So lost in my realtionship need guidance

Hello I'm knew to this all of this in general, my last gf had bipolar disorder but I found out towards the end so I never knew much of what it is or what it causes. I've currently been in a 2 year in a half year relationship with my current gf. We have had a great life so far. I knew from the start she had family mental history. She informed me of what she had as well, she told me that when she is done in a relationship she is done and she walks away. We have had I would say at least 5 major fights since we been together. Granted I do have anger issues which I have been seeing a therapist for I have always acknowledged this as a flaw in character. I those 5 major fights I have laid my hands on her once and I only grabbed her to shack as she was not even there. I know that I majorly screwed up and even if I just grabbed and not hit that is still a form of abuse. We talked and decided that we will move forward and we would love each other and changes would happen. Slowly I worked and worked and worked as I let her live in the present while I planned for the future. We had a blow out fight this past Saturday which left me so confused as to why it got so heated over something so little. She said it broke the camels back on lack of communication and or disconnect. Needles to say I'm so lost due to the fact that we talked finally and I did ask if she wanted to break up she told me no. She said I don't know what I want but I don't want to break up. We did discuss about how we have become roommates and not lovers. She informed me that she has been happy with me till the fight, but she also has been happy as me being her best friend. I told her that I need to know if we are still in a relationship. She said yes but she can't control the disconnect she feels. So again this is so confusing to me, she doesn't want to break up but we aren't current connected. I sleep in the same bed as her we live together and as of Monday I've been given her hand written letters each day informing her of how I have let our love dwindle and how we stopped dating do to so busy living and trying to make a dime that I didn't nurture our relationship. I was so busy planning a future with her that I didn't stop to live the right now with her. I've been opening myself 100 percent in these letters hopping that something will spark. I'm so hurt and so pained and so confused I'm barley hanging on by a thread. She is just living her life all smiles and like nothing is affecting her. She told me I agreed to couples counseling let's go from there. So I know she is still in it some how, or she would have walked away. She is the love of my life and I've been telling her I'm not going to let us go down and I'm not going to let her down like everyone else in this world. But honestly it's hurting and taking a toll on me . I've set up to see a therapist for myself because anxiety and panic is all I see currently. She does let me touch her but we haven't kissed and she tells me she loves me. I don't want to overwhelm her or be overbearing. I told her I don't' want you to do anything you don't want. We had a great day yesterday and I'm trying to reconnect by doing everything I've been saying to her in these letters. I've started dating her like when we first meet. I still need some help so I'm reaching out to anyone that can give me some advice or guidance.

Hello chevygoals: I'm sorry you & your gf are having this difficulty. However, from what you wrote, it sounds as though you're doing pretty-much everything right. So that is to be celebrated!

I don't know as there is much of anything else I could suggest. Personally I'm a fan of trying to find little things to do for your significant other. I don't know your gf... so I don't know what these things might be. But look for opportunities to do little things she'll enjoy & appreciate. Don't overwhelm her. But simply look for opportunities whenever possible.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Sounds like you're doing all the right things. The hard thing now, as you're finding, is that this all takes time. So be patient, and be kind to yourself too, as well as her.

Thanks for the feed back, it's been such a struggle not trying to overwhelm her. We have had a good week as she takes her space and I'm just confused. I honestly don't know how I'm keeping it together. She opened up to me on Saturday and was 100 percent real about how I've been making her build this wall up for a year now. How things that happen in the past really affected her. I told her I had no idea, and if I did I would have done something about it. Like got off my butt and started some changes. Last night I asked to hold her hand, she said she really didn't want to. I said ok I understand and we continued to watch t.v. I couldn't help the tears roll down my face. You know I don't cry as often as I should but when I do I can't help it. She asked if I was crying I told her no. she paused the show and said yes you are, got up and got me a tissue. She returned and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I started to say you know how I feel and I know how you feel. There isn't a thing I can do to make you be where I am but give you time. All I can do is keep trying to show you that what I've said isn't a lie and keep asking hoping to see change in us. She said I don't know what to say, I told her you don't have to say anything it's not your fault. I'm pretty sure I've made you feel like this and I didn't even know. So we continued the show I got up went to the restroom to try and compose myself from completely breaking down, came back and we went off to bed. I got the bed ready as she was in the restroom. Got in bed and tried to stop from hurting more. she crawled in bed and held me, which if I was trying to control myself I just let go. I'm not a big noise maker but I do shake a lot when I'm crying so I know she felt that. I have been waiting for her touch for so long it seems. I told her she didn't have to since I know how she feels right now. She said she knows but she wanted to, in that instant I wanted to freeze time. I wanted to stay there just a little longer than that night. I was scarred to fall asleep because I'd miss the touch and the feeling of her holding me. She finally said she was rolling over but she scooted very close to me which again has been awhile. I know time is the hardest thing to give to someone when they ask for it as being patient and none overwhelming. I'm hoping this is a big step in mending our relationship. Thanks again for the reply's I'm doing everything I can not to loss it and praying that everything turns out great.

Thanks for the feedback, we have gotten along so god this week. Saturday night she let me know 100 percent on how she has really felt. She let me know of past experiences and current ones. It hurt me so much and pained me to know how she had been feeling all along I thought she was ok. I told her that I didn't know all this and if I did knew before I would have got of my butt and started some changes, so she wouldn't have had to build a wall this past year. She told me people all just want something from you and they take it people can't be trusted. I told her only thing I want form her is her love that is it. I don't want to control her and or take anything. I told her that this isn't an attempt to grasp for something because I'm scared of being alone. I told her that I've been alone and found out I can do that and that I'm not scared of the break up. My biggest fear is losing the one person I was born to love because of my stupidities. Because I was so caught up doing everything else but loving her like she deserved. I think I might have got to her a bet, last night I asked to hold her hand as we where watching T.V. she said she really didn't want to. I said ok I understand, it hurt me but nothing I can do but understand her. I don't cry that often but when I do tears just fall down my face I make no noise just the tears. She asked me if I was crying I said no, she paused the show and said yes you are and got up. She came back with a tissue and asked if I wanted to talk about it. I told her you know how I feel and there's nothing I can do to make you be where I am. All I can do is keep trying and give you time hoping it will change the outcome. I said hopefully it's not to late and you see that I'm not lying. She said I don't know what to say. I told her she doesn't have to say anything it's not her fault. I told her I'm sure I've made you feel like this and I don't even know about it. I told her all I can do is hope pray and keep on trying. We continued to watch the show and when it was over she asked if I was ready for bed. I said sure, I got the bed ready and laid in it and tried to control myself so I could sleep. She came in and crawled in bed and held me, that's all it took to let myself go. I cried and shook the bed because I'm a shaker when I cry hard. I told her she didn't have to hold me because I know what she felt and she said she knows but she wanted to. In that moment I wanted to freeze time as I didn't want to lose it. I was so scared to fall asleep that I might miss and lose out on this precious time. She finally said she was rolling over and she scooted closer to me. My heart melted I hope this is a sign of a healing relationship. I don't want to overwhelm her I know time is the only thing I can give her which is so hard because all I want to do is wrap her up and hold her.