[cunoodlejax]

Here are the quick back stories..
GF: Very rough upbringing. Never talks to parents at all..like ever. She never talks of them but does often mention the fear of abandonment.

Me: Great supportive parents and a great upbringing. Through stressful times in our relationship and making poor decisions on my own I started drinking alcohol too much. I've since cut that out and now see the light. My attempt here is to "right" many of the wrongs that I have done.

Issue:
One night (I was drunk) I screamed at her and yelled at her to "get out of my house." I'm the one paying the bills but we both live there together and it should be OUR house. I completely betrayed her and I now know how negatively this affected her. I feel horrible about this and I want to attempt to make her feel like its our home and/or give her a sense of comfort. Do you happen to have any suggestions on how I can make a house that I own make it feel like it is "our home." I HATE that I did this to her and honestly want to make an effort to give a major sense of security. As a result of this and numerous other poor decisions on my part we are on very very rocky ground and I'm attempting to fix this. I don't know if it is fixable or not but I am going to give it everything that I've got. She's extremely special to me and I really want this to work. I, for so long, "knew" all of the issues were her fault. Since cutting out the drinking and taking a step back I've realized that I am SO much more in the wrong than I ever thought. Shes a special person and deserves so much more than what I did to her. My attempt here is to make things right.

Side note:
If you are drinking I'd suggest cutting back and/or even consider eliminating it. There is no good that comes of it. Since stopping drinking I'm down in weight, sleep less and have more energy.

[Skeezyks]

Hello cunoodlejax: Well, of course, there's couples counseling. That might be a good idea if the two of you are up for it. Then there's simply telling her everything you've written here. Presumably you've done that? You've stopped drinking & come to realize your own part in the relationship difficulties the two of you have had. That is to be celebrated!

I'll tell you that my wife & I have been married for over 30 years. So something is going right. (Little of the credit accrues to me, I'm afraid.) Personally, I think it's the little things that make a long-term relationship. So my suggestion is to simply look for opportunities to do little thoughtful things for her... every day. Watch for things she likes & try to find ways to do those things for, or with, her. It shouldn't be a big deal. Some of them she may not even notice, or at least comment on. It's just a lot of little things strung together day-in & day-out. Does that make sense?

Also, listen. A lot of men, I think, tend to not hear half of what their significant others say. This becomes particularly so as the relationship matures. They just nod their heads periodically & say: "uh-huh" from time-to-time when they think it's appropriate. Listen to your lady & genuinely take part in the conversation. Make an effort to be interested in the things she's interested in. Don't just always assume that she'll go along with whatever it is you want.

Personally, I believe if you do these things, day-after-day, week-after-week, month-after-month your relationship will stand a great chance of succeeding. My personal opinion would be that no grand gestures are either necessary, or perhaps even desirable. It's all of those little things you do every day that make the difference. Good luck to you both!

Wonderful! You can talk here, now talk to her. Are you engaged? Did you buy her a diamond? No woman wants to live with a guy, get used then kicked out. They want some sense of security. If you want to do something special and still be single then i suggest you take a room in the house and decorate it for her as her special room. And do it with love like you really mean it. Carve a nice sign with love on it or something and hang it in the room with the date you were a couple. That means a lot. Love is with actions not so much words. And you have to ask her forgiveness for being a jerk and say you were wrong. Put the romance back into it but a special room speaks volumes..tc and hugs

[cunoodlejax]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Wonderful! You can talk here, now talk to her. Are you engaged? Did you buy her a diamond? No woman wants to live with a guy, get used then kicked out. They want some sense of security. If you want to do something special and still be single then i suggest you take a room in the house and decorate it for her as her special room. And do it with love like you really mean it. Carve a nice sign with love on it or something and hang it in the room with the date you were a couple. That means a lot. Love is with actions not so much words. And you have to ask her forgiveness for being a jerk and say you were wrong. Put the romance back into it but a special room speaks volumes..tc and hugs

Thank you for the great advice. I wish I could talk to her more but she has been staying at a friends house for 80-90% of the nights. I've resorted to the rare times I can get some face time with her and I've also left out countless notes for her. This is going to take a lot of work but that is ok. I'm a positive changed person and am going to continue to live this life. My only hope is that I can get her to also see that. Through daily actions and behaviors I will hopefully get that message across. Any other thoughts or inputs from anyone will be SO greatly appreciated.

[Mygrandjourney]

Good for you for taking responsibility. When you told her to get out, she may have been retraumatized based on her childhood experiences. For better or worse, you will have to be patient and she will need to see you taking action to correct things. She may need to see a longer period of abstinence from alcohol to feel safe.