Possible mood disorder leading to divorce

I don’t know if this is the right place to post this but I am desperate for advice and feedback.
I have been with my wife for 9 years and we have been married for 4 years and have a son who is almost 4.
Based on my impression and all our friends and family impressions we had a perfect marriage until my wife’s shoulder started to hurt last year in July.

She ended up getting a steroid shout in November and fell into a deep depression shortly after. In January, she told me that she wasn’t happy anymore and hated the holiday. She hated the last two months and hated coming home from work even though she hated her job. I talked to her for a few days and she calmed down and decided to work on things. I asked her nicely if she wanted that we go see a doctor and she felt offended and told me that she is not crazy. I never mentioned that she was crazy or anything like that. Even counseling wasn’t an option in her opinion. How she felt in January is listed below.
I didn’t love her
She is my sex slave (she wanted to have sex several times a day)
I only get close to her to have sex
I don’t buy her flowers like I used to
She hates the house and coming home
I am on my phone or laptop too much, I was in school working on my MBA
She cannot look me in the eyes anymore because of the things she told me

Over the next 8 months I busted my *** to show her how much I care about her and how much she means to me but it all didn’t help.
Between January and August, she ended up having another steroid shot and two shoulder surgeries. On some days, a could tell that she wasn’t doing well and asked her how she is feeling and what is going on.
She always told me that she is either in pain or stressed out from work. She hated her job and had anxiety from just thinking to go to work the next day. She would also come from home from work with anxiety and tell me how her heath is pounding out of her chest.

We tried to live a normal life over the next few months and out of the blue one night while in bed she started to cry and apologize to me. I am so sorry for what I did and said in January, I was so depressed that I wanted to take my car and run into a brick wall. If it wasn’t for our son I would have done something to myself. I was very shocked and concerned while she was feeling like this because on the outside she appeared happy most of the time.

She appeared to be doing better over the next few months and we did a lot of things together. We took our son to different family activates almost every weekend, went on date nights, I bought her a lot of flowers and so on. In July after our vacation she found out that he needed a second shoulder surgery and was very worried that it could be cancer. Before the surgery we decide to install solar panel on the roof, remodel the basement bathroom. Her surgery was on August 1, 2017 and a day after the surgery we went to a car dealership to reserve a brand-new car for her. On August 5, one of her GF came over and I made lunch. She came into the kitchen and kissed me and said, I love you so much when you make food for me. I was making food every weekend for us and helping her around the house because she couldn’t do as much as she used to because of her shoulder pain.

On August 6, she wouldn’t even let me kiss her and told me to stay away from her for two days. I was shocked because she never acted that way before. She would not let me get closer to her at all. On August 19, our son fractured his arm and we had to take him to ER. The following Monday she didn’t go to work and finally started to talk to me after I got home from work.

Look at us, we can’t love like this anymore (I don’t see anything wrong with us)
I make her feel like she is a bad mom and she isn’t good enough for me
I never listen to her, she told me so many time to change (did not)
She is burned out and lost the spark
I just use her for sex and she feels like she is my maid
I was around her and should have figured out how she feels
She locked up and didn’t communicate with me at all, I approached her wrong
I just yell at our son (not true at all)
The Jamaica vacation in early was just a wonderful moment
She didn’t talk to anyone about her feeling or decision to leave me
Two days later she told me that she found an apartment and is moving out. Two days after she moved out she filed for divorce.

A day before she moved out I could convince her to go see a therapist with me and the therapist told me after the appointment that she needs a lot of space. She went back to the therapist two more times and stopped going. After her second visit the therapist told me that she could have a mood disorder and that I should schedule an appointment with a Psychiatrist. My wife stopped going to the therapist because she told me that she has nothing to tell the therapist. She moved out 6 weeks ago and still doesn’t want to talk to anyone and just wants to be left alone and stay in her apartment all the time. She also told me that she is only happy when our so is with her.

I am sorry for making this so long but I really need some feedback on what people think is going on. What can I do to help her? Am I overthinking things and blaming everything on a potential mood disorder or depression?

Please let me know what you think.

There is only so much you can do--it does sound like she is depressed, etc. Keep encouraging her to consider going to a psychiatrist. Suggest that she try a different therapist. Even if she goes through a divorce, for the sake of your son, your should pursue at least having equal time with your son. She is her mother and has a right to see her son and if you threaten to take him away during the divorce (I do not know if you are doing this or not--it could send her over the edge. Her son is the only thing that makes life worth living. Children need their mother. But it is also a balancing act, perhaps your should make seeing a psychiatrist or therapist on a regular basis a part of the custody agreement. I don't know if the law allows this where you are but please speak up to your lawyer/the judge about your concerns. You could offer to pay the bill for her treatment--that would be a nice gesture and suggestion regardless of whether or not your can legally mandate it. Emphasize you want her to do this because you care. Obviously, it will help your son also if she gets some help from someone who can talk to her who is informed and impartial. If she can choose who she goes to and try different psychs or Ts until she finds someone she is comfortable with--she is being unreasonable not to consider this. I hope your wife is OK and am sorry you are dealing with this.

BTW I have been diagnosed with a mood disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and major depression disorder. Though I am not currently depressed--I feel like the diagnosis were accurate when given. I have never been a danger to my children. I suspect there were times my mom could have been given the same diagnosis. I feel like I am successfully (for the most part) dealing with the way I am. I feel like my dna is partially to blame so understanding and having a relationship with our parents helps us with problems like this and when the relationship is positive--it can really help us be more happy in this life. I am open about my mental issues with my children (now in their 20s--your son doesn't need to know until he starts asking questions). If you are right about her then if she realizes she needs help then she can get a lot better.....

Hello. Welcome to PC. I agree with Hopingtrying. It sounds like she might be depressed. I like the idea of her getting evaluated by a psychiatrist and regular therapy as part of the custody agreement. I’m sorry this is happening. You must be totally bewildered. Hopefully you’ll get some resolution. Sending big hugs.

I do understand that there is only so much I can do ant that is the hardest part I feels helpless and what hurts the is seeing my son go through this.

Friday night I was reading a book to my son before bedtime and he left the room and was sitting in the hallway almost crying. I talked to him for a few minutes and he finally said " I am sad, I don't have a mom and dad. That almost made me cry but I had to be strong in from of him.

The next day I tried to talk to my wife when she came to get him and she was in tota denial. He is too youg to have those feeling and emotins and the book is brainwashing him.

I want to have joint custody but my wife filed for divorce without talking to me and wanst full physical custody whit I will not agree to. She told me that she felt threatened that I will take our son from her. I told her several times before she moved out that our son needs a mom and a dad but she thinks he is better of being with her. I don't agree with her at all.

She doesn't want to go to a therapist and or a doctor to get professional help. I asked her in January to go see a doctor and she refused and told me that she is not crazy. She was worried what people will think that she has that in her medical record.

A few days before she moved out I asked her what she will do after she moves out and still feels the same way and was told that she will go get help in a few months if she doesn't start feeling better. To me, that is a sign that she is admitting that something could be wrong but it is easier for her to leave me instead of getting treatment.

I also found out that her dad committed suicide when she was 7 or 8 and but her mom and she told me that he was killed. Her dad was medically treated but it didn't help. there is already a history in her family of mood disorders.

I just wish that there was a way that I could convince her to get checked out.

My wife told me that she has nothing to tell the therapist after the two sessions she had with her. She didn't like the questions the therapist was asking.
I talked to my wife and told her that she is very emotional (she would cry after reading a headline that a child's mom died), has made some very irrational decisions, she might need to get some help to be a good mom for our son. She agreed to go but told me this is not for us to get back together, this is for our son. that was fine with me.

It sounds like a very difficult situation, my heart goes out to you. It does sound like she has a mood disorder. The red flag for me is her getting the steroid shots in her shoulder. I'm bipolar type 2 and the only time I went into full blown angry mania was after getting steroid shots in my neck. I became convinced that my husband was the enemy. He was out to get me, he didn't understand me, etc. I was acting so bizarre that my husband considered taking me to the hospital. Looking back I wish he had. That was the most miserable week of my life.

I hope you will be able to convince you wife to see a psychiatrist. Many doctors just don't understand or believe how dangerous steroid shots are for those with a mood disorder. I can't go without steroid shots in my neck because of the pain. But I know what to expect now and have medication to help me though it.

Thank you all for welcoming me to the forum.

Shazerac,

The therapist thinks that the steroid shots triggered something in my wife's brain and not she has a mood disorder or is bipolar because of it.

Another important detail from her life is that she lived through 3 civil wars as a child and her dad committed suicide when she was around 7. She told me her dad was killed in war. Her family told me that her dad was struggling with depression for a few years and took his life. They blamed it on the war back then but something must have triggered his depression.

It is not an easy situation to deal with and that is why I came to this forum for some feedback.

How long could it take for her to admit that something is wrong? Most likely years?

It can take a while to find a good therapist and you have to want to make a change for therapy to work. It is good that she said she would go. I hope she continues to go.

I would emphasize that you would never take your son away but insist in every way (legally and when you talk to her) that you love your son as much as she does and are going to stay involved in his life.

This sounds like an extremely tough situation for everyone. As far as what your wife said about your son--keep in mind that sometimes parents have differen POVs about their children. It is good you picked up on your son's sadness/ that he talked to you but that doesn't mean she is a bad mom. Perhaps your son didn't tell your wife what he told you. If she is with him more than you--perhaps he was missing you and expressing it. It sounds like you care about him and are a good father! Hugs.

Indeed, it is a very tough situation for all of us but all I can do now is try to make the best out of it. I never threatened to take our son from her and would never do such a thing. Our son needs a mom and a dad and is very hurt from the separation.

The last few days have been very hard for him. He is very sad and sometimes very angry. He keeps telling me I don't have a mom and dad afraid:. I even called her so we can both talk to him and reassure him that he has both of us and that we love him very much.

She stopped going to therapy about a month ago and I don't think that she will go back.

Yes, you never implied here that you have been doing this but sometimes when I am not doing well (my mental issues) I assume the worst things about my husbands motives. Given what you have described about her telling you that "She also told me that she is only happy when our so is with her." and being a mother myself, I just thought it would help her if you could be reassuring about this. The stress of the situation (divorce) is surely causing any mental issues she may have get worse (my opinion based on personal experience). Maybe she will go to a therapist later. I am sorry that there is only so much you can do about her unless she is truly unstable. It is good you are focussed on the needs of your son. All this is not his fault but with your love he will get through it. Are there any grandparents around who also can support him with this? Hugs.

Hopingtrying,

You have pointed out some interesting facts to me. I was under the impression that my wife is assuming the worst things about me and now I think it could be because of a mental disorder.
She told me she filed for divorce because she was worried I would take our son away from her. I told her at least 5 times during the weeks she moved out that our son needs a mom and dad.

I could tell that my wife had a few very hard weeks in the 7 weeks stretch since she moved out. I think she went into a second major depressive episode after her second shoulder surgery which made her leave me and move out.

Yesterday I heard from one of her GF's that she told her that the main reason she moved out is because I wouldn't give my phone to my son and if I did I would take my laptop and go to the basement. I was enrolled in a MBA program which I put on hold after she moved out. I was studying but she was worried that I was chatting/texting someone else. Now I understand why she told the therapist that she thinks I cheated on her.

For the sake of our son I hope that she will realize that she is making a big mistake before it is too late.

Our son has two grandmas and one grandpa. I took him to my parents house on Sunday so he can sleep over and he wouldn't stay. My mom watches him during the week and I didn't want to wake him up at 6:30 am on Monday to take him to my parents. In the past he loved the sleepovers, now I think he is worried that he will not see his dad and wanted to go back home with me. .

You are saying because of your disorder you are fearing the worst and thinking the worst about your husband? That is the impression I got from my wife over the last 2 months. Everything is so negative, she is trying to find negative things even in my positive actions. I was thinking she was just tying to justify her actions.

I am still trying to understand what is wrong with me.

I suspect it has something to do with my mom being very strict sometimes. No one got away with anything unless you defied her in secret. She really was a good person. Had a lot of anxiety and so do I. Perhaps the anxiety is something I got from her DNA or example. I left home at 18. Am undisciplined and impulsive. When I met my husband at 23, I could be a disorganized mess and he was a knight in shining armor who ran around and saved me sometimes. When I feel like he is being controlling, I start going crazy about it sometimes--like I am reacting like a child because he reminds me being a child with my mom? So if he had demanded that I go to therapy in a strict way before I realized I needed it--it could have backfired. I didn't go until after an attempt. Everyone was telling me I should go--not just him.

I feel like when he acknowledges my POV and when we really talk out our problems it helps. But sometimes I get very emotional when we talk about things. I need lots of assurances and ordering me around makes me get angry. Whenever he raises his voice I overreact. In order to work through things there have been lots of fights. Communicate a lot about your feelings to each other. It helps when I tell him the awful things I am thinking so I hear how ridiculous some of them sound. It helps when he does not get angry when I say them. Sometimes he needs to talk to me like I am a child!!

PS When he wants me to go to therapy and take more medication, there are times I have wondered if he wants to prove that I am to crazy to run my own life. And I think he has actually wondered this. He told me a psychiatrist on staff at one of the hospitals (I went to a regular then psychiatric hospital) told him I was come competent enough to make my own decisions. The fact that he was told this may show there is a small basis to my fear. That is how it goes for me. I take a sliver of truth then blow it up into the worst possible crisis.

Very interesting. The therapist told me that my wife is behaving like a child and she stopped communicating with me about her feeling and emotions after her first depressive episode.
My wife was also very emotional when we talked about things before she moved out. Now, I don't know how she feels or if she is still very emotional. We only talk about or son and haven't had any discussions about us.

Hopingtrying, thank you for sharing your experience.

Your welcome--BTW I was not TOTALLY disorganized--my condo was clean and the refrigerator stocked with fresh food. His minimalist with bare shelves. I was a 2nd Lt in the USAF and he was a Capt. I think it was more like he gave me structure so I would be more disciplined about being organized. He triggers me either because I am bipolar, or am reacting to emotions from my childhood that he triggers or he triggers me from 30 years of interacting with him and becoming oversensitive to it. It is hard to figure out how to fix my situation. Even today I am having problems. I do not know how easy it will be for your wife to solve this.....

I do understand where you are coming from. My wife has to realize that she needs help, I cannot force her to get help. She has to figure outwhat rigers it and find a way to control it.
My wife had always been a perfectionist and kept the house clean and even organized our closet by colors,
If something wasn't in order she would get very irritated.
She was even getting irritated by the neighbors because their yard was a mess.

The therapist told us that it is very important to have family time with our son and my wife is now telling me that she can't make it. We had family time last weekend for the first time in 4 weeks and our son loved it.
She is also telling me that he misses his mon and I need to admit that.
I called her on Monday night because our son was very upset and sad. I figured, he might calm down after talking to her but now she is telling me that he behaves fine with her and misses only her.
Whatever I do she always finds something negative in it.

To add to the mystery, my wife called me tonight after she supposedly realized that I transferred her money for our son and started crying. I have been transferring her money for the last two months and she didn't notice the extra money in her bank account until tonight.
She has been living on a very tight budget and I cannot blive that she didn't see the money transfers in her account.

I need advise. My wife called me on Wednesday and started crying again and told me the following thongs.

This is going nowhere.
I cannot take this anymore.
I have no money for anything.
I spent my entire paycheck on the attorney.
We are all suffering.

She asked if we can agree on something.

The week before she filed a motion to get temporary full custody and the motion is full of lies and made up stuff. I can easily prove that she is not telling the truth.

I told her that we can meet over the weekend and discuss things. She might change her mind again but it is worth a try.

The therapist told me that she is 100% confident that my wife is suffering from a mood disorder and a personality disorder.

My attorney is also telling me that based on the facts I can get at least 50/50 custody maybe even 70/30.

I really don't know how to approach her about getting help. Should I use that as leverage to make her get help if she wants to come to an agreement?

Any recommendations?

Try talking to her. My husband and I have had many arguments this year. I admitted to him during some of these arguements some of the things I was thinking about him. It was not easy for him to hear it but once I was fully open with him, we were able to talk things out. I have noticed I slip into irrationality sometimes when I am under stress plus not taking enough medication to calm myself down (my anxiety goes crazy then I do unwise, impulsive things). I am telling you this to say--if you both really can talk for a long time, multiple times about this---you might get through to her. She might see that she needs to get treatment. That would be the best thing for everyone.

If your talks do not lead to an agreement--pursue whichever option (50/50 or 70/30) which you think is best for your son. If you pursue 70/30, let her know that you want it to be 50/50 but will only agree to that if she gets treatment for her disorder. The main thing that seems to endanger my marriage lately is when I let my mood disorder get the best of me. Sometimes I am surprised that my husband wants to keep me considering some of the things I do. He says he knows those things are not the real me--they are my mental illness. I do not know if you and your wife can come to this kind of understanding (wouldn't that be nice!) but if you still love her--Try!!

PS. Of course, you should not keep her from him, if you pursue 70/30 you should think of it as insurance just in case she gets really bad, does not see that she needs help.

Realize that she may (I don't know for sure) have problems with mood swings the rest of her life--in my case, mine is chronic so it is something my husband may always have to deal with. When he is not patient about it, we fight more. When I get under stress I fall in the same old patterns. I am getting better at recognizing them rather than getting carried away but I have to monitor myself and stop myself when I recognize it. I am very high functioning but a pain in the **s.

I can understand your husband. I feel the same way about my wife. Her behavior is caused by her mood disorder or personality disorder but she doesn't understand that.
That would be very nice if we could come to that kind of understanding.

I don't know this for sure but I think that she is realizing that leaving me hasn't improved her mood at all. She is still as miserable as she was before she moved out. As far as I could tell she was only very happy for two days after she bought a brand new car.

I will see if she still wants to meet over the weekend and talk. I just hope that I can get her to listen to me and not shift to denial right away. She had been denying everything for the last 10 weeks and now even started to make things up in her head.

I still have some love left for her but not even close to what it used to be. I want her to get help because of our son. He needs a happy family and if she gets the help we could be a happy family once again. It is all up to her.

I was told that my wife is also most likely affected by Cognitive Distortion.That it could be the main reason why she is seeing everything negative and actually believes that it is all true.

Does anyone have any idea if her negative feelings and negative interpretation of things will go away without any treatment? I cannot find much information about the duration of Cognitive Distortion online.

I have to have a therapist tell me I do not want a divorce when things are bad for me.

Thank you for your feedback. My soon to be ex-wife isn't realizing that something is wrong and is refusing any help.
Hopefully, she will realize sooner than later that something is wrong.

Wow, I have read through your situation and I do sympathize with you. It definitely does sound like her mental illness is causing problems.
I can relate. My boyfriend started suffering from extreme depression in February after we agreed to live seperately as he was unemployed and I couldn't take the financial strain any longer. Once I moved out, he became a recluse almost - stopped leaving the house, would avoid and ignore me and family for days on end. He became almost a different person. We have been together 10 years, so it was shocking to see him so different.

Now, he has gotten a job but is back battling depression because he is off due to low work for 2 months. He was starting to come around and was getting better. But is now back to square one - avoiding myself and family, sleeping alot, not eating.

Mental Illness is very serious. I have had to slowly come to terms with the fact that this isn't the real him - its a byproduct of how his thoughts and mental state are right now.

On the flip side, as a partner and as support, it is devastating to go through watching your partner change so drastically due to mental illness. I have suffered my own depression from this as well.

I hope things go well for you and your family. It does sound like she needs treatment to really get back to her normal self. But the tragic thing is that, as with any illness, until they decide to seek treatment, you just have to wait it out or move on.