[leomama]

Has anyone been the recipient of the ST? If so, what have you done to deal with it?

[kaliope]

i personally enjoy the peace. if someone wants to be immature and not want to talk, i let them sulk and continue on with my life and not let it bother me. they are using it as a way to control me and i am not going to allow that control. i am not going to beg and plead for their attention. they can stew, im going to keep going with my life.

[ShineYourLight]

Originally Posted by kaliope

i personally enjoy the peace. if someone wants to be immature and not want to talk, i let them sulk and continue on with my life and not let it bother me. they are using it as a way to control me and i am not going to allow that control. i am not going to beg and plead for their attention. they can stew, im going to keep going with my life.

it seems your right in some ways but very wrong in others. From a person who suffered from anxiety putting in your mind to "let them eat their own medicine and not caring if they want to be childish" is not a smart move...That only brings more frustration to YOUR mind. Because now in the back of your mind you have voices telling you"dont do this he/she is stupis" they dont deserve it"

[leomama]

Kaliope, thank you, I am familiar with that approach, and it takes a lot of emotional strength to do implement . How do you deal with phone conversation hang ups?

[ShineYourLight]

the silent treatment is ok in most cases....But if you cant forgive the person before you give them the silent treatment then it wont work as effectively. Think of it this way....I walk around my house with forgiveness waiting for the person to come back....They can see im not being strange around them but a type of strangee they may not have seen before..its becuase im offering them total forgiveness and its waiting for them! playing the silent game isnt a game, its a lesson

[Nammu]

I've been told that the silent treatment is a very hostile strategy. I grew up with it and it is very cold and narcissistic.

[kaliope]

Elsa it… Let it go… I very much understand anxiety and that is why I take the approach I do towards people… people who treat me this way simply do not exist in my life.… I do not have time or energy to tolerate them… and I know people will say but there are some people you have to put up with and I counter this with no you do not have to put up with anybody… You always have choices…you do not have to answer phone calls, we do not have to answer your door… We do not have to continue relationships with our family simply because they are blood related. Even at work I have the right to refuse service to people Who create too much anxiety.

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[Nammu]

Silent Treatment Is Toxic To Relationships - Business Insider

Having grown up in a house where this was a weapon of choice I can tell you it is devastating on children.

[leomama]

Thank you nammu I too get that from my father however in this case I was talking about my partner, whom I do not have a child with and who does not live with me.

[LifeGetsBetter]

The Silent Treatment, or shunning, is a form of abuse.

[Random]

It seems odd the silent treatment would be stressful. I mean, my dad loved doing this and you'd think peace and quiet would be soothing instead of other ways of showing anger. But it wasnt. It was more like some weird mix of a lit stick of dynamite and a 5 year old pouting. My anxiety would go through the roof with the silent treatment.

I would go in another room, my bedroom, and hide out for the night and usually by the next day whatever offense he had taken had usually washed over. Sometimes I'd wear headphones and listen to music just in case the dynamite exploded.

[hazn]

It can be a form of abuse; and in my opinion, is extremely childlike. The impact it can have on a person shouldn't be underestimated.

If someone wants to be an immature little child, let them. It's not your problem, and reacting is only going to enable them to repeat the behaviour in the future. Be assertive, and let them know in no uncertain terms that you're not going to play this game.

My mother used to do it. The b i t c x

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I've been told that the silent treatment is a very hostile strategy. I grew up with it and it is very cold and narcissistic.

Agree. My mother was a narcissist, sulks were long and frequent.
Everything. All. The. Time. Had to be about her.
Her voice was the only voice allowed to speak. The slightest misdemeanor, the smallest infraction of her rigid rules, like if she thought I'd opened the larder door would result in verbal abuse then a long spiteful sulk.

A missed childhood. Shunned/being sent Coventry was a normal day.

Wow. It was bleak.

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[keleeemo]

Originally Posted by Nammu

I've been told that the silent treatment is a very hostile strategy. I grew up with it and it is very cold and narcissistic.

Me too. My parents wouldn't talk for weeks and as a small child it was scary. My Mom had issues and still does, cold and narcissistic is the perfect way to describe my mother. My Dad died in his mid 50's and I'm sure all the games didn't help. He would go outside and work on something and basically enjoy the silence doing something he liked.

I never use the silent treatment because it bothered me growing up. I once read something to the effect of hate not being the worst thing, It was indifference that did more damage.

[Atypical_Disaster]

Yes I dealt with this for my entire childhood until I was in my 20s. What I did was do it right back to whoever was doing it. Worked for me but I'm a Narcissist myself.

[comethisfar]

Leomama, sorry to hear that you are getting the ST from your partner. It is hard to be on the receiving end from the person who should care... Can you make out whether this is in response to a behavior our attitude you have? Is there a pattern to it? If so, have you tried to talk about when you are not hurt or angry? And if it doesn't correspond to anything you do it may work to depersonalize it...very hard to do but if you keep working on it and it is nothing to you with you, you or your relationship are not triggering it, I hope you can eventually come to realize that it is not about you. This might help you address it with 'wise mind' and set some boundaries as to how much you will tolerate and when you expect your partner to respond to you!

[Chyialee]

OK, I guess I'm gonna be the somewhat-dissenting voice here...? In my family there were/are 2 people, one of them a daughter, whose "fight-style" is simply to keep accelerating any argument with repitition and louder volume. Talk about exhausting! This is also what my partner does. It is very intimidating: the claims &/or accusations get louder, more vivid, and more exaggerated; realtionships to reality get blurred, and then the "YOU ALWAYS!" /"You NEVER" !! swords come out.

The only, and I mean only, way to disentagle from the high hostility and extravagant, damaging claims is to shut up and walk away. And I do. I will not be "Word'Bludgeoned" into submission. I've said what I had to say; the combatants are not going to beat me up with endless louder repetitions of whatever demand,grievance or projections (real or imagined). I'm done. I used to cave in just to make the LOUD go away (Aspi-emoji,heh). Not anymore.

And it's my one and only "weapon". Yes, it drives partner and daughter nutz. They both truly believe (or so it seems) that if they simply say something frequently enough, loudly enough, insistentlty enough, that makes it true: And i will suddenly see the light and proclaim, "OMG you are RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT and I am sooo sorry !" lolol not gonna happen. Not anymore.

Detaching from an enmeshed argument that has dscended into chaos and accusatory damage is not, imho, abusive.

Just my take. xo, Chyia

[hazn]

Oh, in some cases (such as hostile/abusive behavior) it's absolutely necessary to disengage... for sure.

[leomama]

Today my SO was doing that so I confronted him. Probably the wrong approach.

[Mygrandjourney]

Originally Posted by leomama

Today my SO was doing that so I confronted him. Probably the wrong approach.

Well, you would know it was the wrong approach by his response to the confrontation. I think the best you could do is, as they say, create a life worth living for yourself, in spite of his provocations, mindtraps, head games, etc. Build the most rewarding and enriching life possible. Treat yourself as the valuable person you most obviously are. My guess is that he will not like that and try to cut you back down at every opportunity he can.

[baseline]

When my spouse is angry with me I get the Silent treatment. He literally walks away and it could be days before he will acknowledge me. It is hurtful and degrading. It make s me angry but he knows I will get over it and so the treatment continues. I haven't had it in awhile and I am also more empowered to speak up now since I been to therapy.