[ecoaster]

My mother in law is bipolar and I feel as though I'm walking on egg shells whenever I speak with her or see her. I'm not sure how to separate which actions are due to bipolar and which are due to her personality.
She is:
sensitive
child-like
self-centered
high energy/high strung
easily upsets
doesn't sleep
worries a lot
everything is dramatic and worst case scenario
talks fast without pauses
expresses her achievements often, every story is how she saved the day
can't relax
constantly moving
cleans nonstop
rearranges furniture in the house weekly
obsesses over things
retells stories over and over

In the decade I've known her, I've never seen her depressed. Her family has always attributed everything she does to the bipolar. There is never an apology or accountability, she typically offers a long list of reasons why everyone is out to get her. Growing up, my husband's father had a "suck it up" attitude about her illness. The kids often had to apologize for things they didn't do to keep the peace with her, and never were able to express hurt or sadness in her actions. To this day, the only person that can hurt is her. My husband has mentioned incidents in the past to her (where she was particularly hurtful) and she denies them.

She recently had a very manic episode and her psychiatrist recommended she see a therapist as well, but she refuses. She has no friends, no social activities and no support group and because she is retired and home almost all the time, her husband is her only outlet. They are extremely codependent and he is sort of assimilating (or has given up) and is not being the voice of reason that she needs.

Does she need to speak with a therapist? How can we encourage that without making her angry? What can we do to show support without constantly getting hurt?

[Travelinglady]

Hello, ecoaster, and welcome to Psych Central! I am bipolar, and I don't think all of her behaviors can be attributed to this diagnosis.

Honestly, I suspect at least one or more personality disorders. But.......I am no expert. So don't take my word as the truth.

However, that said, there's no way you can bring up the issue of therapy without offending her, given what you have said. That's my opinion, anyway. Maybe someone else will think differently. Folks generally agree to see a therapist when their lives get so miserable that they realize they need help. Otherwise, even if they go, then it's not likely they will really take it seriously and work at it.

I assume her psychiatrist has tried to get her into therapy. And if she won't listen to the advice of a professional either, then that's an even worse prognosis. I hope she is taking the medications he has prescribed, anyway.

The family seems to be surviving by attributing everything to her bipolar. I think that's the way they cope. Perhaps you can think "bipolar, plus likely some other major personality quirks"--and try (please) not to take things personally.

I do wish you had a more normal mother-in-law. But she must have had a good son, or you wouldn't have agreed to marry into the family. I encourage you to look at the positive, if things are not going to be able to be changed.

I am sure her husband has learned that their relationship only works if she just has her way. I doubt there can be any reasoning with her. He has likely tried and has learned that it's best that he just leave her alone.

I hope something I have said has been helpful.

P.S. How old is she? She might be getting some dementia. Or has she been forgetful, child-like, etc. all along?

[Little Lulu]

While it is frustrating to have a front seat to such a dysfunctional system as you describe, you will only be the 'bad guy' if you offer any opinions or suggestions.

My best advice - bow this one out and if you really feel you must do something - pray for all of those involved. Who knows, maybe a door will open up in the future and your help will be needed and appreciated but it doesn't sound like now is the time. Patience and acceptance are your best friends right now.

[ecoaster]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

Hello, ecoaster, and welcome to Psych Central! I am bipolar, and I don't think all of her behaviors can be attributed to this diagnosis.

Honestly, I suspect at least one or more personality disorders. But.......I am no expert. So don't take my word as the truth.

However, that said, there's no way you can bring up the issue of therapy without offending her, given what you have said. That's my opinion, anyway. Maybe someone else will think differently. Folks generally agree to see a therapist when their lives get so miserable that they realize they need help. Otherwise, even if they go, then it's not likely they will really take it seriously and work at it.

I assume her psychiatrist has tried to get her into therapy. And if she won't listen to the advice of a professional either, then that's an even worse prognosis. I hope she is taking the medications he has prescribed, anyway.

The family seems to be surviving by attributing everything to her bipolar. I think that's the way they cope. Perhaps you can think "bipolar, plus likely some other major personality quirks"--and try (please) not to take things personally.

I do wish you had a more normal mother-in-law. But she must have had a good son, or you wouldn't have agreed to marry into the family. I encourage you to look at the positive, if things are not going to be able to be changed.

I am sure her husband has learned that their relationship only works if she just has her way. I doubt there can be any reasoning with her. He has likely tried and has learned that it's best that he just leave her alone.

I hope something I have said has been helpful.

P.S. How old is she? She might be getting some dementia. Or has she been forgetful, child-like, etc. all along?

Thank you for your response! It is very helpful. Your explanations make so much sense.

She was self adjusting her meds (seroquel) but I think after her recent manic cycle, the psychiatrist has been more vigilant. When the subject of therapy is mentioned she says that she could be a therapist herself and doesn't need to speak with anyone.

She is in her late 50s and has always been child like. She isn't forgetful. She does retell stories about herself often, but I think it's because the focus must always be on her.

I worry a lot about her husband because his health is not good. He was just hospitalized for heart problems and she had him moving furniture and cleaning the afternoon he was released.

Thank you again!

[ecoaster]

Originally Posted by Little Lulu

While it is frustrating to have a front seat to such a dysfunctional system as you describe, you will only be the 'bad guy' if you offer any opinions or suggestions.

My best advice - bow this one out and if you really feel you must do something - pray for all of those involved. Who knows, maybe a door will open up in the future and your help will be needed and appreciated but it doesn't sound like now is the time. Patience and acceptance are your best friends right now.

Thank you! Patience and acceptance...patience and acceptance!

[Summerfoodie]

Ecoaster,
How did everything go with your MIL?
Im in exactly the same situation, been my husband for 10 years and everything your describe about yours is the exact same as mine. she too was sexually abused as a child and while I feel it is a horendous trauma and can only imagine how she survived she refuses to get counselling. Her mannerisms are Identical, even to the point where she forces her husband who requires a cane to do her shopping and her monthly furniture changes.

How have you and your husband coped all these years?
Have you any words of advice?

Its so good to find people who are going through the same thing. Ive come from a reasonsbly stable family and am not used to the highs and lows, even after 10 years, im still struggling to grt used to her and her manic episodes.

Thankyou so much for describing your experiences.