[AUSolomon]

Hi folks, I am new to the forum and would like some help. I suspect I know the answer, buy I might be surprised - hence this thread.

So, I am 55 years old. I was a Psychologist for 20 years. In my personal life have been surrounded by people on the ASD for ever - I think my mother was ASD, my late wife had ASD, my new partner has ASD, my step son definitely has ASD, and my daughter has ASD. I've definitely been too slow to recognise adult ASD!

I find that I am CONSTANTLY being required to fill in their cognitive defects. If I don't then things go wrong and we end up in situations that could have been avoided. It's like I am a tradesman and every time something goes wrong in the house they look to me to fix it. And if I don't we have leaks everywhere. So, I feel like I HAVE to plug the leak again and again and again.

However, I am becoming increasingly irritable about their need for help. I got out of Psychology because I wanted it to be MY time. In fact, it is less my time than ever!

So, I want to know if I am becoming selfish or burnt out or depressed or what?

Can someone find the words for me please.

AU

[Skeezyks]

Hello AU: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

(Here is where I would typically offer links to some articles from PsychCentral's archives that might be of some interest. However, since you're a psychologist, I'll forego that.)

I don't know if there is really a lot I can offer with regard to your situation. (By the way, I'll just mention for reference I'm 69 & retired.) You mentioned you got out of psychology. But you don't mention what you are doing at this point. Particularly at your still youthful age, if you're not doing something pretty-much full time, & you're hanging around the house much of the time, this may well be a large part of your problem. Although I wrote (above) that I am "retired", the fact is that I stopped working shortly after I turned 50 due to a combination of medical & mental health problems. (It's a long story.) So I have extensive experience with regard to what it's like to be your age (as well as older) & to be hanging around home with not a whole lot to do.

Back before I stopped working, when I was still a real person, I worked for many years with people who had mental and / or physical disabilities. And so the other thing that comes to mind here is that perhaps you are simply doing too much for the people in your life whom you perceive as having ASD. It's important, when working with people who have disabilities, to allow them to do as much for themselves as they can. There's always a tendency, amongst those of us who work in the helping professions, to want to take care of people. But it is absolutely possible to overdo this.

I recall being in the hospital several years ago now. There was an absolutely wonderful nursing assistant who was one of my caregivers. She wanted to do everything she possibly could for me! But, in the process, she did things I was perfectly capable of doing for myself. Eventually, I just had to suggest to her that perhaps she could do a bit less.

I know you wrote that if you don't take care of everything, pretty-soon you have leaks everywhere. But perhaps a few leaks here-&-there aren't necessarily the worst thing in the world? Your partner, your step son & your daughter will only learn to compensate for their limitations if they are allowed to stumble occasionally. Perhaps in your desire to "plug all the leaks" you've become a bit obsessive about the whole situation. You're seeing leaks everywhere, & losing the ability to differentiate between those it's really important to stop versus those that could be allowed to drip a bit... maybe to the benefit of the family member who caused the leak to begin with. At least these are my thoughts with regard to your post.

I don't know, of course, if you're here simply seeking advice with regard to this particular concern or if you plan to hang in here with us. However, should you be planning to continue on (we hope you do)... may I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[Victoria'smom]

Be the partner/father and not their treatment team. Make sure they have a good treatment team and step back, let them care for themselves. It's not your job and your running yourself ragged trying.

[AUSolomon]

Thank you for the replies.
However, I was more looking for understanding and compassion. I certainly wanting expecting advice from people telling what I am doing wrong.
Anyone who live with ASD children/partners knows that it is constantly and uphill battle, but living with 3 of them is beyond difficult - EVERY interaction is HARD. And if I don't fill the gap it gets harder. And I am very clear about the parent/psych distinction.
Perhaps, this is not the forum I thought it was.
Solomon