[96lrigdas]

Hello everyone!

I'm a 26 year old female who has been dating an amazing woman for around 3-4 months. She disclosed to me early on that she has been diagnosed as bipolar and we're struggling to make it through the effect it's having on our very new but promising relationship.

TLDR; very fresh (3-4 month) relationship with a woman who just moved to town. She’s just coming to terms with the fact that she’s bipolar. She does not take medication, and no longer goes to therapy. She’s very proactive as to knowing what her triggers are and seems very responsible and self aware. I try to talk to her about her lack of interest in sex with me (last night, in bed, wrong move on my part) and she responds negatively. Says she doesn’t know what’s causing her low sex drive, it could be a million things (her mind is a jumble of issues). Says she hates being a burden to other people and she hates seeing me hurt and not getting the things I need and that she wants so badly to be able to provide. Says she doesn’t know where to begin to fix the sex issue and doesn’t want it to be something she needs to work on with me. Wants to deal with it on her own. Additionally, does not think she’ll ever be able to fix the issue now since we’ve talked about it (2 times, gently) and there’s too much pressure when there was already so much pressure before. I feel like she’s pushing me away because she’s ****ing terrified of getting hurt and of hurting me. I want her to know that I’m willing to work through this and be patient, whatever it takes, as long as she fights for me. But I don’t think she has the fight in her. Because she wants to desperately to give up, because that’s what she thinks she deserves, it’s what’s easiest. Do I leave like she wants me to?? What the **** do I do?

First off, this girl is truly truly great. She's about 2 years younger than me and we met randomly because she rented out my room when moved to my town from out of state. We hit it off, immediately, after our first phone call, and were quick to express our 'crush' on each other after meeting in person. I left for a month (which was why she was renting my room) and we stayed in contact via text and phone calls.

The girl that I have gotten to know is smart, so so kind, thoughtful, and cares deeply for other people.

She tearfully told me a few weeks into my return home that she is diagnosed bipolar, has told less than a handful of people (including me), and that she is not taking medication. She also no longer sees a therapist since the one she trusted and had been seeing for years lives back in her hometown.

I was like, okay, this isn't a big deal (my dad's a therapist and I grew up knowing that mental health issues are common and not to be feared). I tried to ask her more questions about it the following day (are you bipolar 1 or 2? why don't you take medication? what are your highs and lows like?) but she rejected my questions and SHUT DOWN. Couldn't look me in the eye, just laid there until I left. We regrouped the next day and she let me know that she didn't want to be seen as this disease, like, she just wanted me to know her as her, and someone who experiences emotions more intensely than others at times. I understood this, and while dying to want to know more information, agreed that we wouldn't talk about it, and if I were to ask her questions, it would be more about how she feels things and not about the disorder itself. I said this knowing that I was going to need to know more and be able to talk about it more in the future, because whether she wants to admit it or not, I'm going to be affected by it. The same way you'd be affected by any behaviors, habits, wants/needs of the person you're in a relationship with.

Anyways. We date for a month (see each other almost every day). Things are going well. Her roommate and good friend arrives to live with her, this puts strain on us. I feel her pull away, I try to confront her, she denies. I push and she invites me to hang out, we have a great day. That night we talk, and she admits that she thought she was going to be able to handle dealing with her own stuff and caring about her friend and roommate and caring about me and our relationship but it feels like too much, and she's going through a sad time and doesn't have anything to give me. She isn't able to communicate with me and doesn't know how to 'fix' things or give me what I need. The next day I tearfully ask her not to give up, and she agrees, says she doesn't want to. We agree to slow things down a bit, to relieve the pressure. I go away for a few days (she texts me the entire time), come back, we have a great convo where she explains she was feeling overwhelmed and sad. I tell her I need her to communicate with me during those times...let me know what she needs. Alone time, whatever, I'm cool with it, just communicate. We also briefly talk about how I’d like to have more sex (it’s rare for me…around once a week maybe). She’s had past trauma so sex is weird for her, and talking about it makes it more weird. I tell her I can be patient, she tells me that I have needs and she might not be able to meet those needs. I tell her again that I’ll be patient, and we both hope that it’ll get better.

Here’s where it get really ****ed up: my roommate and dear friend (who we shall call C), who has also become very quick friends with my lady friend, also has bipolar. Towards the end of our first month dating, C has a severe downward spiral into depression, and threatens to kill herself. My other roommate and I immediately do everything we can to watch her and try to get her professional help. C ends up committing herself to the psych ward after an especially bad episode one night. It’s extremely traumatizing for her and everyone involved (myself, my other roommate, and eventually her family who visits for a few days). My lady friend is witnessing all of this, firsthand. It puts more pressure and strain on our relationship, but nothing intolerable. We’re both just really, really aware of everything and it’s A LOT.

Another month or two go(es) by, the pressure builds. We like each other so much and are really feeling very comfortable around each other. She has weird times, I have weird times, we deal with it.
C gets out of the hospital and things calm down after a week or so.

Past two weeks, lady friend and I have sex maybe once or twice. However, we are doing so well together, during the day, and she is affectionate. At night, she lets me kiss (rarely her face) and caress her, but it’s not sexual. She makes no sexual advances, pulls away (gently) if I try anything. It leaves me feeling unwanted and undesired. I knowwww logically that’s not about me, but I can’t help feeling this way. We are new and fresh and shouldn’t be able to keep our hands off each other. I need to be able to at least talk about it…need to be able to work towards something, because right now I’m reaching around in the dark and it’s lonely. At the same time, I know she’s feeling all this pressure, and knows that I want sex, and she doesn’t, and must feel just ****ing awful about it.

Last night, we are making out (!!! so rare right now), and she gets immediately distracted, as she usually does. I poorly decide to ask her “are you not interested in having sex with me?” while we are still in bed. She reacts negatively. Says she doesn’t know what’s causing her low sex drive, it could be a million things (her mind is a jumble of issues). Says she hates being a burden to other people and she hates seeing me hurt and not getting the things I need and that she wants so badly to be able to provide. Says she doesn’t know where to begin to fix the sex issue and doesn’t want it to be something she needs to work on with me. Wants to deal with it on her own. Additionally, does not think she’ll ever be able to fix the issue now since we’ve talked about it (2 times, gently) and there’s too much pressure when there was already so much pressure before.

I tell her I’m willing to work on things, she tells me she doesn’t want it to be my issue. Basically says there is no solution and she feels like she has to make all the decisions, what do I want to do? I’m over here feeling like I have no choice. No sex for a time is not a dealbreaker for me…the good things outweigh that so much. But she’s telling me she can’t work on it. Doesn’t want to work on it with me. So what I am left with?

We continue to try to talk, there’s lots of tears, eventually ending in me going home because we aren’t able to sleep in the same bed. Now we’re supposed to meet up tomorrow to continue talking about things (during the day).

I feel like she’s pushing me away because she’s ****ing terrified of getting hurt and of hurting me, and of her disorder. I want her to know that I’m willing to work through this and be patient, whatever it takes, as long as she fights for me. But I don’t think she has the fight in her. Because she wants so desperately to give up, because that’s what she thinks she deserves, it’s what’s easiest. Do I leave like she wants me to?? What the **** do I do?

I think I already know the answer is to let her go and let her figure out her stuff on her own. Especially if she isn't willing to work on things with me. Just need to hear other thoughts.

Sorry this is so long. My gratitude in advance for anyone who reads this and has advice to give.

[Skeezyks]

Hello 96lrigdas: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

With regard to your post, the Skeezyks is probably far from the best member, here on PC, to be offering you advice with regard to this situation. (Actually, the Skeezyks dislikes giving advice under any circumstances.) I guess what I can say is that, from what you wrote, it seems as though what all of this primarily comes down to is frequency of sexual relations. So, from my perspective, what you're going to have to decide is simply what's more important... your relationship with this lady or your need for intimacy. Yes, I realize there are a lot of subtle interpersonal things going on here as well. But, again from my perspective, there is a danger here that both you & your lady can become (possibly already are) so entangled in the morass of conflicting emotions that you can't come to a decision with regard to the one variable you can actually control... how frequently you have sex...

Part of the problem here, it seems to me, may be that your lady is in denial with regard to the seriousness of her condition & her ability to heal herself. Possibly she's simply too worn down to care... depression will do that to a person. Or it could be that she actually likes the drama that continuing to be at the mercy of her disorder creates. It does sound to me as though she's getting a lot of attention as a result of this set of circumstances. However, the reality of the situation, from my perspective, is that you can't really know what is going on inside your friend's head. And you also can't make her seek the mental health services she needs. You also can't make her become a person who is capable of fulfilling your needs. You can only express how you feel as clearly & openly as possible; & try to listen & understand what your lady is telling you. Then you must make a decision, with regard to whether to stay or to go, on the basis of what you understand to be the case.

My thinking, for what it's worth, (probably not much really) is that what this comes down to is how serious this relationship is. If this lady is someone you imagine you could develop a long-term relationship with, then I would say it's too soon to throw in the towel yet, so to speak. Over the long haul, there will be many "bumps in the road" as they say. And part of keeping a long-term relationship going is to learn to patch things back together when the need arises & to move on. On the other hand, if this just feels like a limited-term relationship from which the two of you will more than likely move on anyway, then best perhaps to let it go now.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!