[C2424]

Hi all, hope you're all well 🙂 thanks for taking the time to read my post, I could really use some opinions and support!

Last weekend, I broke up with my girlfriend - I had been unhappy for some time, I couldn't see things getting better (actually, they were getting worse) and I had major difficulties communicating with her.

Despite never being in a relationship before with someone who had NPD, I began to notice some behaviours from her early on that didn't sit right with me, and after doing some research, found that some of these could be behaviours of people with this disorder.
I was wondering if anyone with experience in this area could help me out and offer me some insight, because although the relationship is now over, I'd like to draw some conclusions, and be more aware for next time.

I'm a 31 yo guy from Oz. About 6 months ago, I started dating a woman my age from Latin America. She had some family in Oz, but hadn't been here that long. I speak a little Spanish and have been exposed to Latin American culture my whole life, and had even spent 6 months there a couple of years ago. We really hit it off and I began to think I'd found the woman I'd like to settle down with. At the time, I had no idea about NPD or anything of that nature.

A few weeks in, I noticed her doing some things that I didn't feel comfortable with, but didn't deal with appropriately, because even though I knew better, I let myself get caught up in the moment - at that stage it was all love and smiles.

For example, she rushed the relationship into something it wasn't ready to be, very very quickly - she told me she loved me after maybe 3 weeks or a month… at first I dodged it and thought 'it must be the beer talking’ or something. But she persisted until I said it back, even putting words in my mouth (she texted me once and said 'you’re falling in love with me’). Eventually I reciprocated, just so she’d stop pestering me).

At the same time, she stroked my ego and bombarded me with compliments, which I returned. We texted a lot. She wanted to go overseas with me for my birthday in January, as some of her family were already going at that time. She was kind and nice to everyone, from waiters, to my friends and family, to hers, etc. She was charismatic, funny, good looking, and great to be around.

Around Christmas time, I started to see aspects of her personality that I didn't like at all. For example, she came over on Christmas Eve, at about midday, and announced to me she had to do some Christmas shopping and needed me to drive her to the mall, please. I did, and then found out she’d done absolutely none at all. That was the first time I thought 'wow, this woman is actually really self centred’.
I had bought her a nice, thoughtful gift, not too expensive, but not cheap either. She bought me nothing, and for Christmas gave me a crappy, hand me down gift that she already owned, and had hastily wrapped that day :-/

I was off work over Christmas and NYE for 10 days, and I had looked forward to spending some more time with her, as she was free as well. Somehow this didn't happen, I don't remember seeing her at all between Christmas and New year's, which I spent with her. By Nye I had become really fatigued by the situation, her attitude had become aloof and even a little nasty towards me by that stage.

She seemed to have a knack for pushing boundaries and limits intentionally, like avoiding me, flaking on plans, saying nasty things and putting me down, then the next day bombarding me with compliments again. An interesting thing to note is that except in the early days, she had this massive need to control everything - so on weekends, we'd never do anything I suggested, like go up the coast for the weekend… despite the fact she had no better ideas, so the weekend would be wasted away doing nothing at my apartment.

Just after new year's I became fed up with her bs and told her to get serious, explaining that if she wasn't interested in a respectful, serious relationship, we should go our separate ways. She dodged this and said something like 'I don't want to talk about this right now’ and avoided it. So I broke it off, explaining exactly why, then deleted her from all my social media
deleted her number, any means of contacting her.

A week later I got a text from her saying 'I miss you’. We chatted for a bit and then I suggested we meet up and talk. We did, 2 nights later. Somehow, she flipped every problem and bit of blame back on me, distorted the truth, and what have you. I didn't want to make a scene in the pub where we were eating so I just agreed with her and we 'made up’.

Since then things haven't been great, she spent 2 weeks overseas in January over my birthday (I had decided that I didn't want to go because we'd had a pretty bad fight etc, so she booked for an extra week, I felt this was to 'punish’ me). Also, her true personality revealed itself - nasty, manipulative, caught her lying about small things, saying she'd come over then not show up, until I'd text her and ask where she was, she’d respond with something like 'i had to work late’ or whatever. (So why didn't you just text me and let me know?)

So last Sunday morning I ended it, because the relationship was making me miserable, and I believe she was lying about some pretty big things also, and seeing someone else. I won't go into why I suspect this, the post is too long already.

So what I'd like to know is… what makes people behave like this? Do you think, given what I described, that this woman was a narcissist? Where does the sadistic behaviour come into it? The need for control? The lies?

I felt the best course of action was to do no contact, and I would be happy if I never saw her again. I'm not going to rush out and start dating again, I feel exhausted right now after all this.

Many thanks for your insights/advice/support/whatever

C

[Skeezyks]

Hello C2424: I'm afraid I cannot comment with regard to your questions. This is outside of my realm of experience. However I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[RainyDay107]

I'm not qualified to explain narcissism, but I married a malignant narcissist...he was great in the beginning like your ex...and I then proceeded to be verbally abused (severely) for sixteen years. I was so confounded by his behavior to me.

I fled (literally) and divorced. High conflict. He was diagnosed as a narcissist during our divorce. He stalked me, threatened, harassed me. His goal was to cause me pain. He was enraged I left him.

We have no relationship whatsoever and that is best. He's the most controlling person I've ever met. Money and image were extremely important to him. My only regret was not leaving sooner.

You dodged a bullet - a big one. I cannot diagnose but you did the right thing.

No contact is important. You sound very mature...it's a bad idea to engage in any argument or conflict. It will not go well. She will likely have to "win" and you may be subject to her wrath. Block her on your phone, FaceBook, everything. Actually, maybe change your number if you think she might contact you. She's likely moved on.

My therapist told me narcissists are very insecure and are running from pain. They must project "perfection" to the outer world; exposure of any self-perceived weakness, being wrong, etc...it's not an option. They will not own up to or lack insight to do so. They don't ever apologize...they are always "right," you're in the wrong.

There was no empathy with my ex. I truly believed he loved me in the beginning and planned to spend my entire life with him. He didn't love me and he did not have empathy for anyone. He's the most superficial person I've known.

He wanted me because he found me attractive and I made good money. He liked that I'm a lawyer. He found it prestigious. I looked good on his arm and dressed to his satisfaction, etc. I basically was an extension of him...to boost his image. Kind of like an accessory. He projected a positive image, performed well at his job, was polite to people, etc.

At home, he was horrid to me. Lies, manipulation, selfish, gaslighting, etc. He controlled me and had an irrational jealous streak.

Basically my therapist summed it up as to why my ex never loved me. She said a true narcissist can only have one relationship - and it's with themselves. That was an eye-opener.

Take care, see a therapist if you need closure on it. A trauma therapist is who I went with, as I have PTSD from his abuse. You got out early...you did the right thing, regardless of labels...she has issues and you deserve better.