time into doing so
- Holds conversation well with others, even though he has no knowledge on the subject.
- Is able to talk others into doing things for him, and is quite good at it: For this reason, he was always the one to handle certain matters, dealing with haggling and money.
- Speaking of money, he was great at making it.
- Seldom did favors for people if money was not an offer for payment. He never did something for nothing.

However, this following article makes me think you have a point on the Narcissism as well.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog...ert-narcissist

From your description he does sound like a narcissist.
IMO narcissisum is inherited, his mother clearly had a favourite what is known as a *Golden Child* a child they adore who (in their eyes can do no wrong) This child is privileged.
This type of NPD mother then selects a 'scapegoat' child who can do no right, who is ignored and dumped on.
Anyway, that's how it was in my family.
My mother was ice cold.

Maybe your husband inheirted his mother's NPD?

In cases of severe neglect or abandonment at birth a child can develop R.A.D (reactive attachment disorder)
In brain scans their brain is smaller than average and there is little activity in the Amygdala (where emotions are processed)

Basically it seems their brain shrinks though lack of stimulation, much like if you never used your arm it would atrophy and become weak.

I don't know if any of that fits?



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Some of his symptoms are also similar to a manic / depressed bipolar. Does he have any mentally illnesses?

This doesn't seem to fit. I don't think the neglect was that severe, just enough to cause unconsciously developed resentment. His mother does come across to me as extremely Narcissistic, but more outwardly and extroverted, whereas my ex seems to be more introverted.

No. His moods are relatively stable for the most part, except for the occasional outburst. He never seemed to have ups and downs like someone with manic episodes or bipolar would. It was one thing I always (till recently) silently envied was the way he could beep cool in any situation and not lose his temper.

Well, at least he is your ex-husband.

Just stumbled on this thread.. i know its old, but i feel the need to input this.... there is a HUGE misconception here! A sociopath (someone dxd w/ aspd) and a psychopath ( think serial killer) are not one in the same! True that many " psychopaths" maybe dxd with aspd and both "seeming lack remorse" for their behavior. The outward personality traits on surface may be simular charming, manipulative, emotionly detached, thoughtless, unable to admit fault, hypocritcal expectations, and either incommunacative ( paasive aggressive) or explosive anger when challenged or confronted possibly to the point of violent. But there is one MASSIVE difference! ENJOYMENT. A psychopath enjoys and literally gets off on hurting others. A sociopath on the other hand, hurts others and doesnt really care because getting their needs met are all that they can see/ understand, but they do not enjoy harming others. Their harmful behaviors are ingrained survival skills.

We can't evaluate him but we can support you. Have you seen a therapist to process this? It may be healthy for you. It's understandable that this is on your mind. I think ultimately you need closure and a therapist can help you with closure.