My malignant narc ex boyfriend

I am about to be married in a little over a week.

Me and my fiance ran into my ex last night, whom I've determined is a narcissist.

Well, my fiance talked to him for a while, just the two of them.

My ex confessed to my fiance that he had lied to me about something that was very important to me while we were together. My fiance doesn't hide things from me, and let me know. I've been fuming all day about it after hearing this. I feel like I just learned that my ex had cheated on me.

Also last night my ex wanted to talk to me about our past relationship, which has been over for over two years. telling me that he would have gone to counseling with me and that he had been having nostalgia over us recently. He even said he wants to share a recording with me of a session he had with a spiritial medium who mentioned me and told him I am very special and that he should remain close to me.

He says all this and he knows we're getting married in a week!

Well, a gf just pointed out to me that instead of focusing on US and our upcoming marriage and happiness, he turned everything around to be all about HIM, even if it was something negative about himself (confessing that he lied).

I just feel all of his toxicity all over again seeping into my soul. I don't want to feel this way. I was done with him. He was very toxic for me in our relationship.

Important to note: the only reason why I even talk to my ex now is because I run into him very frequently in my social circle. We didn't talk for a whole year after breaking up, then his mother died and he reached out to me for support. We became friendlier again after that, but I was always wary of him given how he had treated me within the relationship.

That being said, I want to let this incident go and focus on my own happiness right now, but it's eating me up at the moment. I just feel so icky!!!!! And poisoned by his toxic ways. I will not be talking to him again and I will now distance myself again from him.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom to share about narcs and how they operate? I want to feel better so I can just let it go. I do tend to ruminate when bad things happen (as well). I have a hard time letting go.

Hello, I am a malignant Narcissist myself (also the more rarely seen female Narcissist) and quite self-aware. Perhaps I can assist you as far as how narcissists "operate". Your ex certainly does sound like a Narcissist, him pulling all of this low quality gaslighting and middle school logic right before you're getting married to someone who is obviously far better for you and actually loves you does sound like typical narcissistic behavior.

What makes you say he's a malignant Narcissist? (You don’t have to answer that, I’m simply curious.)

What a piece of ****, honestly. I'm glad your fiance is so open with you and just told you the truth. It's clear to me that you've been lied to more than enough.

I'm laughing, not at you, but at your ex and his ridiculous antics. This is just so absurd to me. "A spiritual medium", yeah, don't fall for that one. Just, lol... He's trying way too hard and failing miserably. This is his last (desperate) attempt to "win you back" so to speak.

He wants to exploit you yet again, I'm sure you know about the term "Narcissistic supply"? That's what this is about on a basic fundamental level.

Your friend is factually correct.

His "confession" is a (pathetic) ploy to gaslight you into convincing you that he's "changed" for the better somehow. I promise you that he most certainly has not. As your friend astutely pointed out, he is making it all about him as per usual. It is not about you because of the obvious as you and I both know: he is a Narcissist! Of course it's inevitably always going to be about him. You're his target for Narcissistic supply. Screw that.

I know it must be difficult when he's in the same social circles as you are. That’s always rough. Being wary is a good thing. He obviously treated you terribly. It’s always difficult to get a Narcissist out of your life completely, they really have a way of manipulating, lying, and gaslighting their way back into your life in some way or another. It’s hard to make a clean break from them.


This makes me think of the song called Poison by Alice Cooper (though a lady named Tarja did a fascinating cover of the song, which I liked because well a female vocalist is more suitable if you’ve been victimized by a man now isn’t it?)

It sounds like he’s trying to rain on your parade so to speak, plain and simple. As a malignant Narcissist myself? Narcissists, *especially* malignant Narcissists, feed off of their victims’ torment.

However, having said all of this? It’s okay to give yourself some time to just feel icky about the whole thing. It’s obvious he caused you a lot of pain. Just don’t let him see you suffer, because that’s what he wants, malignant Narcissists feed off of fear as well as admiration as a means of gaining narcissistic supply.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time to heal.

I know, why would I bother trying to be helpful? Well, why not? I have nothing to gain by screwing someone over on the internet, and I also have zero need to destroy everyone I encounter. I have enough self-awareness to understand that it’s simply not very smart to destroy everyone I meet. Self-awareness is my curse that I have to live with so I may as well use it to be of some benefit to others, and I’ve accepted that that’s likely the only “good” I’m capable of doing.

Thank you SO much!!! I am very impressed that you are so self aware as a malignant narcissist yourself and I must say it is most admirable to see you helping me in this way... I am very proud of you and I don’t even know you!!!!

And your insights help tremendously!

He is malignant because I experienced gaslighting, blame shifting, control and verbal and emotional abuse tactics, emotional manipulation and lies throughout our relationship. It was most toxic for me. Argh.

I’m just curious to know though: WHY would he reveal to my fiancé that he had lied to me about not watching porn while we were together? He probably knew my fiancé would tell me this, so what was his purpose? To upsets me? To enrage me? All it did was make HIM look bad in my eyes. And lowered my opinion of him even further! Lol. So I don’t get his motives for doing that?

And yes my fiancé is awesome. I’m so glad he told me and was open with me about that.

And the medium? I know he went to see one. So that wasn’t made up. But he’s mentioned giving me the session recording like three times now. It does seem like a manipulative ploy to reel me in.

The good news? I didn’t show him that he enraged me. He doesn’t know at all how upset he made me. He knows I was mildly upset about it. So it’s good he doesn’t think he has control over my emotions. At least not that much.

I think you should block any way he could possibly communicate with you and avoid where he might be if possible. I realize you may not be able to completely avoid him but the first time you do see him I personally would pull him aside and tell him that its not really necessary or appropriate to continue any sort of friendship with him and you'd like to go your separate ways. Just so he knows that you are entirely off limits. Considering how much it has bothered you I think this would be a good way of protecting yourself.

Thank you, Sarah! I think what I am going to do is just completely avoid him altogether. I don't wish to tell him anything. I don't even want to contact him. If I say anything, it will just make things awkward and uncomfortable when I see him. I know this already because it happened after we broke up. I just won't talk to him.

You’re very welcome. I’ve been living with this condition since well, forever, I know myself and what I’m capable of. I also quite frankly have a distaste for other narcissists most of the time...


That’s a lot to deal with, it’s no wonder it was so toxic to you. I’m glad you got away from him and that “relationship”. It’s clear to me that he never truly loved you.


Frankly he doesn’t strike me as very bright, lol. As for why? He wanted to hurt you as a means to get you back under his control. It’s really as simple as that. Though, he clearly had no idea what he was doing... what an idiot. As I said, you deserve better.



It is all about trying to manipulate you, what a moron. I’d use stronger expletives but there’s a cuss word filter on here, what a shame, heh!

I’m glad you didn’t let it show that he enraged you as much as he did. That’s good for you and bad for him, he needs to get lost.

Thanks golden eve for this question and also for all the replies. This thread is very helpful to me. Respect to all in this thread.

I’ve been doing some research on different disorders for a while now as I’ve been hurt several times by people (in real life) who pretended to be “nice” for their own not so “nice” agenda. Including a “therapist” and parental units

Thank you, Atypical_Disaster and thank you, Fuzzy! I just wanted to acknowledge your posts and will respond at greater length later when I can. HUGS to both of you!

Hi Golden Eve

As far as I saw those questions were not answered to, yet.

Atypical_Disaster has had very good comments, for me, it's hard to believe that s/he is really narcisisstic as there is so much insight and understanding. Really Atypical! But no disaster. When you have insight in your mental condition, you can control it to some degree in learn and improve!

I've been living 17 years with a notorious liar, still sad fights in respect to our children ongoing. But I think I can answer those questions to you.

My wife, when there was no way around, or if she felt that "looking bad" might stirr up empathy, would admit lies, either by claiming she had Alzheimer and forgot what she did/said ("lie, but not intentional..."), or claiming she is the worst person on earth hurting everyone.
This, of course, is close to the truth, but sounds so exaggerated that the natural reaction is to say "no, you are a good person, every one does something wrong sometimes,,,"

So, admitting a lie, for a narcist and notorious liar is just to set up a field of more lies and make you feel sorry for him and start believing him again.

The central aspect of a notorious liar is that others believe him/her. Only by receiving trust s/he can trust him/herself, and if not otherwise possible, admiting a lie creates trust.

Now you believed him and that gave him energy and a path further to access your energy - through your partner!

Believe me, after 17 years I do not mange to NOT think a day about all the lies and abuse, the damages on my children, BUT all that is energy-loss!

NOTHING can be changed in the past, so the only thing that matters is your future.

Narcists can "attach" to empathic, caring people, who DISLIKE egoistic moves and "doing things just for oneself". But that is exactly what you must do:

completely FORGET about your ex and what he thinks, says or does, stop thinking what he did or said to you and might do and say in future.

Tell your future husband, to STOP ALL communication with the narcist as well, because through him, he can access your thoughts and life-time, and his as well. Male narcists suck energy from male and femal people alike just as female narcists do. If your ex can attach to your husband, he can get the engery of you both by making you think and talk about him!

You lost enough time and energy and you cannot help the narcist and liar, you can focus on your partner and your future comon life and projects and completely ignore your ex. Praise God he is EX!

You wrote: "That lowered my opinion of him even further". So your opinion was/is still too good. Lower it to ZERO, so nothing what he could possibly do could lower your opinion anymore, then you will not expect anything anymore and then you will have the good feeling to postpone any mental involvement with this matter for 10 years; in 10 years you will have so much distance that you will be able to safely recapitulate and understand what you do not well understand about your ex, now.

I wish you a happy life with your new partner, just as I wish myself a happy life with my "new" partner (OK, I'am with her since nearly 4 years, that's not really new, but for me it still feels like this)

David

I still have work to do to lower my opinion of certain malignant Narcissists who treated me like rubbish without cause to Zero. They just don’t stop spouting their judgments. So sickeningly cloyingly puke making....all that bear sick. I need my bucket. They have zero self awareness. I could say a lot more about what sick morons they are but I don’t want to be disrespectful to the Narcissists who have intelligence and self awareness...

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

(Not about anyone here)

Hi Atypical_Desaster

Please let me explain one thing to you: " Though, he clearly had no idea what he was doing... what an idiot"

Most of my time with my wife I was unsure why, on one hand, she gives the impression of intelligence and does things that are looking "normal" or even "intelligent" and then she does something that is so extremely stupid, it's simply unbelievable.

The problem is that the narcist has a "limited free will", s/he acts and talks according to "patterns". There is minimal to no learning where those patterns are striclty followed. His reaction is forseable like the one of an animal, as long as it is connected with the mental damage.

Within my life with my wife, many many many times I alsed myself: "why does she do that? It would be so much more easy and convenient to that in another way, that is idiotic the way she does it! No way to talk about this, to improve anything, no self-critizism, nothing.

There is an underlying lack of reality perception that is "filled up" by the subconsciousness with "stories", we call lies. For the notorious liar, it's not lies, it's a "possible reality" and if others believe it, it IS reality.
So they act absolutely "correct" within "their reality", but of course, that is NOT reality but imagination/fantasy to a more or less big part and the resultig "clash with THE reality" leads to "stupid/idiotic" actions and behaviour.

I claim to myself that I have understood ALL idiotic actions and phrases my wife did and said, because they perfectly fit in the pattern I found. And the "lack of a part of free will" means that she cannot NOT follow the patterns, however stupid it may look to others.

So, in some way, notorious liars are idiots, in the medical sense, and should be treated as insane and unfit to live a self-determined life, on the other hand they make a normal impression and are able to do daily things in a way superficial checking of it seems normal or even above average.

I would really apreciate to talk with you aside of this thread, either in "my" thread: Mythomania
or via PM, because I would like to find out whether there is a way to bring insight to my wife for the sake of our children.

Best wishes
David

Hi Fuzzy
The cause is narcisizm. THey maybe even do not know they treated you bad or if they know, they feel that "you deserved it", because you did not fit into "their reality".

I feel with you, but the only way is to NOT ASK WHY! Focus on your future, let the past sleep a bit and recover. I'm not telling you to forget about your past, but focus on YOUR FUTURE.

The more you feel bad and mad - believe me I do as well, many times, I tell you from my experience - the worse it gets. Narcists create narcists out of happy children and they try to do so with everyone they meet, just by them being that way.
The more you feel like a victim, the more that condition affects you are well.

The only way is to let the past sleep for some time until you will have the inner freedom and power to deal with this without feeling bad or mad.
Until then, focus on your future!
Best wishes
David

Thank you again, Atypical_Disaster, David and Fuzzy!

I can now put this behind me. You all have really helped to clarify it for me. I needed this type of explanation. Now it makes perfect sense to me.

And just to be clear: this was simply a reminded to me about how toxic he truly is. I had nearly put it all behind me in the face of maintaining a friendly-ish facade, but it was the perfect reminder to me of how he operates.

It sounds to me like he is ‘sour grapes’. He wants to mess with your minds, dangle himself to tempt you, just to ruin your happy new love.

I shudder to think what any of my exes might have said to my fiancé. I wouldn’t even think any of them had NPD, just testosterone and sour grapes. Might they have told him what I am like in bed?

I don’t think it matters if someone is narcissist or just a jerk. There is zero need to be in contact with nasty ex. Same social circles don’t warrant hanging out or even having a basic conversation. Nasty boyfriend doesn’t typically transform into a nice friend. I don’t think it’s even testosterone or jealousy. This guy is trashy and dumb. I’d not waste time analyzing him. Focus on what’s important, he isn’t

Hi Divine1966

Well I think every real narcist is a jerk or how do you define a jerk? To me, it does not matter what is the exact scientific name for the specific mental condition that makes that person a behave like a jerk, but I doubt that a mentally really sane person can be a jerk.

A "jerk" is "not so bad" as a "narcist" is? I think there are narcists that, given the right circumstances, can be very harmless and friendly. I think that are just words from different "world", one is used for a person in personal experience and the other in clinical diagnosis, but it both describes a egocentric person with compulsive, negative actions towards other beings. Do you think a jerk decides to be a jerk?

Best wishes
David

I've also had the sad experience of a relationship with someone who checks off a lot of boxes for malignant narcissism. I had to learn a lot about boundaries in order to understand myself better so as to not repeat that mistake again. There were lots of warning signs to get out of the relationship. I would have been spared much suffering if I had paid attention to them.

The main thing I look out for are boundary violations.

My ex was also a pathological liar, although not all narcissists are by any means. The closest I've read to describing his lying is 'pseudologia fantastica' or 'mythomania'. But, again, it is a separate condition from narcissism.

I didn't get the impression that golden eve's ex is a mythomaniac. I get the main impression he was crossing multiple boundaries at the same time in his conversation with her fiancee at the time. He did this by sharing unwanted 'information'. I put 'information' in quotes because it isn't even clear to me that his story that he lied was actually the truth. Why should it be?

The second thing that jumps out at me is the betrayal.

It takes a special kind of mind to cross so many boundaries at once.