[Anne19]

I've been with someone i think may be a narcissist for a year...known him several years before as on off friends, lovers etc. We got engaged fall last year, broke up and he moved out of my place march as I had rage side effects from anxiety medication i was on, he moved out..he originally asked me to take the meds so I'd stop worrying about him when he works late...because I'd call a lot...after we broke up, we see each other again over march and say we are going to repair our relationship....I see msgs in his tablet to other girls....all on days he claimed he couldn't talk to me on the phone cause I argue too much. But he found time to flirt.

By May, he's needs money for an emergency, I can't give it to him. So he sleeps with his ex to convince her to give him money (he was with her as fwb for years for money and he and his brother said he was never attracted to her).. He tells me after. I forgive him because we are technically broken up still....but I blow up at him in person about the tablet messages to girls and scratch his arms. He ignores me after. I apologize many times.
Before he moved out originally in march, I did sales. I started dancing in late may to get more money after losing a job
We make up in June and have sex.
The same day we make up and agree to work on us, he sleeps with another girl because again he has another emergency and wants to sweet talk her to give him money that I don't have.
He tells me we aren't technically engaged at the moment (this was june) and because I worked as a dancer it's the same as him sleeping with girls. I said it's not because I don't have any sex...oral or regular. He insisted dancing is the same as what he does....sleeping with exes who loan him money.

Eventually he admits he's wrong and we move in again end of june. I gave up my place for him. We say we're engaged again...we put up new Facebook pics. He says he deleted instagram instead of adding me.
He loses his job mid summer 2016, I help him out numerous occasions with money from my dancing. He starts to disappear for three days at a time doing his new driving job he gets, ignoring my calls not calling, and barely texting and returning each time explaining he has to stay with friends because I argue too much. A cycle begins where I blow up into extreme fits of rage over my frustration...over what he put me through. Each time he disappears and comes home, I blow up because he's gone. He says my blowing up is a reason he has to leave for 2-3 days each time to go to his guy friends.

Eventually I stop blowing up, he still leaves every week for several days, never calling, ignorning texts, insisting hes not cheating, and saying he doesn't like to be controlled or told when to come home, I say if he wants to marry, he needs to answer to someone, especially because he keeps saying he wants me to get pregnant and have his baby...the main reason he sees me as his wife and gave me a ring back in fall 2015. To move in with him, I gave up my apt, so i have nowhere to go. Three months go by until Oct 2016 where he leaves every week for several days...always saying he can't be controlled...but still wanting me physically...still wanting me to wear my ring...still saying he dreams of me having his child. I finally leave Nov and go out of state to live with my mother. He texts me randomly throughout the month accusing me of being with guys because I don't text right away. I tell him he has no business saying that cause I moved because he abandoned me, refused to answer the phone when I lived with him, and came and left as he wanted. During the time he did this back in august, I found dinner receipts charged under an exes name. I screamed at him over all the lies. He insisted I'm crazy and it was just to pay her back. I felt like I lost my mind that day,..scratched him...hit him.

This past month Dec, I ask if i can stay at his place on the couch to look for jobs, since I quit dancing and want to do sales jobs again. He says he's ready to get our marriage certificate and agrees with my previous suggestion from a month ago, that we hold onto it for a few months to motivate us to go to therapy and get help until right before it expires and then get married if we can fix our relationship. We go get the marriage application. He loses half the day he could have worked getting it. Next day his car glass gets shattered. He uses his car for work. He calls me asking for money because rent is due the next day. I say no at first because I lent him money many times over the summer and he disappeared for days after, and I'm down to a low amount of money because I'm not dancing anymore...esp since he said he didn't like it and that's why he disappeared all summer. He gets upset and says he'll have to visit friends all night I break down at the end of the convo offering money but he talks over me and hangs up. He doesn't come home that night...he doesn't come home three days....so i go back to my mothers out of state....he admits he saw another friend he slept with and convinced to give him money.
I am furious. He doesn't seem to care at all when just a few days before we got a marriage application ready to sign when we make it official a few months later and he said he wanted me to have his child.

I told him I understand he has no family to turn to like me in emergency money situations and the last day to pay rent was the day after his car glass was broken and he uses his car for work, but it's not acceptable to just sleep with exes and get money from them when he has a fiance...that we could have found another way to get the money for rent together.
I told him I dont want to see him again unless it's in therapy.
He said sorry once in text, has not called once, and only texts me. He said that he feels bad I'm affected so much by his actions. Other than that, not much accountability.

Ugh. I don't know...is therapy worth it? I'm broke and have no income, a going on interviews for day jobs, don't want to dance anymore, i can put aside a day to go to therapy each week with him, but I have to go out of state to go with him because I plan to move back there in my own place when I get more money.
I asked him why he hasn't called since I last saw him and he always acts too busy. I told him if he can't even call, how can he say he loves me. He never liked calling and says he won't call cause I argue too much....we have to plan phone calls ahead. ..this is how it's always been...ugh

Is therapy even going to help...if he even goes with me?

[Turtleboy]

he's most likely telling all the girls he's gonna marry them, i personally would run a mile from this guy, once you cut the money off he'll vanish, usually people like this get way worse when their partner is pregnant, constantly blaming you and blatantly gas-lighting you.
i would run and never look back, that's my 2 cents

[kitka1978]

Originally Posted by Anne19

I've been with someone i think may be a narcissist for a year...known him several years before as on off friends, lovers etc. We got engaged fall last year, broke up and he moved out of my place march as I had rage side effects from anxiety medication i was on, he moved out..he originally asked me to take the meds so I'd stop worrying about him when he works late...because I'd call a lot...after we broke up, we see each other again over march and say we are going to repair our relationship....I see msgs in his tablet to other girls....all on days he claimed he couldn't talk to me on the phone cause I argue too much. But he found time to flirt.

By May, he's needs money for an emergency, I can't give it to him. So he sleeps with his ex to convince her to give him money (he was with her as fwb for years for money and he and his brother said he was never attracted to her).. He tells me after. I forgive him because we are technically broken up still....but I blow up at him in person about the tablet messages to girls and scratch his arms. He ignores me after. I apologize many times.
Before he moved out originally in march, I did sales. I started dancing in late may to get more money after losing a job
We make up in June and have sex.
The same day we make up and agree to work on us, he sleeps with another girl because again he has another emergency and wants to sweet talk her to give him money that I don't have.
He tells me we aren't technically engaged at the moment (this was june) and because I worked as a dancer it's the same as him sleeping with girls. I said it's not because I don't have any sex...oral or regular. He insisted dancing is the same as what he does....sleeping with exes who loan him money.

Eventually he admits he's wrong and we move in again end of june. I gave up my place for him. We say we're engaged again...we put up new Facebook pics. He says he deleted instagram instead of adding me.
He loses his job mid summer 2016, I help him out numerous occasions with money from my dancing. He starts to disappear for three days at a time doing his new driving job he gets, ignoring my calls not calling, and barely texting and returning each time explaining he has to stay with friends because I argue too much. A cycle begins where I blow up into extreme fits of rage over my frustration...over what he put me through. Each time he disappears and comes home, I blow up because he's gone. He says my blowing up is a reason he has to leave for 2-3 days each time to go to his guy friends.

Eventually I stop blowing up, he still leaves every week for several days, never calling, ignorning texts, insisting hes not cheating, and saying he doesn't like to be controlled or told when to come home, I say if he wants to marry, he needs to answer to someone, especially because he keeps saying he wants me to get pregnant and have his baby...the main reason he sees me as his wife and gave me a ring back in fall 2015. To move in with him, I gave up my apt, so i have nowhere to go. Three months go by until Oct 2016 where he leaves every week for several days...always saying he can't be controlled...but still wanting me physically...still wanting me to wear my ring...still saying he dreams of me having his child. I finally leave Nov and go out of state to live with my mother. He texts me randomly throughout the month accusing me of being with guys because I don't text right away. I tell him he has no business saying that cause I moved because he abandoned me, refused to answer the phone when I lived with him, and came and left as he wanted. During the time he did this back in august, I found dinner receipts charged under an exes name. I screamed at him over all the lies. He insisted I'm crazy and it was just to pay her back. I felt like I lost my mind that day,..scratched him...hit him.

This past month Dec, I ask if i can stay at his place on the couch to look for jobs, since I quit dancing and want to do sales jobs again. He says he's ready to get our marriage certificate and agrees with my previous suggestion from a month ago, that we hold onto it for a few months to motivate us to go to therapy and get help until right before it expires and then get married if we can fix our relationship. We go get the marriage application. He loses half the day he could have worked getting it. Next day his car glass gets shattered. He uses his car for work. He calls me asking for money because rent is due the next day. I say no at first because I lent him money many times over the summer and he disappeared for days after, and I'm down to a low amount of money because I'm not dancing anymore...esp since he said he didn't like it and that's why he disappeared all summer. He gets upset and says he'll have to visit friends all night I break down at the end of the convo offering money but he talks over me and hangs up. He doesn't come home that night...he doesn't come home three days....so i go back to my mothers out of state....he admits he saw another friend he slept with and convinced to give him money.
I am furious. He doesn't seem to care at all when just a few days before we got a marriage application ready to sign when we make it official a few months later and he said he wanted me to have his child.

I told him I understand he has no family to turn to like me in emergency money situations and the last day to pay rent was the day after his car glass was broken and he uses his car for work, but it's not acceptable to just sleep with exes and get money from them when he has a fiance...that we could have found another way to get the money for rent together.
I told him I dont want to see him again unless it's in therapy.
He said sorry once in text, has not called once, and only texts me. He said that he feels bad I'm affected so much by his actions. Other than that, not much accountability.

Ugh. I don't know...is therapy worth it? I'm broke and have no income, a going on interviews for day jobs, don't want to dance anymore, i can put aside a day to go to therapy each week with him, but I have to go out of state to go with him because I plan to move back there in my own place when I get more money.
I asked him why he hasn't called since I last saw him and he always acts too busy. I told him if he can't even call, how can he say he loves me. He never liked calling and says he won't call cause I argue too much....we have to plan phone calls ahead. ..this is how it's always been...ugh

Is therapy even going to help...if he even goes with me?

Please run as fast as u can and don't look back

[Erebos]

Narc or not this ... Relationship is toxic. There are no boundaries I am not sure why your even putting yourself with him. If he can use those other women he can use you. I am sure he says the same things to them otherwise why would they let him back in.
Have u a contingency plan in case one of these girls winds up pregnant?

Do you worry about sti's?
It's like this, you can't get with someone in the hopes they change. So,can you live and love him the way he is, without punishing him for his behaviour?
If you can and be happy then who is to tell you don't
I think if your best friend came to you with a similar story, I think I know what u would say.

One other thing, arm chair diagnosis are unhelpful, because they detract from the facts in front of you.

What if he isn't a narc? It makes no difference, it changes nothing.
You cannot offer an ultimatum when he has so many other options. Other women who put up with his b.s..You either take him as he is or realise you are worth a thousand times more than that and move on.
Before you tragically bring a child into this mess.

All the best whatever you choose to do,do try to stay safe though.

[Pinetree487]

RUN as quickly as you can. Life is too short, and when you get older, you will be glad you did. Believe someone with experience - I wasted all of my 20s on someone who i thought i couldnt live without. But, i left after 13 years, believing i wouldnt find anyone better ( i was soooo blind), and i am so glad i did because i have a wonderful husband now, weve been together for 15 years, snd now, i wish i wouldve left my ex much sooner.

Heres a quote by George Bernard Shaw:
I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

[Pinetree487]

About car glass, is it bull what hes saying? - i know that no everyone has this benefit in their car insurance, but we have always been able to get ours replaced for free by our insurance, just for minute knicks caused by a lot of interstate driving.

[Anne19]

I know this is what I should do....leave. It's hard.

I am sad to let go because he took the extra step and got engaged. His family member who doesn't even like him said he was shocked he proposed. He said he is a player and never saw him try to commit to anyone but me. So he doesnt propose to other women but has a history of being a player. I already knew this. I felt special like i was the one who got him to propose and commit until he moved out March 2015, but then it hasn't exactly been truly an engagement with all of the on off since I got a ring November 2015. Things were good with him trying to be a good partner oct through March 2015. I was on medication that gave me rage side effects that caused him to move and that's when all of the sleeping with people for money, eating dinner with an ex stuff started by him and I retaliated hitting and yelling. I know i should never hit. I apologized many times and haven't since September.

I think I hold on in hopes we can still marry, but it doesn't seem to be working. And I dont see myself married to someone who pressures me into unprotected sex after they cheat and haven't gained my trust, but say it's not cheating because it was for money. It just seems like he's not that sorry.
We are now trying to work it out. I moved back and live in my own place. He insists on unprotected sex because I'm on the pill and we did it in the past. I don't like this. I told him he cheated for money and until I trust him i dont want it that way or at all. He said because he told me about the cheating and it was for money it's not really cheating and I should trust him...he didn't hide it. He has a phone pin on his phone and wouldnt give it to me. When i broke up with him in dec, he saw a girl immediately after so I'm afraid he's still seeing people and that's why he won't give me the pin. He says I'll get the pin when we are sure we're getting married and I yelled and didn't ask nicely so i can't have it now. I yelled because I'm afraid, I black out now after all I've been through and have yelled hours. I know it's not good at all. I apologize a lot for it.
He says If i don't trust him not to bother with him. He said he can call and see me...that's how hell prove I can trust him....not giving me the phone pin....

I feel like I should give up, i definitely dont want sex and he says if i don't do it, then I can't tell him not to see girls. But then how would we build trust????

[Anne19]

Thank you all for taking the time to comment. It helps.