need advice on spouse with bipolar angry

Let me start by saying I am in a same sex marriage. I have known my spouse for most 3 years, and we have been married for almost 2. We have a 19 month old daughter. I just need some advice.

Things have been going really well for almost 2 weeks. That seems like the cycle before it goes sour. I said something yesterday that upset her and started her anger over. I didn't even realize what I said would upset her. And I told her it was taking out of context and I didn't mean it that way. But regardless I am in a living hell again. Once she gets angry I feel that I don't even exist. I'm ignored and thrown to the side.

I feel like I am constantly apologizing or trying to make things right. I don't feel that she thinks any of it is her. I have never threated to leave her. I married her because I wanted to spend the rest of my life together. I am in it for the long haul. She has told me several times that she wants to end the marriage. All of this has taken a toll on me. I feel insure, beat down, worthless. I just feel like I'm in her way most days.

The last fight we had before this was over a dirty faucet. I had gotten food on it while I was cooking. She said I did it on purpose. She said hurtful things. She even told me that I didn't deserve to be on our daughters birth certificate. I don't resent our daughter I really don't. We just have totally different parenting styles. And only her way is correct I don't have much say so in the matter. So it makes me disconnected at times.

The simplest thing will make her scream. I can not say what I feel in fear of being placed on the silent treatment again. I just walk around on egg shells waiting for the next cycle of goodness. I don't know how much more I have in me.

I am no psychologist, but this sounds to me like an abusive relationship. Why are you putting up with this crap? Because she brings you such joy? Because you have a child together?

Having been abused and cheated on for 12 years, I would be packing my damn bags if I were you. Noone deserves to have to live like you are currently living. There are plenty of people out there who will not treat you like dirt. Please advocate for yourself.

Well your in a abusive marriage, I’m sorry

You say she has Bipolar ? Is she on medications ? Actually taking them ? Does she see a Therapist?

Just because she has Bipolar doesn’t mean she can be abusive, its never acceptable. How is she with your daughter ? Patient and kind?

Of course your going to question if your to blame. That’s what all victims think and will always doubt your self worth.

Will she agree to go to couples counseling? If she just refuses there’s not much you can do to save the marriage.

I think you should find a Therapist for yourself, you need support to deal with all this.

As for different parenting styles? That is a huge problem for many parents. The counseling can also help people make compromises in raising a child. A child needs a loving home and some structure to thrive.

I hope things improve for you

Hi justneedtotalk! Irritability, frustration, and related anger associated with bipolar disorder is not uncommon, but many do not direct it at those they love. That's not to say that people can easily tolerate it even if it isn't, but when it is, it does qualify as a form of abuse. Either way, it is a person's (your spouse's) responsibility to work on treating and preventing such behavior. Just saying they have bipolar disorder (or some other disorder) is not enough. It seems to me that it is high time that she start doing the apologizing, not you, or at least acknowledging that her disorder (or behavior otherwise) is out of control. That means, in my book, that she start trying to rectify the behavior or at least minimize it. Medication change? Medication again (if she's quit)? Therapy? All of the above?

You married your spouse for her, not her disorder, and you have rights to expect her to try to work at being healthy and take responsibility, when appropriate.

If when stable, your spouse's expectations can not be met, you have the right to decide what your limits are. You have the right to set reasonable expectations for her, too. If she doesn't meet them or try in good faith, perhaps she's failed not as a result of a disorder, but as a spouse.

Before I bring up anything else, I'm wondering how you know she has BP? Who diagnosed her?

Hey @justneedtotalk76 read the link, its one of the most comprehensive lists I have found.
64 Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse: How to Identify It, What to Do

Quote:

Originally Posted by justneedtotalk76 Let me start by saying I am in a same sex marriage. I have known my spouse for most 3 years, and we have been married for almost 2. We have a 19 month old daughter. I just need some advice. Things have been going really well for almost 2 weeks. That seems like the cycle before it goes sour. I said something yesterday that upset her and started her anger over. I didn't even realize what I said would upset her. And I told her it was taking out of context and I didn't mean it that way. But regardless I am in a living hell again. Once she gets angry I feel that I don't even exist. I'm ignored and thrown to the side. I feel like I am constantly apologizing or trying to make things right. I don't feel that she thinks any of it is her. I have never threated to leave her. I married her because I wanted to spend the rest of my life together. I am in it for the long haul. She has told me several times that she wants to end the marriage. All of this has taken a toll on me. I feel insure, beat down, worthless. I just feel like I'm in her way most days. The last fight we had before this was over a dirty faucet. I had gotten food on it while I was cooking. She said I did it on purpose. She said hurtful things. She even told me that I didn't deserve to be on our daughters birth certificate. I don't resent our daughter I really don't. We just have totally different parenting styles. And only her way is correct I don't have much say so in the matter. So it makes me disconnected at times. The simplest thing will make her scream. I can not say what I feel in fear of being placed on the silent treatment again. I just walk around on egg shells waiting for the next cycle of goodness. I don't know how much more I have in me.

I’m so sorry you are going through this! My husband isn’t the easiest but he is crazy about me and overall very loving. However, a few years ago, and some people around here will remember, my husband and my relationship was so poor that we (well, he) decided to divorce. Pretty much, during that time, he lived in the basement and I lived upstairs. At that time, he was a vile, nasty snake to me. He bullied me and was a constant hate machine. He made me feel so badly about myself. He constantly called me lazy, called me fat, told me I was worthless. You name it, he said it. And sometimes some of that was even around our children. As things slowly got better, it was very hard to forgive and heal. But, they got better and better and better and now our relationship has been restored. He now almost never says those mean things to me. He defends me always in front of the kids. He tells me kind loving things and builds me up. His heart was softened. And really, you know what started a change? I stopped caring. My attitude changed from “I feel like a failure if my marriage ends” to “if my marriage ends, it ends. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t”. It’s the place I genuinely came to. I started ignoring my husband’s comments instead of getting upset over them and most Importantly, I started taking really good care of myself. He saw these things and then wanted it to work. We had a long talk. We set some serious boundaries and we moved forward. We didn’t get therapy and we probably needed to but, we work. My husband does still have a nasty hateful temper towards me (rarely) and my kids (a little more often) and that is inexcusable but he does at least ALWAYS say sorry and admit when he’s wrong. My therapist has told me he needs a therapist to work through his temper as it is deeply imbedded from his childhood but he won’t go. He says he doesn’t need it. In our case, I’m the one with the bipolar, he isn’t. But, I don’t have a temper at all (unless I’m out of my mind manic and that’s a whole other issue but my temper is so rare that my kids, my oldest who’s 12, couldn’t recall).

I know this is a long post and I know that not everyone is able to work things out but I guess I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to take these behaviors on. It’s hers to bear, not yours and regardless of what she does to you, you can choose to be above it...ignore it even. And, don’t let anyone bully you. If that is your relationship and she refuses to change, then that is a relationship worth letting go of. I hope things get easier for you very soon. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to reach out to me! All my love!

Thank you for your input. I do think a lot of the problem is that she will not take medication. She says it makes her worse. I have never seen her on medication before so I wouldn't even know if it helped or not. We were going to therapy until our therapist moved out of state. She tried another therapist and we tried a new couples therapist, but it didn't work out. So her and us have not had any therapy in a few months. It was also hard for me to get anything out of the therapy because we had to take the baby with us. So it felt like the entire time we were focused on the baby and not on us.

Actually since the baby has came I feel like there is no us. I know things change with a baby, but I feel like it is more than that. She stays home with her and we never have a sitter. She wants it like that, but then she seems to be angry at me because she always has the baby. I can't do enough. I do not parent the same way and I become disconnected because I feel like what I do isn't ever right in her eyes. It really is upsetting feeling this way. And it makes it hard for me to bond more when I'm always shot down. Some days are just really hard.

You are so right. I don't want to apologize anymore. I don't want to always take the blame. I except her faults, but you are correct she needs to work on herself as well. Why am I the only one with such giant expectations? It's really making me distant lately.

I don't really feel like we have a marriage anymore. It is her and the baby and I am just in the way most days. It's not jealousy at all. I think marriage should come first. If the child can see a strong loving bond between their parents then they would want the same out of their future relationships. I don't want her to become self entitled and co-dependent if this makes sense, lol.

She was diagnosed years before I met her. And has been in and out of therapy.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. It really hits home. I'm sorry you had to go through what you did. But I am so glad things are working out for you now.

I'm just in a tough spot and don't know what to do. I can't really bring things up with her unless I want to make it more miserable. I actually read that the silent treatment is a form of torture. And let me tell you it is, lol. I wish our therapist wouldn't of moved away, she actually would listen to her. Just haven't had any luck with the other 2 therapists we tried.

Oh and I love your profile picture. I actually had one of those woodpeckers and my feeding this morning

I think I would put couples counseling on the table and her in therapy and on meds if needed. , either she agrees or you need to start to figure out how to separate. Sometimes push comes to shove..

I’d insist on a baby sitter or whatever child care during that hour you need for counseling often a counselor knows of good child care for clients.

You just deserve better and trust me your baby is picking up on the negative feelings in the home.

I would like to try couples therapy and have a sitter. I just don' t even know if that is possible at this point. I seriously feel like I am just in the way and she would be fine if it was just her and the baby. Thank you for your input.