[rechu]

I may regret writing this all down later, but right now I just need to get it off my chest. Thanks for anyone that has the patience to read it. It's probably going to get long. The past year+ has been so rough for me, I never imagined I'd go through such an extended difficult time.

Where to start, well, I guess last August when my intercostal neuralgia returned. I thought I was finally over that, but I ended up in bed for two weeks on strong pain medication, barely able to move.

Then, in October, things started to really go to hell. My husband works for a government agency. It is underfunded/understaffed and they depend a lot on law student interns that make a lot of errors, so it is stressful. Add to that a vindictive boss that thought he was after her job, and it is not surprising that after trying to reach a solution regarding his excessive workload, he had a major panic attack. His boss took something that he had said in confidence to her and their regional manager and broadcast it to the whole office.

The day of the panic attack, I had to take the subway to his office and drive him to the psych ER, since he was in no condition to drive. He was put on stress leave and given anti-depressants/anti anxiety meds. He was pretty much a zombie and tough to live with. After a few visits with the psychiatrist from the ER, he ended up going to the worker's compensation hospital. They investigated and found him to have stress from overwork. Only about 10% of cases work out in the employee's favorHe was lucky his work has a computer system that showed he was dealing with more cases than his co-workers, despite being out of the office twice a week for a training program he was in.

Oh, and I should mention the night before the panic attack, he accused me of cheating and we got in a big argument. It all was because a co-worker that lived near us offered to drive me home from a work meeting.

At the worker's comp hospital, he went to a psychiatrist, probably less frequently than he should have. He also was on anti-depressants for a while longer and in group therapy with other people dealing with work stress. He said he often felt worse after the sessions. The hospital is overwhelmed by the number of people they have to deal with.

In April, he wascleared to go back to work. Due to the problems with his boss, he was sent to another office. He was optimistic it would be better, but it has its own problems. Several people are under disciplinary investigation and the agency is trying to fire them. Since they are public employees, it is a long process to fire someone. Obviously, this makes for a toxic environment. He also has had multiple problems with the interns he has been assigned.

In the meantime, in April of this year, I quit a job that I had for about 1.5 years. The environment was abusive, the pay was a pittance. My workload was constantly increased without a raise. The owner gaslighted me and ambushed me in front of clients to get me to take on more work. We both agreed I needed to quit. The crappy salary was not worth all that stress. I had my own share of panic attacks.

Since all of this, my husband has seemed to have lost his ability to cope with adversity. When we met, he wasn't the greatest at this, but he worked on it and was much better. Now, though, he is worse than when we met. If he has a bad day, he comes home and looks for ways to argue with me. He has even given me a hard time for not working, even though he agreed with me quitting. Then, I recently accepted a freelance job for a few weeks. You'd think he'd be happy, but then he was in a bad mood and said things like they probably aren't going to pay me. I did my due diligence on this company before accepting the assignment and am quite sure it is legit. It feels like I am damned if I do, damned if I don't. He finds fault with other things I have done that are so ridiculous they don't make sense.

When he calms down, he apologizes and takes it back, says he knows that I did the right thing leaving that job and that the job market is tough right now. He has applied to other jobs and gotten nowhere and several friends have been laid off and unable to find anything. But, that goes out the window when he is having a hard time coping with some problem. I have tried to handle everything at home to lessen his stress levels, but when he gets in that state, he doesn't even appreciate that.

This behavior has gotten more frequent in the past month, and I fear a repeat of last year where he will snap again. I really think he needs to go back the psychiatrist he was seeing in October-November of last year. He agrees at moments, but won't follow through. That doctor wants him to go in for a variety of tests, and it seems like he wants to avoid that. At this rate, I am worried that I am going to get another call to come get him at work.

I feel so stuck. I hate being the target for his emotional stress. I think there is a way back to the way things were when he could cope with adversity, but he needs help to do so. Today I can't stop crying because last night we were planning an upcoming trip and then suddenly he got all angry because lodging was costing more than he thought. He blamed me for not working and said that I should have said no to the trip, when it was his idea to buy the plane tickets. I am at a loss right now and feeling so vulnerable.

[Skeezyks]

Hello rechu: I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation. Unfortunately, I don't know as I have much of anything to offer here. Yes, it certainly does sound like your husband needs to get back in to see some psychiatrist & /or a therapist of some sort, depending on how these kinds of things work where you live. And, beyond that, some couples counseling might be beneficial, if that type of service is available to you. Sadly, as you are well aware, you can't force your husband to do anything he doesn't want to do. Hopefully you are correct & there is a way back to the way thing were when your husband could cope with adversity. I wish you both well in your efforts to find your way through this most difficult time...

[rechu]

Thanks for listening skeezyks.

We had a few good weeks. He was off work for a bit more than two weeks and we went away for 6 days of that. Despite his *****ing before the trip, he actually enjoyed himself.

Unfortunately, the pet sitter let the cats in the bedroom and they knocked over the TV and broke it, plus the washing machine died. Then he went back to work last Monday, so things are kind of tough again. This last week he's picked a few arguments and tried to accuse me of something I didn't do.

Ugh. this is so frustrating.

[rechu]

Ugh, he had a few really good months, but now things are back to ****. His boss is abusing the vacation policy again, despite nearly getting fired for that sort of thing in the past. She's been out for several weeks already and rumor has it, she won't be back until March. So, everyone else has to cover her appointments and other work. He's had two tantrums in two days before he heads off to work, looking for something to get annoyed about.

I finally got a job offer and am starting next week. I am worried if it keeps up these episodes in the morning, it is going to affect my work. I am going to show up on edge and stressed if it happens.

He said he wishes he were dead, there's no point to life. He was talking again about going back to the workman's comp hospital, so I am trying to encourage that. I'm not sure if he'll ever actually go, though.

I hate my life. I'm emotionally exhausted.

[Anrea]

I only notice one thing.

He seems to be the common denominator in all the various interactions with people he has problems with. And you re-state the issues as if this is factual. That all the other people are the problem.

Are you enabling some of his issues, by being a sponge instead of a rock?

Perhaps you need to take care of you a little more, and let him do some crash and burn. It is difficult living in a typhoon yes, and it might break more then a TV - but maybe he needs to hit bottom with a little less cushion to inspire real change.

Yes, you should be exhausted, because you have no place to be allowed to be you, and your emotions - because he is taking up all the space in your life with his issues and needs it sounds like.

Best of luck to you. <3

[Mygrandjourney]

Consider reading my response in "Partners of People with Personality Disorders" to JoeS21 in the thread, "How to best deal with the "part" of her that hates me?"

[*Laurie*]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse