Why is my elderly mother becoming difficult?

Warning, this update could be lengthy!

Lockdown has been a very interesting experience. I've continued to shop for her and worked out a very good system for socially distancing. My brother suddenly stopped his visits and providing meals. My aunt continues to visit although she's now subject of my mother's wrath.

One day, my aunt used the wrong words when advising my mother that she would do a job for her. They had a row, culminating in my aunt saying she would only do what she was asked to do, not offer. For nearly two months, my mother has criticised my aunt to me, expecting me to agree with her.

About four weeks ago, mother had a fall. Neighbour heard her cries so came to her rescue. It was same day as mother and aunt had another exchange of views. She didn't need hospital treatment and didn't want me to tell brother or aunt. Two weeks later, brother asked to meet me at mother's house to discuss how to help her. First, his attitude when arriving was rude and arrogant, maybe because I got there first. Then he threatened to walk out within ten minutes because I produced a notebook to write down anything I needed to do. After that discussion, he apologised for telling me the F-off last time we met. I thanked him and said it had taken a long time. He said no, he had intended to do it when he saw me.

We then discussed situation between his wife and me (post: my sister in law lashed out at me). When I tried to say anything, he talked over me. Did raise my voice. Was not surprised by his bullying tactics, he's a dinosaur when it comes to human dynamics. Then my mother showed her true colours by actively criticising me in front of him. The whole time he had a smug grin on his face.

Today was shopping day. Mother tried to engage me again in criticising aunt, by saying she had been cast aside in favour of her friends. I know my aunt is very upset by my mother's attitude, we've talked about it. As I did, she's written everything down to try and understand. Her daughter and a friend have advised that she continues to visit. I've asked my mother what would happen if my aunt and I stopped helping her; she said she'd have to get a cleaner. Also, my brother can't do anymore because he's so busy and well thought of at work.

I'm learning to zone out the constant comments that her state of mind and health are due to what's happening in the family. She seems incapable of accepting that her son has done anything wrong and can't tell him his behaviour is unacceptable. As a result, my aunt and I are now bearing the brunt of this behaviour.

Well, yesterday was interesting!

After enduring over an hour on Saturday where my mother barely drew breath when criticising my aunt and the possibility of it ending in a disagreement with her. Yesterday she started on the subject again. Now we're in local covid restrictions again, my aunt cannot visit.

I repeated the same as said on Saturday; it was up to her to discuss with my aunt as I couldn't provide any answers. Also, I wasn't there when my aunt said what she said or at subsequent discussions between them on the subject. First, I was not interested then it escalated into the usual accusations.

When I said I was going home, mother then started on the emotional stuff. How I suddenly hated her and how could I leave her when she was so upset. If this had just started to happen, then it could be perceived I'm being hard, but this has been going on for a while now. When I said I was phoning my aunt, she pleaded/begged me not to do it, becoming almost hysterical. Was asked if I was still going to help her, my reply was don't know at the moment, I'm not accepting this behaviour so going home to think about it.

My final question before leaving was "now you've alienated both the people who've helped you a lot, who is now going to do it?" Her immediate answer (no time taken to think about the answer) was my brother and sister-in-law. I just stopped myself from saying good luck with that one!

How much of this is someone supposed to absorb before saying enough is enough. It's difficult because of covid, when you've provided the bubble to make sure she still gets food and checks on her welfare. I know I've talked about this so much now but just can't believe this behaviour