Forgiving pathological liars

Are we supposed to do that?

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There is no yes or no.
We need to decide the best way to deal with it for ourselves (that which is healthy for us)
You don't have to do either. There is no supposed to...

That's a great question, leomama. I have asked myself that more than a thousand times...I agree with winter4me: the only "supposed to" that matters is that we are supposed to lead happy lives. And we are responsible for that. I am trying to balance whether the really dark moments of being lied to and feeling like you will always be betrayed are grossly outweighed by the happy moments. That's really all I can do.

That's about where I'm at too. I read up on pathological liars last night. If you want to stay with them there are ways to let them you're on to them. However in the end I wonder if it's all worth it.

My personal opinion, I think it depends on what forgiving represents to you. Will it be apt to reopen pathways that allow future lying? Because that's no good for anybody.

I think it's far more important to make sure you forgive yourself, because when people screw us up by lying to us the worst part of it is how it can degrade our trust in ourselves. When we trust and get punished for it, it gives us the message that we can't trust ourselves, and it can take some time to rebuild our trust in ourselves. So those who have negatively contributed to degradation of self-trust, and aggressively, are way down on the list for me, for who I'm worried about forgiving. I don't harbor anger, but I'm not going to be a party to anyone's game-playing when important trust is on the line, and with a compulsive liar it requires vigilance that forgiveness does not always support.

Thank you. I don't think forgiving is necessary. So how do you end a relationship with a pathological liar?

Interesting question. I guess it depends on why they perpetuate the lies and also how important they are in your life.

Ending a relationship is always hard, so I guess the simple answer is: the hard way. Ending a relationship with a pathological liar will be made harder still as s/he will use her tactics the same way s/he did during the relationship: to manipulate you into a state where you will serve their needs, not yours. I know I make it sound like a voluntary or intentional decision on their part but it may not be! Regardless, the effect on you will be the same. I think the best you can do is plan ahead, distance yourself as much as you can emotionally and expect the worst of behaviors. I found I can prepare for some of the worst things to happen in advance by writing them down and planning in detail how I can/will react. It helps me to remain calm and not get sucked into the vortex....

Forgiveness is meant for the victim and not the perpetrator. So, the short answer is yes, one can forgive and it not be harmful. And if one is in a relationship with a toxic person then it can be difficult to move on. Manipulation is key to their success of having possession over you. If you have family and friends that can support you through this time, please tell them what has been going on and what you should do in case the worst were to happen.

I suggest you start writing down a list of reasons why you are leaving them. What they have said and done to you. And just keep writing as you ride out the waves of the breakup. When it is over, burn the piece of paper as a way to claim back your life and put them in your past. Then while you continue with journaling your thoughts and actions, write down all the positives in yourself and the kind of happiness you want to see form into your life.

I hope this helps, sorry I rambled a bit.

I'm sure if you google that you will find an array of alternate advice; I can only tell you how I did it, which was with the solidarity of my friends who came with me to get my things, and who stood by me and responded on my behalf when the person I was leaving was saying anything to try convince me to stay. Their answering for me (just stuff like "she doesn't want to talk to you", but reiterating it as many times as it needed to be) allowed me to focus on getting what I needed, and while I left a few things behind it was worth it. My friends had realized before me that he was lying to me, and been deeply hurt for me and frustrated by it, so when I'd finally had all I could take they were relieved and happy to help me make the break. All they were doing was standing by me and not allowing him to talk his b.s. to me, but for me it was immeasurably helpful.

Maybe I could have been nicer about it, but all nicer had gotten me so far was further entrenched in this person's lies. I needed to make a clean break. This person was lying to me about money he wasn't really making, opportunities that weren't really happening, drugs he supposedly wasn't taking, and looking back I think I am very lucky that nothing worse happened to me as the result of any risky behaviors he was involving me in by proxy, besides my almost going broke fronting money for all the expensive plans he had that he was never really going to be able to pay me back for later. I was pretty far in the ditch by the time I was finally able to face up to the fact that it was all a farce. For me though, I've found that the more I've had to cut my losses, the more I've learned from an experience, and my tuning fork for lying has been a whole lot keener ever since. Small favors.

My therapist says, they don't deserve to be forgiven but we deserve to forgive them.

#Life is a beautiful lie#

I think I'm more curious as to what kind of lies people are willing to tolerate as opposed to deal breakers. For example smoking, what if someone lies about smoking? I have a few other examples. Obviously cheating is a deal breaker .

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What about calling them on it and making them accountable?

You can't make anyone accountable in my experience : children, partners, parents. With children you can give consequences. With partners and parents you have to decide what you can live with.

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[QUOTE=leomama;5076564]Are we supposed to do that?

I replied to your other thread. I think it may shed some light on things. I didn't give advice.

[QUOTE=rainyday107;5148386]

I saw, I have a spiritual tradition to help me deal with forgiveness issues. I set a boundary with my boyfriend so I'm good now. Thank you for replying.

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Setting a boundary is calling someone accountable. So you have done this.

Thank you I broke down the r/s and am now building it back up . I confronted him and told him I had a list of a dozen people who told me he had lied. I'm not sure what his problem is

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I'm not a forgiving person when crossed and I am open about that.

I've found that confronting pathological liars never goes well, that's just my experience. If they want to stay in denial about it then they will. There's nothing I can do to somehow make them stop, I don't have that kind of power. It seems to not matter how directly you confront someone like this, if they aren't ready to own up to it you can't force them to.

This is an excellent question. For me it's not really what people lie about, it's a matter of how often they lie to me regardless of what the topic is. There's a huge difference between someone who only lies occasionally and someone who seems to lie with every word that comes out of their mouth.

Obviously there are exceptions to my rule, because sometimes the one lie that was told has proven to be too harmful for me to continue whatever kind of relationship I had with the person who told it.

There are different severity of lies.

Well of course there are.

There's a huge difference between someone saying they forgot to call me back when they were really just talking to someone else, and a woman pretending to be male over the internet and not telling me until I go visit her, lol.