A narcissist I dealt with

I had to cut off a friendship with this person who believes themselves to be an empath, when in fact, they're a narcissist cloaked in an empath's clothing. This person ranted on and on about themselves mainly, and if they were not talking about themselves, they loved to hear themselves talk endlessly otherwise, going on lengthy, exhausting diatribes. I did not catch on to the narcissism in this individual for a very long time, probably because my father was/is one, and I didn't even notice the signs!

I also noticed how this person couldn't take any feedback about themselves whatsoever, and if you said "ouch" about anything they've said to hurt you or upset you? They turned it around on you to make you the problem, and not them.

I also see narcissistic rage in this individual through indirect, passive aggressive maneuvers aimed at me and said to upset and rattle me.

In the end, I feel sorry for this person because I believe they are a miserable human being, miserable in their life and miserable as a person.

But it astounds me that it took me this long to catch on to the personality disorder of this particular person, because they were soooo very good at cloaking it with their act of empathy.

I had a friend who would act so caring about my problems, prodding me to confide in her. Then turn my weakness around on me to cut me down. I didn’t recognize the behavior until I started learning about narcissism.

Oh that's terrible! I've had that happen to me before too, but by abusers. It's an awful feeling.

She was a life long on again off again friend. I forgave her faults. I think she would be given some diagnosis. But I loved her. What hurt the most was how when I wouldn’t tolerate the worst, boundary-less treatment, she ghosted. We never spoke again, wouldn’t just apologize and try to treat me with some respect. She said she couldn’t “walk on eggshells”, and she used that term on purpose to be cruel.

Oh that's harsh. Yes, my friend was bitter and lashed out at me too. They can be very cruel.

Some ‘friends’ lash out and become more like enemies when they feel the slightest bit criticized (for something really offensive they did do). I feel like I, and others I’ve known, have been able to take responsibility for something wrong we do. I think that’s the difference between people you want to be around and people you don’t.

Very well stated. And yes, agreed.

This "friend" lashed out at me passive aggressively, and quite obviously it was directed at me.

When I confronted them previously with their behavior and how it had upset me, they didn't own up it, they didn't apologize for it, and instead told me everything I had personally done wrong in their eyes.

It was a litany of "wrongs" they listed out to me that I had somehow committed, and honestly, I felt beaten up by it, as though I am some sort of bad person, or a failure of a person. I believe they were TRYING to tear me down and make me feel badly about myself.

They made sure to detail every little thing they had noted along the way and over the months so they could throw it all back in my face as soon as I confronted them for upsetting me. And these so-called "wrongs" I had committed had nothing to do with them personally. They were all about me and how I operate that was "wrong" in their eyes.

I've seen how this person cannot take any responsibility, and I had noticed this over and over again EACH time I confronted them with my upset over their behavior. Not once did I ever receive an apology for my upset and hurt.

When someone feels toxic, they are. And I started to feel this way months ago when I saw they couldn't apologize, yet I continued the friendship for some reason.

Yes, it is the difference between wanting to be around someone and not wanting to.

I finally clued in, and I finally decided to cut ties.

She was keeping a mental note of all your ‘offenses’ to throw in your face when provoked. The lesson learned is to stay away from people who do this. True friends and loving people don’t do this.

A good question to ask yourself is why you gravitated to that friendship and continued to maintain it.

After reading every psych article on here, I steer clear of anything like that and anything that has to do with control. Just walk away. I’m not sorry I have since done that. I suffered great wrath for doing it, too. But not sorry in the long run.

You're soooooo right! True friends and loving people do NOT do that... not in the least. It's not something I personally would ever do either to someone.

And you ask a very good question. I don't know why I allowed this so-called friendship to go on as long as it did. I guess I felt I needed it for a while, and for a while, it was benefitting me, until I noticed the behaviors and patterns along with the persistent narcissism.

I am also an empath and the narcissist and an empath frequently find themselves in a relationship. I should read more about this dynamic.... I am now curious.

It probably also has to do with the fact that my father is a narcissist, and I am used to this role.

And yes, I am not sorry either for taking care of myself.

Full disclosure: I'm diagnosed with NPD.

There's also no one on earth that can anger me quite like, you guessed it, another ****ing narcissist. Maybe all of that therapy and so on did something for me after all (or I was just more aware of myself in some key ways to begin with, hell it's probably both.)

I was friends with another narcissist who sounds very much like this individual. The exact same "I'm an empath" nonsense. She really should stop embarrassing herself as she can't fake empathy even if her life depended on it. Anytime she's not being admired she's very obviously forcing herself to act like she cares about people or heaven forbid likes them at all. She's one of the most hateful people I've ever known, and I'm definitely not a ray of sunshine myself!

My father is a narcissist too, my condolences, it's a terrible way to grow up. It always surprises me to realize all over again that what I internalized as "normal" really isn't normal at all and it's just not okay either.

My former friend couldn't ever handle it if she was named as the person who had caused a problem, or the one who had hurt someone, and anything else that would make her take responsibility for her actions. I can see why, it threatened her false sense of self anytime she was told she wasn't oh so empathic, selfless, and loving but was in fact the exact opposite. Her particular shade of gaslighting was and is very insidious too because of course no one was ever looking for it. She plays puppet master all too well, she has to, she's always desperate for more narcissistic supply.

You are always going to be the problem if you see the narcissist in a light they do not want you to see them in. If their false sense of self isn't constantly being reinforced and fed then they will find a way to fix that problem and what's the problem? Whoever their narcissistic supply is, and since you're here then you've been supply.

I realize that this all sounds insane, and quite malicious. And there's a good reason for that, it's because it is. You're not crazy.


My former "friend" did the passive-aggressive BS too, especially with a particular Narcissistic Abuse 101 tactic: the silent treatment. Anytime one of her sources of supply displeased her she would simply withdraw from the supply's life for weeks just to inflict emotional and psychological pain on them as punishment. It worked so well that nobody dared to make her upset after awhile. Or they would realize she was a narcissist and they'd go no contact (one of the better options for dealing with my kind, I won't deny that).

I keep noticing that it's far more difficult to spot a narcissist than most seem to believe it is. I don't know why my kind tend to be difficult to spot for so many. (A psychopath I've known for quite some time made the same observation, about me specifically, being very hard to identify as a narcissist. I'll have to think about this more ...)

My former friend, like the narcissist you've been dealing with, is indeed an unhappy person. I would be less pleased about this fact if she had not deliberately used something painful to me as a weapon against me and then insulted my intelligence by trying to gaslight me about it.

Thanks so much for your post and story!!!

Yes, I now see it can be difficult to spot a narcissist. This person played me well, and I bought into it.

And when I confronted her on anything she did that bothered me? I did get the silent treatment once, but most times, no ownership, no apology and no remorse. Just more dribble about herself.

And she would go on lengthy diatribes either about herself or she would bestow all her wisdom on me about my own life, telling me how I am, and what I am going through. She would talk at me instead of to me, and she would talk down to me instead of to me as an equal. She never treated me like an equal.

I can't believe it took me so long to catch on. I knew something was off, but I kept going along with it anyways. At least now I know.

Hey @Have Hope- Have you ever wondered if there is more of a connection with people that claim to be empaths and narcisissism? What I mean by "claim" is there is no definitive way to classify empaths. We can read about them and self identify but you and I know of others who were "empaths" or hinted at being empaths that have actually demonstrated behavior that is not empathetic or intuitive at all but rather selfish, self absorbed in a way that is on par with narcisissts.
I just wonder if the two are connected because narcissists are grandiose and make all kinds of claims, in addition to emotional manipulation- and someone labeling themselves and empath all the while being a toxic person could easily take advantage of someone who simply believes them and doesnt really get the narcisisst part. Am I making sense? (and excuse all the mispellings of narcisisst. I am constantly swapping out or adding ss's I cant seem to get it right without asking Siri and she was busy )

@sarahsweets, you make a really good point! But I don't know enough about narcissism to be able to say accurately. This person certainly had me fooled, that's for sure. And I cannot believe it took me so long to see the narcissism! And that's mainly because I was told they're an empath! It certainly threw me off track and made me go in a completely different direction for a very long time! But when I saw that they couldn't apologize or take ownership of hurtful actions towards me repeatedly, and when they continued to go on lengthy diatribes about themselves, even AFTER I pointed it out to them, I finally clued in!!!! I did feel taken advantage of and quite fooled by this person. It was most disheartening to see how easily I was misled. But why wouldn't I believe someone who claimed to be an empath? Right? Argh. But yes, there probably is a connection I am sure. This person was also very obsessed with narcissists and the topic of narcissists. Constantly. Another clue!!

This person sounds awful. Sadly some truly awful people claim to be “empathetic”, loving and caring etc Most great people don’t constantly toot their own horn. People already already know them to be great. If they have a need to brag about their greatness, it’s likely because none is true and no one believes them. Glad you are done with her/him

They were awful. And thank you! I am glad too!

What this person also did was turn every one of my upsets into a wrong, as though being upset about something made me in the wrong. I was beaten up by this person for simply having been upset about some things and for having expressed my upsets. They in fact attacked me for those upsets, after I confronted them about their behavior. This person is starting to make me ill. They continue to attack me by talking openly about me to others whom I know, trying to smear me and get at me. Well, it's not getting to me. It only just points to their very low character as a raging narcissist. I have to almost laugh at it, it's pathetic. They are full of toxic venom. They are severely toxic, and I felt this way long ago at one point.

Do you have to continue interacting with this individual? (Family or co worker). Hope not. This person sounds very unhealthy and unhappy. Sounds like they are trying to elevate themselves by trying to put others down. That never works. Hope you can forever keep your distance from them

Yes that’s exactly what they’re doing!! And yes I can distance myself. They’re definitely not a happy person.

In fact, this person is waging a war against me right now, but I have to laugh at them. It's ridiculous and I've done absolutely nothing wrong except point out their own behaviors. Man, do narcissists HATE that --- hence, waging a war against me now.

This sounds so familiar. Perhaps I gave someone benefit of the doubt as she had underlying health problems (epilepsy). Got friendly with her at work. Everything okay for the first few months, then noticed every conversation revolved around her, husband and daughters. When I mentioned how my niece was doing at school, the subject was quickly changed back to her daughters.

Turning point was a male colleague asking why I was friendly with her. We had a great relationship so he felt able to comment without offending me. That was the eye-opener. One day he said something to her that she didn't like, so threatened to report him. Wanted my support, but I genuinely hadn't heard what he'd said. Then accused me of taking his side. What he said fairly innocuous; her problem she could dish out but not accept. Needless to say, she didn't report him.

Went out socially with her and another colleague. The last time, noticed her bad language. Everything she said liberally splattered with f bombs! Began to distance myself then. Nights out dwindled because other (nice) colleague left the company. Then I lost my job. Fast forward eight months. Couldn't avoid this woman in local shopping centre. Walked towards me with arms wide open whilst talking on the phone. Totally dismayed when I stepped to one side. Was also supposed to wait until she'd finished her call. Made my excuses and left...

Not heard from her since that day, so yes, it was all still about her!

Oh dear... yeah, that sounds like a true narcissist.

They're a most difficult personality to deal with. And honestly? I believe they must have trouble keeping friends because they're so difficult. No one wants to deal with that kind of personality.

It's never a two-way street with them, like normal friendships are SUPPOSED to be. It's always about them. And yes, they can dish it out, but certainly cannot take it back in stride. And if you DO offend a narcissist? I have found it's an all out war they wage against you.

Good riddance to her! You don't need that kind of person in your life. All they do is make one miserable and feel worse rather than better.

And when you get underneath the narcissist's skin and unveil who they truly are? They go on a rampage and warpath against you! They will stop at nothing to get back at you -- smear campaigns, antagonism, insults, anything they can think of to tear you down because their overly inflated ego is bruised.

That's exactly what this narc is doing to me right now -- and I have to laugh at them because it's so pathetic and because I can see right through all the BS.

Totally agree!

Now I've realised what her behaviour was about, it's all slotted into place. Only a few people in the office had anything to do with her. Luckily, she didn't quite wage war on me when I told her to back off one day but did complain to colleagues who she thought would listen.

The male colleague mentioned had a car accident; I was first person he called after trying to get hold of his wife. Although he returned to work quickly, obvious it had affected him. When she asked what was wrong with him, I stupidly told her. A few weeks later, someone ran into her. When she mentioned she was struggling with aftermath (although not injured), I suggested she went to counselling. Big mistake; nasty comment about helping him but you can't help me.

Yes, definitely a narc...

They're maddening people, aren't they?

The one who is trying to tear me down is most maddening. This person claims to be oh so supportive and wonderful towards everyone she meets, yet she backstabs and is very passive aggressively putting me and anyone else down who crosses her, and it's just plain TOXIC. This person is entirely toxic for me personally.