Help with Wife

My wife and I have been married for almost 2 years. We dated for almost 3 years before we got married. Our entire relationship has been almost perfect. A couple of weeks ago, out of the blue, she tells me that she wanted a divorce. At the time I was pretty angry and upset. I never saw it coming. She texted me the next day and told me that she loved me and that I was worth fighting for. We spent some time together and things seemed to get a little better. Then she told me that she feels like she is in a funk that she cannot get out of. She only wants to be alone. We are still together and we're working to get through this together. She is seeing a counselor pretty regularly. Right now it seems to be day to day. There are days when she seems like the girl I married. Then there are days when I feel like I'm living and sleeping with a total stranger. I'm in our marriage for the long haul. My vows said in sickness and in health, and I'm aware that depression is a mental sickness. I guess I'm writing all of this because I'm tired. When I'm around her I put on a front to try and make everything as happy and fun as I can. I put the smile on my face and try to make things as normal as possible. Then when I leave the house, I emotionally break down. Is there hope in this whole situation? I do believe that we as a couple are going to be okay. She has assured me that the whole "Divorce" stemmed from the funk she was in. She told me today that she don't want to talk about any of it, and thats why she has a counselor (Who she likes very much) She just wants to be left alone and deal with it. My question is, WHAT DO I DO? I'm new to all of this and have never dealt with anything on this level. I feel like I'm helpless.

Hello ScottCuster: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry your relationship has hit this snag. Of course this whole situation is taking a toll on you. The short answer here is you probably should see a therapist of your own. You need to have the opportunity to talk all of this through with someone. And in therapy is the place to do it.

At some point along the way, perhaps the two of you may want to consider some marriage & family counseling. But for the time being, you simply have to arrange for some support for yourself. Being here on PC can help too. But it's not a substitute for real-life services.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Hello ScottCuster. I am the depressed spouse and I'll share what my husband does. We have been married for 40 yrs and my "I want to be alone" hit me 3 years ago. I have taken medication for depression for 20+ years, but after a few deaths in my family close together, the medicine is less effective.

Anyway...I have the best husband in the world (in spite of his faults, ha ha). My husband allows me space when I need it. He is not bothered by that. (Means he gets full control of the remote!) I use this "alone time" to experience no stresses or triggers. I can just BE, (safe in the dark). I watch Netflix, surf the internet, or sleep. To me, it is like a reprise granted so I don't have to think about anything.

My husband does not put up any front at all. He is just himself. That is the best thing for me. I know I'm the one who must battle this depression and he understands that, so I don't have to feel guilty about staying isolated on top of the depression.

I don't expect a big grin on his face when I emerge, rather, I feel relieved that he is still himself! He will typically pick on me (jokingly, as is our custom) and he can tell from my reaction if I'm having a good moment or I'm not.

He will do the shopping or whatever when I don't think I can bear to go out. I know he accepts me as I am and he supports me no matter what. He is my gatekeeper from the phone calls or requests made of me by others if I'm not up to it. I am honored to have such a support system (just him).

He is like a dream, but also a rock, a center, and someone I know will never desert me....all by just being the same man I married.

I know it is hard to think that there really isn't much you can do to help her than just support her. But you can't fix it. She will find the strength to overcome it eventually, I believe, with all the support and respect you give her. Just being you can relieve her from the guilt many self-isolating people feel for not being able to be themselves right now.

Hope my experience has helped a bit. Best wishes to you. ...Oh, and if the word "Save" shows at the bottom of my post, I didn't put it there. It's a fluke I've experienced lately..??..

Thank you guys. I have started just giving her space when she needs it. I guess the hard part is that all of this was just so sudden. Before we used to love spending time together. So much that if I got home a little late from work she was calling telling me she was so ready for me to get home so we can just be together. Now its completely opposite. I'm learning to cherish the "I Love You Text" that she sends me more and more because they don't happen near as much as they used to. I would be more than willing to see a therapist for myself but she told me that she feels so guilty to know that she is also putting me through a rough time. I feel like if I went to see a therapist for myself, she would feel extremely bad and guilty for having put this on me. I'm learning to take all of this one day at a time.

I think that being the partner is tougher than going through it, in a way. I feel terrible for my husband and what he has to go through.

You can learn all there is to learn about depression(? you didn't say specifically...so sorry for the assumption if it's wrong) so that you can understand about it. You can read here. It's very difficult to know what it's like unless you go through it, so don't tell her that you understand. I can tell you what I, personally, liked and didn't like...

I hated being encouraged to go out with the family. I hated being asked what was wrong. I hated discussing my feelings.
What helped was knowing that I had a shoulder to cry on at 2AM. A doctors appointment made for me (and driven to). Excuses made to my family when I couldn't talk on the phone. Small comforts from the store...emails have become super important because it's a little easier to explain if I'm having a good day or not so good day...and I LOVE the assurances that I get from him in return...a simple "I'll get dinner", "don't worry about anything", "I love you"....they go real far in making me feel less horrible.

I hope others comment with more help, as I feel a little like the bearer of bad news...but I DO have some decent days now. I actually smile.

She still loves you, ScottCuster, whether she can express that or not right now.

She is meeting with a therapist for the 3rd time today. It seems to be helping some. She always feels better right after. When we went to bed last night she laid her head on my shoulder for the first time in a long time. I just held on to her and enjoyed it while I could because I didn't know what was going to come the next day. I left for work before her and have texted her today. She seems to be having a pretty good off day. Just taking everything one day at a time and learning one day at a time

Scott, I just want to thank you for loving your wife enough to get on a forum, and get as much info as u can on the situation and supporting her. It is really refreshing for me!!!

I'm just wanting to be informed. When we said our vows we said in sickness and in health. I understand depression is a sickness and I want to do whatever I can to help. I also understand that with depression, there are some things that I can't do or things that I don't need to do. I'm just new to this and I'm trying to figure everything out.

If you are not in therapy then get a therapist even if you see them only 2x a month. Having mental illness in the family is hard on everyone. Please get support from a professional.

I think you are doing well.

I had a terrible day today. I emailed my husband and told him (as I like him to not expect much on days like this) He emailed me some wonderful words of encouragement. I felt safer after that, like maybe I would make it through the day. I get that I need to do what I can myself, but some days I can't.

My point is that I can keep that email and read it, as I did all day. What you are doing does help, even if you can't see it.

i think therapists do help people. they give us an outlet of thoughts, and empathise with us. some are not as good as others, each has their good and bad qualities, and if you find yours you'll be happy-research online or visit a clinic-good luck and have a nice day.

((((HUGS))))
Hope things get better soon