[H3rmit]

I have been having great difficulties with my husband of 8 years. He's been flipflopping from ... let's say love to hate ..in days. One day he thanks me for being me, for being cool, a week later he's terrified of me. I haven't done anything in the meantime.

In fact, I can't do anything, I'm hundreds of kms away and we are taking time part, having been for a couple months now. I have other family crises too, but this move and the heartbreak of seeing my marriage on the rocks has been the toughest time of my life.

Before we got married he told me of his experiences with hallucinations, and that if he went to a pdoc, he'd be diagnosed schizophrenic, but now that I've just looked into that a bit, I guess it'd a schizo-something disorder or some other personality disorder or two, because he is very functional and knows when he's hallucinating.

But he has definitely built me up as a monster in his mind, and blames me for everything, and has unusual interpretations of things in that beautiful mind of his. Friends that I've talked about his behaviours and my experiences were thinking of schizophrenia and mentioned it before I said anything about his beautiful mind.

Looks like I'm going to be divorced, which I never wanted. He won't even talk t me on the phone, and today he deleted me from skype because he was triggered into a panic by seeing my smiling face on there. I put on a new profile pic for other people I talk to. I didn't think a smiling face should bother him, since last week I was so cool and worthy, according to him.

I feel a lot of stress in my body. It's hard to release that stress. Maybe it's not too late to go swimming tonight, though it is a little late. The hot tub sounds good. I don't like driving in the dark, though. I am very sad and overwhelmed often, and doing the best I can. It's hard to spend the day on myself as I intended when I'm hit with this dramatic behaviour again and again. We were supposed to heal during this time apart, but we havn'et gotten a break from the same old crap really.

[comethisfar]

Hi H3rmit, I am sorry you are going through such a tough time with your husband. 8 years is quite a relationship and I am sure you have lived through a great deal for it to come to this. Your last sentence is quite telling - you are not getting the intended break both of you needed but are enacting the same patterns as before just over a distance. Instead of focusing "what" it is that has you in this negative spirale (schizophrenia, a personality order...) it may be worth on focusing "how" you can both get out of these self-defeating, draining and unproductive patterns? What do you have to do for yourself to really get better, get a break? I read between the lines that you really need some time away from the drama. If that is what would make you better have you tried laying some ground rules to make that happen? Not talk, message, look at each others social media for - say - a week? My guess is that this will cause a mega-drama with him but if you are serious about changing the dynamic and if you can get across that it is something you need for yourself and are not doing to hurt him or to shut him out or to leave him, in fact that you are trying something that will break the destructive pattern precisely because you don't want your marriage to fail.......In all fairness, I know way too little about you and your situation to give you any good advice so in short I am encouraging you to focus on what you really need to get better. As caregivers, we all tend to try and control the behavior of our loved ones and alter the catastrophic outcomes that behavior has. It seems to me that you are at the point of realization that that is simply not possible. So I am just encouraging you to see it through and focus on what you can control: your health, wellbeing and some semblance of happiness. Better things can happen from there, maybe with your husband and maybe without him! I wish you strength!

[H3rmit]

Thanks for your reply, comethisfar. He is the one that wanted the break, not me, and while I have finally set some limits and been able to make space for myself, it is after months of damage done. It feels like everything is too late. He doesn't love me and is pulling further away, letting go, he says. He enjoyed his first two months, while I was here literally trying to renovate this place where my stepdad has left, after my mother died 10 days before the marriage blowup. So I am bearing multiple crises while my husband enjoys the familiarity of our place, with more space as I'm not there, and a new job that he absolutely loves.

I'm trying to take care of me, but my mind turns to dark thoughts often, and despair. I am using every resource I can get - counselling, social connections, actual friends from back home, by phone,, exercise, good food, meditation, you name it. It's not enough as I have nothing to live for. I lived for him, he took everything, and i never made a life for me. It feels too late for me, today.

I am the one that initiated negotiating some ground rules before we separated, and we worked on them in writing. But then he had an agenda/demand that we did not negotiate and didn't make sense, and started mailing a lot and acting crazy and blaming. Only after 2 months of this did his agenda slip out! All I wanted over a year ago was sit down as equals and resolve some issues, with or without a counsellor. When he finally sat down with me, refusing professional help, he just got angry, finally blew up and the separation is the result. He doesn't know his own emotions, and only this week have I discerned that the whole hallucinations-related issues may in fact be a personality disorder that is dominating the situation. I'm not a caregiver, just a spouse. I can't control him, of course. We both tried to control each other, very codependent. He has more power and success now and seems he is doing it more now. It's a horrible mess and I'm not sure how to do anything positive for it.

This week he even had some spasms about not sure he could face seeing me again as we planned. This was crushing and I felt recurring and great anxiety. I managed to negotiate something that resulted in him sending the first email that seems constructive rather than blaming. Just on one particular issue relating to our perhaps talking by text and then on the phone before we meet again. I'm afraid to look at the other 3 mails. We don't have social media, just email

But while he has been bragging of his emotional self-sufficiency for months, a new idea he came up with, he also sent 350 emails and blames me for his emotions. The nonsensicality of it has been maddening. I'm a very logical person, and I have difficulties understanding normal people, never mind him in full-PD mode, or whatever is going on here! I feel very dismissed, rejected, and beaten down by his judgments. As well as the putdowns, the rejection triggers deep abandonment issues I have. I need more connection and support. I miss that feeling of being loved, though I'm not sure it was even real. I am working to heal in many ways, but the bottom line is I have nothing pulling me forward to joy. It's all push, and I am tired.

[comethisfar]

Hi H3rmit, I am very saddened by your message and I recognize the dark, hopeless place you are in - I have been in a similar place. It is very hard if not impossible to believe in light at the end of the tunnel. Of course everyone tells you it will get better and I will tell you the same: with the insights you already have, all things you already understand and everything you have already put in motion it will eventually get better! Please hold on to that hope and keep going! Keep focusing in yourself!

Another suggestion that I would make to you is to look up some specific support groups and literature. You can private message me anytime you believe this may be useful!

[Mygrandjourney]

Have you checked out NAMI? They may have support groups in your area. They help people in relationships with those with mental illness.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by comethisfar

Hi H3rmit, I am very saddened by your message and I recognize the dark, hopeless place you are in . . .

Another suggestion that I would make to you is to look up some specific support groups and literature. You can private message me anytime you believe this may be useful!

Thank you for empathy. I really need more of that in my life.

I have read and continue to read a ton, probably too much. I try to apply things. I don't trust myself to do the right things. I've lost any sense of centre. I'm going to check out one of the local CODA groups while I'm here.

What I really feel I need most of all is something to live for, something to be absorbed in. It doesn't seem to come, much as I try to accept that the worst-case scenarios about my marriage are far from fatal. (Oh, the irony.) And so carry on... but there is nothing to pull me forward. I have all this time and space to myself, and I have made little of it. It's always getting up to zero at best, no more. The glass is half full ... of ****, so I should be happy it's half empty, I suppose. Well, there's a bit of dark humour, anyway. Yes, that's a good one.

If there are any books or groups you'd recommend, let me know. If I see no reply, I'll PM you on that. PS I'm in Canada. Thanks again.

[Mygrandjourney]

Schizoaffective disorder is typically severe depression or bipolar disorder along with psychosis, such as delusions/paranoia and hallucinations. Many people with it initially resist treatment, especially medications, until they "hit bottom" with it and are in some way forced to take medications. Many will start with self medication with alcohol or other drugs, including cannabis, which may seem to provide some relief, but in reality can make things worse. It's very real and is considered a severe and persistent mental illness, meaning chronic.

[H3rmit]

Well, that's interesting about schizoaffective disorder, but I don't think it applies here. He has hallucinations, but there is no clinical diagnosis, nor will there be one willingly sought. I thought he might be something like schizotypal personality, but only a clinician can say that. I'm just saying it to give an idea of the patterns. They may not be clinically significant. That is not the point. He's rabidly antidrug, including alcohol, and anti-medical for the most part. He's teaching at university, so he's coping well it seems. He's got life all sorted out and just doesn't need me in it, apparently.

Maybe he'll crash and burn without my help, but no indication of that right now. He seems to be happier without me. He's pitied me and looked down on me for 2 years, and I didn't see that clearly until recently.

I am suffering from feelings of abandonment. I have experienced the trauma of childhood emotional neglect, CEN, and so that has deep roots and has defined my life.

[yagr]

Originally Posted by H3rmit

I thought he might be something like schizotypal personality, but only a clinician can say that. I'm just saying it to give an idea of the patterns.

I was diagnosed back in November with schizotypal personality disorder. While it's true that I think the doctor should be brought of on charges of malpractice for that dx, I just wanted to say that in the event that the doctor is correct and I'm simply delusional - your husband and I couldn't be more different diagnostically (from what you've shared).

It's not much in the way of an offering, but I'm afraid it's all I've got. My heart goes out to you.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by yagr

your husband and I couldn't be more different diagnostically (from what you've shared)..

Okay, if two people have the same diagnosis for different behaviour, and one person believes the diagnosis is wrong in his case, that doesn't say anything about the other person's diagnosis. Secondly, personality disorders, I understand, are complex and vary quite a bit.

But the main thing being I read about that disorder and it does seem to fit in the eccentricity and beautiful-mindness, very much so.

All I can do is take care of me and keep a hand extended to him, in case he wants to reach back to me. I'm afraid to go silent and just let go of him completely. I may lose him, but I'm not going to act like I don't care about that.

My marriage as it was is gone. I had issues with it. It's phoenix time.

[Mygrandjourney]

Personality disorders often go along with other mental health disorders. Often if the primary MH issue is properly treated, the personality issues will improve as well. The client, however, has to participate.

[H3rmit]

Originally Posted by Mygrandjourney

Personality disorders often go along with other mental health disorders. Often if the primary MH issue is properly treated, the personality issues will improve as well. The client, however, has to participate.

Makes perfect sense. He took an online PD test and agreed he had strong characteristics from the relevant cluster. But he's totally cool with those and accepts himself like that and is happy with himself. And uncaring about me. I went and researched divorce for the first time. In sickness or in health - I wouldn't leave someone for having burdensome problems, but for being unwilling to see any problems or do anything about them. I had problems, too. I wish he had had the maturity to point them out and perhaps support me working on them. But he viewed them as my problem and pulled away. This isn't what I signed up for. I helped him all these years, too, and he's not seeing it anymore.

[Mygrandjourney]

I would say that if someone has a condition and willfully refuses to do something about it, then you have solid grounds for separation/divorce. It's too bad he doesn't see any reason to get help and make changes.

[Big Mama]

I am sorry things are not going smoothly for you. I know separation is hard. I am in a similar position right now. I wish I knew the words to say, I wish I had something to add, I wish there was something I can do to help. Alass there is not. But please know that you are not alone. I am thinking about you and it appears that several others here have read your thread and I am sure you are in there thoughts as well.

Give me a PM if you feel like it. I would love to talk to you. Do you ever come to chat here at PC. It's really not a half bad place, and there are quite a few of us who are going threw a separation, made it threw divorce and there are even some folks who have gotten back with there H after some time has passed. That especially gives me hope to hear about people who beat the odds and get back together.

Like I said if you need to talk give me a holler.