Spouse of Aspergers

I think my husband has Aspergers. He has not been diagnosed but I have a nephew who has been diagnosed and there are too many coincidences to not take notice.

Anyway I wanted to see if there were others on here who also were married to someone with Aspergers. How do you cope?

I am struggling with my own anxieties and I often find myself taking on his fears to be my own. I know that is my own issue but I wanted to know if that was common among others in the same situation.

My husband is a great man but there are time I truly struggle to understand and even deal with him. I really need to find others who can relate.

Hello GnomeOnMyOwn: I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. I'm afraid I cannot offer any useful advice. I am the troublemaker in our household. (And I've actually never been officially diagnosed with anything that I know of.) My poor wife is an expert at simply waiting for the storm to pass & moving on from there. I have no idea how she does it. But I'm most fortunate she can.

Wrong planet. Join their forum. The most people on the spectrum and those surrounding them, in one place, on the internet. If you want to educate yourself that is the first-hand source.

I suggest you eat chocolate first. Its a lot to take in first trip.

Thanks. I'm pretty patient myself but it gets hard sometimes when he thinks I am against him when all I am doing is trying to help him understand the world around him.

Thanks for the suggestion I will check them out. And chocolate is ALWAYS a good idea.

My son and my H have Aspergers. It is very difficult to deal with. I just want you to know you are not alone. I have found that T has helped. It helped me understand him better and it helped my H learn new behavior patterns. Good luck.

My son has Aspergers and my husband I both agree that he himself has some traits. Not enough to warrant a diagnosis however. I have a friend whose husband is likely Aspergers and she has one heck of a time with the things you've mentioned. I hope you find the support you need.

Wow. So incredibly awesome reading about how difficult we are to be with and care about...

For many of us, being expected to read facial expressions, body language, emotional cues, and such is tantamount to being expected to read minds. Neurotypicals tend to not communicate directly... and accuse us of having the communication problem. That's not much different from just yelling in your native tongue at someone who doesn't understand you because they don't speak your language. But, hey, that's okay; because we are the freaks, the morons, the jerks, the problem.

And this is why I've been alone all my life and will probably be alone for the rest of it.

What problems are you having specifically? I'm not diagnosable autistic, but have a set of problems that is similar, so it's almost like I'm half-autistic. I feel like I'm "sometimes" able to translate between the two groups pretty well.

Actually, my ex also has some subclinical autism-like traits, and a mental health professional once opined that he might have AS. He has a somewhat different set of problems than I do though, so he was in the suffering neurotypical spouse role.

Mm, it is perhaps a bit insensitive to post a topic like this in a forum for people with the disorder in question.

Yeah, fortunately for me, I like being single, because I've got enough problems to deal with without trying to keep a partner happy. As far as I can tell, the relationship me and my ex-fiancé had was actually better than what people who want romantic relationships will usually settle for... but it was still kind of a weight off my shoulders when he said we should break up.

I really can't relate to being the black sheep. I feel like I am the one keeping things together, keeping people together, keeping projects going etc. And I have aspergers. I think one mistake people do is compare aspies with each other. Like "Oh so you're an aspie then you must have the same trouble my husband/son does", and they mention something I don't even directly connect with being an aspie, like having a lot of aggression and throwing things, for example. Besides my off and on anxiety I am quite chill.

I've also become the group's "psychologist", I assume I am good at listening and understanding? If not, why do they come to me? Also they come to me when they messed up something practical and I can often help fixing it. I am the one who budgets and lives within my means. If that is some aspie rigidity I'm glad I have that. Most my friends don't. Their money just disappears.

Also I also try to help a lonely lower functioning autistic person who actually is quite hard to deal with. But I told myself I will not just be the next one who walks away.

My friends really appreciate me. I of course appreciate them as well. I try to be a good person. I try to fix things. I try to keep everyone happy.

So I wonder what issues the bothersome aspies have. Because no, it's not just self evident, we don't know what those things are. And also for spouses of aspies to communicate, they also need to know what those things are, right? Or they don't know what they are talking about.

When I see posts like these, my thoughts at once go into paranoia mode like "They think aspies are terrible, I am terrible, I am subhuman and I destroy everything around me!" It's not at all true, but it is an automatic thought that comes cuz... I don't know.

Also as an aspie you don't have the right to complain about NT's cuz they are the sane ones... even if they drive you nuts! Emotions are valid only if "we" drive "them" nuts.

Anyway I don't want people to take care of me. I'm quite too busy taking care of others.

My son has aspergers and is the easiest person to love on the planet. Your explanation about mind reading and other people being cryptic and not direct as very often true. Thank you for sharing your experience and I hope I did not offend as it was not my intention

I'm also an Aspie and can categorically state that my wife is a saint when it comes to patience (she has reached her limit at times, but it's understandable.. I'm not the easiest person to live with).

Before I was diagnosed, we could get into really heated arguments over stupid things... but when the notion that I was on the spectrum was brought up, she started to use a few techniques from school (hadn't occured to her that I was an aspie (she figured I was just a grumpt jerk at times)... but she has had a lot of experience as a teacher educating children on the autistic spectrum).

Since then, it has become a lot more chilled at home... I haven't changed as such, but with knowledge my wife has taken into account certain 'limitations'... such as not springing sudden change on me but giving me time to digest it before we or I have to do it.... or avoiding going to the shops when it's peak time and going to be busy and loud (I have noise sensitivity issues).

I guess knowledge empowers... if there are things that you find stressful, don't avoid it all together, just look for a different way to approach it

very true Toejam. I have been in T with my H for quite some time now. I have learned lost of coping mechanisms.

I have learned that when my H flips out and gets angry it is usually a underlying issue. I have learned that when he starts cleaning a lot or demands that we clean it is because he is trying to regain control of something in his life that is out of control. His clothes have to be folded a certain way and certain noises really bother him. I have learned that he often says things that are mean but has no idea most likely. I have learned that when things change it is very hard for him to adjust. He is a creature of habit big time.

I have also learned that I have to talk to him in VERY CLEAR and VERY DIRECT ways, almost to the point hat it makes me feel uncaring. Beating around the bush jsut does not work. And assume nothing when it comes to what they should understand. No one is a mind reader especially my H. If you can;t read minds, and facial expressions, and body language and you have a difficult time with spoken words then it is hard to make a correct assumption.

Saying what you mean really helps yea. Nothing like someone hinting things to the point even an aspie knows it is a hint, just not what it is about. So I ask, are you hinting something? They say no! Because saying it as it is is "rude". But lying isn't rude. And them blowing up on me when I still didn't get it wasn't rude either. Normal NT stuff I suppose...