[washington1]

I dated a woman until recently with a history of mental illness who also appears to suffer from pathological lying. I'm trying to understand this better to get some much needed closure.

She had a rough childhood that included an AWOL father and giving a baby up for adoption at age 20. Her age now is 31.

Until things turned sour, we had a great time together. Not once did we argue or have a fight. We never turned down an opportunity to spend time with another. During this time, I noticed things that were "odd" but gave her the benefit of the doubt anyway. For example, she claimed to suffer from asthma really badly. She spoke of "forgetting to bring her inhaler" but in all the time we were together, I never saw an inhaler or any tell-tale signs of asthma -- and I was in her house and car and we went hiking together all the time.

When she spoke of friends, the duration of each friendship was extremely important for some odd reason. She would rank people on the length of that friendship, but I caught her changing stories multiple times. One day x person was a lifelong friend, but a month later, she posts on social media about x person being a friend for 16 years -- definitely not the same thing. I never said anything about it. Other than that, she seemed healthy except for occasional battles with depression lasting 1-2 days.

She told me the holidays were extremely rough because of giving her daughter up for adoption and not being able to see her. That's understandable. She had no problem with Thanksgiving though, and I talked to her on Christmas and she sounded fine.

I can pinpoint the day when her behavior became extremely erratic -- it was December 27. She led me to believe the depression was so severe during the holidays that she boxed up at home in isolation. I genuinely felt bad for her. Any time I encouraged her to leave the house, or meet for dinner after work, she refused, offering 11 different reasons why not over the following two weeks. Nevertheless, I had flowers sent to her and brought her food hoping to lift her spirits. Our past conversations led me to believe she had suicidal and self-harm thoughts. She barely communicated during this time which was extremely tough on me. So tough, I lost 7 pounds in two weeks worrying she was suicidal.

The joke was on me because she had another guy I did not know about. The photos of them doing things together -- on the days she claimed to be home and depressed -- appeared on my Facebook feed. Nice, eh? Initially she downplayed it, saying it's just a childhood friend.

Her strange behavior continued when she agreed to take me to a musical on January 13 that we had agree on over a month earlier (it was part of my Christmas present). She actually showed up and purchased my ticket, but not before blocking me on Facebook two hours earlier! See what I mean about erratic behavior? That night I questioned her about various things and would guess she lied to me about 15 times over really stupid things. Example: I asked if she could take my picture with her phone. She refused, saying it was almost dead. The moment she said that, I was looking right at her screen and the battery showed 64% charge. Why lie for no purpose when it's so obvious to disprove?

Our mutual friends convinced me to tell the other guy what was up because it became obvious that she was lying to him too. I wasn't comfortable but did it anyway. He told me some things that confirmed much of her dishonesty, which I went back and confronted her about. She denied everything and was extremely nasty in doing so. I mean extremely nasty. No other woman has ever talked to me that way, and this is hardly my first rodeo. She obviously didn't like being outed for lying.

Needless to say, this relationship is over. I was really sad for a couple weeks because there was ZERO remorse on her end. She actually blamed me for screwing up her chances with the other dude. It was so bizarre that instead of being angry, I felt an overwhelming sense of sympathy because her mental health problems are evidently worse than I imagined. Far worse.

But that's not all. Our mutual friends have kept an eye on her and the other dude's Facebook profiles. (Remember, she blocked me) The other dude doesn't seem to care she lies and they're still seeing each other. In light of what she did to both of us, everybody agrees that is really odd.

Long story short, my friend had a bad feeling about the other dude's obsession with archery and it turned out correct. The guy loves archery because he's a 3x convicted felon, not to mention a violent felon, and felons aren't allowed to own guns. That's why they get into archery. His page is full of hashtags and comments about his desire to kill (animals) but it's still creepy.

My ex is very pro-police and law-and-order, and is terrified of felons and crime in general. She pays a premium to rent a room in an upscale neighborhood because she's worried about crime and criminals in other areas. She's also petite at 4'11" and wouldn't be able to defend herself if attacked. The dude's most recent felony conviction was beating up the mother of his kid so badly, it got charged as a felony rather than a misdemeanor. One of two things is going on here -- either she has NO IDEA or her thinking is impaired beyond all comprehension right now.

I have no romantic feelings for her anymore. What I do have is a brotherly type concern for her well-being and it sort of haunts me on a daily basis. The last thing I want is for her to get beat up.

Based on what I've told you, to what extent is pathological lying driving the boat here? Is it possible that pathological lying and self-deception are working hand in hand?

[Erebos]

I think, imho, you could spend the next however long tying yourself in knots about this woman.
When in fact you need to look at why it matters to you, so much.
You talk of her safety, when the truth is you know absolutely nothing about her.
Yet you seem unconcerned about your own safety were this guy to find out you were snooping on him.

To you she was a bit fragile, small, law abiding, nervous mouse.
You saw her true colours when you confronted her lying, I suspect she is a lot tougher than you think.
Did it occur to you she perhaps likes the idea of being with a dangerous man.she wouldn't be the first or the last, perhaps he makes her feel safe, for that very reason.

It sounds like her personality is so fractured, and her lies so ingrained she probably doesn't even realise she is doing it.
I have a cousin like this. She would lie about what day it was, not out of any particular reason other than a distorted defence mechanism.
It starts with lying to impress others or protect yourself. Then it becomes a barrier to keep people away.Stop them from hurting the real you. But then at some point that gets lost in all the lies too.

I am sorry you experienced this, but you learned some valuable relationship experience.
There is nothing you can do to help her, and will probably only incur more of her wrath should you interfere.
Remember the person you knew was only who she chose to be around you.
Around this other guy she could be completely different, and if he doesn't care and she doesn't care I really think you need to let this one go.
Work on healing yourself, and accept you will probably never get what it is your looking for from her because she will have already convinced herself of a very different story than what really happened.
All the best, I hope you find some way to let this go.