[Aeraleah]

Hello everyone,

I'm really unsure about what I am dealing with at this moment and if any help would be much appreciated. Apologies as this will probably be long...

I am in love with someone, despite telling myself my whole life that I didn't want to ever fall in love because I'll only get hurt. Well I guess I was right.

I was friends with a guy online. He is sweet, kind and poured his heart out to me. We have an instant connection over our crappy and similar pasts. Both of us had substance abusing mothers and absent fathers. His openness with me, allowed me to be open with him and it was nice having someone who understood me. We got close fast. He showed up at the ending of a long term relationship I was ending and was there whenever I needed him. He told me he loved me and that he was tired of being lonely but that he was scared of me, that I would just hurt him like everyone else in his life. He was like a kicked puppy. I wanted to care for him and look after him.

After four months of talking we spent five weeks together. It was like we had been together for years, we were so comfortable with each other. I met his family, his friends and he showed me where he used to live, his schools, places he used to hang out. I decided at that point we would work as a couple. That I did actually love him. Despite myself I fell in love.

We have been a couple for a year now.

Yesterday I received a message from his former housemate asking me if my partner would be returning to get his stuff. He then proceeded to tell me all the lies that he has supposedly told him, me and basically everyone my partner encounters. Now I have caught my partner on white lies and embellishments in his stories. I figured it was meant to impress. But everything his housemate was telling me was connecting dots in my head. Things that weren't adding up.

Here are some of the behaviours he exhibits:

- He's had at least 10 different jobs this year
- Moved from place to place and always blaming his housemates for the conflict
- Tells me not to believe anyone saying anything negative about him
- Has threatened suicide
- Is always borrowing money
- Can get highly emotional and cries
- Tells me he loves me all the time and gets upset if I don't say it back
- Emotionally needy
- He tells me he's always there for me but when I get upset he turns it back to himself

I know this makes him sound douchy, but he has a lot of wonderful things about him that I am attracted to as well. Listing a bunch of negative stuff always makes people sound bad. But as a flawed human being I take people good and bad.

I confronted him on these lies and he swears black and blue that he isn't lying. He told me that he's sick of being accused of lying, hes sick of people hating him. He's scared of losing me.

Up until yesterday, I just thought he was a weird, nerdy guy with bad luck and who was just as hurt as me. But now I've done some reading into his behavior.

I want to believe that he has a borderline personality disorder. Because that's treatable and I can work with him on getting through it. But on the other hand I am absolutely terrified that I have fallen in love with a sociopath. The idea that every emotion and feeling that's he's ever shown me is a lie. That he is incapable of feeling how I feel for him. It makes me feel physically sick to think that his displays of emotion are calculated and not real. That he has manipulated me. I feel like a fool and I'm confused and hurt and I really just don't know what to do.

With people that have experienced borderline personality disorders, do you believe he fits this criteria?

Stupid, irrational love.

[BDPpartner]

You need to stop and breath, right now everything your feeling is a knee jerk reaction, you need to think logically and not let your emotions run away with your imagination.

Questions to ask yourself....

Have you ever caught him lying about something huge ?
Have you ever told him a white lie ?
You've been together a year, why are you so quick to believe that he doesn't have genuine feeling for you ?
How long and how much do you actually know about the person who this information comes from ?
Can you accept your partner for who he is ?

I'm not going to make a judgment about whether this guy sounds like he has BPD but I tell you that despite my partners diagnosis life is not any easier, he still can't show me the empathy and I still catch him lying etc

[Erebos]

Have experienced both in my family and all I can tell you for sure is that convincing someone to get a diagnosis is only a tiny bit of the battle.
There is no guarantee they will get help, and the disorders themselves, mean your unlikely to ever know anything for sure.
About anything.

My brother s like this, I watch him wrap his girlfriend's round his little finger, with all kinds of stories.
First thing he says is
"Dont believe my family/friends if they say bad stuff about me".....(followed by a sob story)

It's ALWAYS the other guys fault, ALWAYS.
'His ex's are all crazy, so don't listen to them.'
(No,Most are just mad cos he ripped them off, or slept with their sisters)

He does have wonderful traits. He is amazing with his nieces and nephews. Generous to a fault, usually with someone else's money.)

He isn't a bad guy, just a God awful boyfriend.

I wish you all the luck in the world, remember to always address your own stability and mental health first.
That's my biggest piece of advice. Then think about if you can love him as he is. Imagine nothing changes, imagine it stays the same. If you still love him and accept him then it will be down to you to make things work, by not getting drawn into and hurt if he lies to people or makes up stories, etc.
All the best.