[curiously1]

A week ago my BPDgf and I had a petty fight and hasn't spoken to me in a week.
It was during the evening very late at night. The argument was first over a movie. And then she wanted to go to sleep, she wasn't asleep yet and while I was talking she was moody and assumed I would keep her up for the rest of the night. I told her not to assume the worst of me. She swore etc. I told her that she didn't have to speak to me that way and that I would prefer she spoke to be nicely and that I would keep in mind what she suggested that we speak in the morning instead. I wasn't so sure because her back was turned, but I think I heard her laugh or try to not laugh. I was not really in a good mood, feeling I was not being taken seriously, packed my things and left to my own place. I felt unloved and cared for and just didn't feel comfortable sleeping next to her.

Before I left her apartment, I sent her a Skype message which she should have received for the next day. I wrote about how I was feeling and that I hope she considers therapy and that I still love her, care about our relationship and making it better.
I am afraid she has splitted me black and will not reply if I reach out. I am unsure if she is angry or has completely gone cold and has no feelings left.
Should I wait for her to reach out for much longer or should I reach out to her?

I am trying to work on boundaries and not to always be the one chasing after her so I've been silent. I'm feeling sad and disregarded that I haven't heard from her. I have no idea if we are still together.

[comethisfar]

If she is a BPD my guess is it will last until you come crawling black. Then she can split you white again.
If you do not want the cycle to continue observing your limits is a good idea. I have learnt that it is important to make limits about me (what I will and won't tolerate and what I will do as a consequence) and not about expectations on my partner (what he should do and shouldn't do). I will try to communicate my limits with love and react calmly when it happens. it is the only way to get my BPD partner to not react with a toxic emotional behavior designed to inflict more pain and suffering on the relationship. The number one predictor whether a relationship with a BPD partner can work is the BPD's willingness to get treatment and their improvement (noticeable to the partner). Wishing you the best!

[curiously1]

Originally Posted by comethisfar

If she is a BPD my guess is it will last until you come crawling black. Then she can split you white again.
If you do not want the cycle to continue observing your limits is a good idea. I have learnt that it is important to make limits about me (what I will and won't tolerate and what I will do as a consequence) and not about expectations on my partner (what he should do and shouldn't do). I will try to communicate my limits with love and react calmly when it happens. it is the only way to get my BPD partner to not react with a toxic emotional behavior designed to inflict more pain and suffering on the relationship. The number one predictor whether a relationship with a BPD partner can work is the BPD's willingness to get treatment and their improvement (noticeable to the partner). Wishing you the best!

I truly did not pick my battles wisely this time round. I should have just went to bed and not try and make her understand how she made me feel while she was trying to sleep.

I assumed that if I was split black, no matter what I said I would just receive a negative reaction and that I am desperate, obsessed, fill in the black.

Are you saying it's nearly impossible for a BPD loved one to come back, consider what you have said once she's on her own for a little while? I just feel like crawling back, and apologising for everything is enabling... crappy treatment. Must they have the sense that they are always in control or something?

Our last break up, she called me names like a madwoman and insane and that I need extensive therapy, that I am just incompatible with her, that I am dysfunctional/unhealthy, that I am an addiciton that will destroy her nad that I am just obsessed with her

Another one is that I obviously am not considering her boundaries, or that I am harrassing her and if I had any regard for her left I would not contact her anymore.

I was hoping I could get her to miss me eventually lol and just break the silence. Other than that, if I did reach out, I have no idea what I would say apart from an apology or whatever she would need for me to paint me white. I could like maybe speak about something neutral random topic and nothing to do with the issue or how I am feeling or how she is feeling etc.

But then I could be dealt with more silence...

[comethisfar]

No, I am not saying it is impossible for her to come back. It is possible. What I am saying is that for a continued healthy relationship that includes respect for YOU and YOUR NEEDS it is important she comes back for the right reasons and in the right way. I suggest you don't apologize - from what I read you have nothing to apologize for! You did not intentionally hurt her, ignore her...or otherwise disrespect her. You are experiencing BPD behaviors that are well-described in Stop Walking on Eggshells by R. Kreger - worth a read if you have not read it already. Again, best to you!

[comethisfar]

And yes, trying to control your emotions is another common behavior. it serves to stop feeling so out of control about a BPD's own emotions. So, you let her =another enabling behavior. You know this already ...I wish you strength to do the right thing!

[curiously1]

Originally Posted by comethisfar

And yes, trying to control your emotions is another common behavior. it serves to stop feeling so out of control about a BPD's own emotions. So, you let her =another enabling behavior. You know this already ...I wish you strength to do the right thing!

I will probably just let her deal with herself for a while. I am sure she received my message, there is no way she hasn't. Plus even if she didn't it is odd for her to not speak to me for a whole week.Like if you were very much inlove and into your partner, I don't think this would be happening. As much as it hurts, I will leave her alone. She seems to be busy with her own life. I have no idea if I am completely forgotten yeah I will never know if she is coming back for the right reasons unless she puts some effort into letting me know and acknowledges how I feel too. I mean, she probably doesn't see it that way since that argument that night, and probably doesn't think she did anything wrong so dismissed me? Like yelling, blaming me on everything, possibly picking fights on purpose? (not too sure about this one), is pretty normal behaviour coming for her and might think it's ok even if last time I told her I would prefer it if she didn't treat me like that and spoke to me nicely. She might have found it odd that I told her to stop or she just might believe she is never wrong lol. I have read that book once. I will probably have to go over it again and some other material on this forum and other places I can find. It's quite difficult to be calm at all times and truly practise how I react to things in the moment that it is happening even if I have read some stuff online. I am not always a saint etc. But I am sure I can still improve on my reactions and what I could possibly say to her during such heated times or when she is feeling secure and throws out that 'history is going to repeat itself', or that some disaster is gonna strike our relationship because I might turn crazy or something she is guessing might happen to us. Probably is the best time to keep reading so while she is gone. I will gain something whether she returns something or not. It truly hurts to feel left like this. I could pretend it was some miscommunication and she's just waiting for me to respond but still, I think that's just an excuse for me to go chasing after her again and to say what... sorry? It truly is emotionally exhausting and I need a break too I think. She doesn't even want to talk to me about what's going on in her life, like the mundane stuff she's up to doing the day so something must be up with her. I can't do much right now other than letting her come back in her own time I don't think...

[comethisfar]

You sound well thought-out and clear-minded about what's going on. Good for you! Believe me I know it's hard to execute that all the time! Very very hard! Don't give up on doing the right thing'

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Bottom line it's bad behavior and the relationship is not healthy. Understandably, you are not happy. If you want to try to stay with her, go to couples counseling. She will need to take responsibility for her issues and you do the same. We all have issues and a relationship takes two. If she refuses counseling or will not own up to her issues, there isn't a way to work this into a viable, loving partnership. That is my opinion. Give it a try. You deserve happiness.