[itskathryn]

I am a 22 year old graduate student who lives at home with my younger brother, my 47 year old mother, and grandmother. I found out my mother has an online dating profile while going through the computers search history looking for a website I found a few days earlier which isn't a problem, but it isn't a "normal" dating website. It's a Spanking Dating profile. I was concerned over the type of site, so I read her messages (I do know that wasn't the right thing to do). In the messages, the pathological liar side of her was out in full force. Her name was the same, but she said that she was recently divorced, except in real life, she became divorced 21 years ago. She said she had three kids, the oldest named James. In reality, she has two kids and no one named James. She pretends that she is full Irish who visits Ireland frequently. That was one persona. Another was that she had 14 brothers and sisters, when she only has three. Again she had three children and the family was very sports oriented, which isn't true either. I am very concerned. She hasn't met anyone yet, but she won't tell me if she does, and that concerns me. She also told me about one of these guys as if he worked with her, but he lives several states away. I am concerned over her well being. What happens when these men want to meet her family? I have read too many crime stories in my life, but there are certain factors I have to think about. My mother has an explosive personality type and she always starts fights with me over the smallest things. The fights always escalate, but if she ever got too heated, my grandmother steps up to the plate. She's never escalated to violence. I don't know the right way to bring this up to her. What should I do? Is there an underlying mental illness?

[Skeezyks]

Hello itskathryn: I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this most difficult situation. Unfortunately, I don't know as there is much of anything I can suggest here. Yes, from what you wrote it sounds as though your mother does have some mental health issues. But whether she does or does not really doesn't matter unless she recognizes she does & chooses to seek treatment. And from what you wrote, it sounds as though she would not likely react positively to any suggestion that she should consider the possibility. Doing so is likely to only instigate another fight.

Your mother is a adult many times over & she has the right to do what she wants to do even if it's the wrong thing. From my perspective, all you can realistically do is to do what you can to protect yourself, your brother & your grandmother. But realize in this too that you can only do so much for your brother & your grandmother. Ultimately you only have control over yourself.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Travelinglady]

Hello, itskathyrn, and welcome to Psych Central! Wow, I can see how you'd be concerned about your mother. I get the idea it's fairly common for people to lie about themselves in such places. I wonder what your mom is expecting from this persona.

Oh,yes, she might be getting herself in trouble, but as the Skeez says, she is a grown woman and it doesn't sound like she would appreciate an intervention from you. I suspect that she has something going on that might be considered "mental problems." (Mind you, I am not trained to evaluate that, though.) Just keep yourself safe, now knowing what you do.

Again, welcome!

[Erebos]

Hey there welcome to PC.

Unfortunately your mother is a grown woman, and as such is pretty much h entitled to do as she sees fit in these situations.
Honestly, given the type of site she is on I think it's a good thing she isn't giving details of her real self away. It keeps some measure of distance between her and those who view her profile.
It's not that unusual to create an alter ego. I suspect she isn't looking for anything serious or long lasting from these encounters. It could all just be a way to boost her self esteem etc.
Not a great way perhaps, but if she isn't actually meeting these men, and providing false info, then she has done what she can to protect herself and her identity.
It isn't a mental illness to want attention and admiration from the opposite sex. As uncomfortable as it might make you I am sure your mother still has her fantasies.and I suspect she would be mortified to find you had snooped through her profile just as you would had it been the other way around.

The best way to ensure her safety is to make her comfortable enough to inform you if she has a date or is going out. Although of you relationship is a bit fractious this may just not be possible.
Today just have to accept she has made it to 48 ok, she will probably be fine.
I know it's difficult but she obviously raised you well enough to be independent and resourceful enough to make it to college. Focus on that and maybe improving your relationship so she does feel she can tell you these things without suffering judgement.
I hope your able to find a way not to worry too much. Take care and all the best.