[acornspidersparkle]

So, the family member that I take care of or watch... or rather, allow her to watch me & intrude on my life, mow the lawn, turn off the stove when she runs out to grocery shop, forgets her keys daily and demands that I let her in right NOW (aka stop whatever I am doing b/c her life is more important than mine but whatever, not arguing b/c I know that does NOT help here!)
ANYWAY, we have reached an all new level of crazy here, because she speaks with very, VERY distant family member who is in prison. He is a pedophile that she wishes to "save" b/c he just probably was framed and couldn't afford a good lawyer, blah-blah, that is her choice, not mine. HOWEVER she is sharing details about her grandchild. MY CHILD.
I am livid! I have warned her in the past to just not talk about us to him. "Of course not" is always the reply. At Saturday breakfast with the family of elders she announces that he enjoyed hearing about our last adventure (my daughter and me only, she wasn't even there!).
I want to scream. I have limited the information that she can find about me b/c she is skilled at changing the story. I cannot afford rent but I still moved further away. She follows me and tells my stories at family breakfast as if she was there. It is SOOO creepy and the pedophile is absolutely, without a doubt TOO FAR!
I am not sure how to stop this b/c I cannot stop her from writing family. And every time that I attempt to calmly say, Do Not tell this person about my child, I get the same response. "Oh, I had no idea you'd feel that way. So-o-o-orry! So sensitive." In front of my grandfather and my child, I will not scream at her but Lord, it is getting close!
Advice? Anyone?

[BlueRaine]

Is there an older relative who she respects that would be willing to talk with her on your behalf? Your situation is delicate but if you feel that the person in prison could be any sort of threat to your child you have to take action.

[acornspidersparkle]

Originally Posted by BlueRaine

Is there an older relative who she respects that would be willing to talk with her on your behalf? Your situation is delicate but if you feel that the person in prison could be any sort of threat to your child you have to take action.

I am afraid that the elders will not intervene. The one that she possibly would listen to is her dad. If his wife had survived longer, she would be an exact replica. She was scary and bulldozed everyone that she met. We all have pulled away from this person and I truly hate leaving her alone, but she will not go to Al-Anon, she will not see a counselor, she will not see a doctor, illness = weakness + imperfection,
SLEEP = weakness + imperfection

My therapist met her once and he found a grant for me to further my therapy (we'd never spoken about her before, one meeting, he knew there was work to do). I want to run away and yet I cannot abandon her.
But raising my child in safety is paramount.
I am trying to find this man's name. She did complain this morning that her mail was returned - something unacceptable to the prison? Kinda praying that the guards DO read his mail and are trying to limit his information. Still want his name and what charges would result in 20 years, so far.

I am sure that if she is disabled and requires a caretaker...one can be provided for her....maybe look into that?Call social services and see what can be done so that you can be relieved of this very stressful situation?....keep us posted.Sending you a cyber hug.~WOolf

[Perna]

I don't understand the many relationships you are discussing here and what they have to do with you and your daughter. I don't even understand how you know she writes to the person in jail if you don't know their name/anything about them and who the person is that tells you about "adventures" of you and your daughter and how that relates to the person in prison.

You say you have moved further away and she follows you. I don't understand that either, how you cannot just move in such a way that she can't/won't follow. It sounds like you have difficulties with what you want also, that there are lots of other people around who can "watch" for her dangerous mistakes (though it also sounds like she's living on her own if she goes out on her own! How is that?) or deal with her drama. I would keep focusing on my own needs and those of my daughter and do what is necessary, no matter how it might pain me emotionally; you are not responsible for anyone else besides yourself and any minor children!

[acornspidersparkle]

You make a good point Perna. I do not know if mom has told this great-lost cousin about my daughter. Mom could be telling a story to see if I will lose it in front of the family. Scary but that is what she does to all her children. The person in prison is a pedophile, according to mom. But framed. This means he did it, but if she could rescue him, he'd be eternally grateful, she is the hero, and that is how she operates.
Mom does not think herself ill. She thinks mental illness is impossible and she is above it - so disappointed in her children for running to therapists, psychiatrists, etc. She has lived on her own but cannot keep a job lately, or an appt. If we children mention a doctor, she does not speak with us, sulks, and within a week she becomes ill, locked out, car broken (in other words, an emergency).
She can take care of herself for now. We could separate more from her, that is true. She can seem quite kind at times and then she is one of the most manipulative, controlling, harsh mothers. Her children, all of us, are still furious with her and we're nearing 40, and we've all had multiple therapies. It was just an abusive controlling childhood and we'd be over it, if she did not seem to be showing signs of dementia. The abusive talking, CONSTANT talking, the mindgames (IF she spoke to a pedophile about my child or not? I don't know but she tells me that she has & she is without remorse.) combined with the possibility of dementia.
I do not know quite how to handle it. My therapist and I are have been working on it. I try to work with her once per week, but she calls and comes over, and loudly complains about her heartless children to anyone that will listen. Small town. I don't want to say that she's ill b/c I hope that her behavior will improve with a job. If I ask for help in this town, it will ruin her chances for a job here.
And I'm sorry that it is so confusing, it's been 3 years but there has been a rapid decline in the past few months. Lots of repeating, forgetting, constant talking, and mean talking. I don't know quite how to describe it. But the fog of her presence still rattles all of her children and we are not getting past it, so that we can help her through illness, aging, whatever it is.

[sunsetsunrise]

Hi Acorn
I wish I had a good suggestion. From what you write, it is very complex. The dimentia, denial of her own mental illness, that fact that she is your mom. etc. Such a difficult position for you to be in. I know your prioritiy is your daughter. I am wondering if you have talked with your therapist about consulting an attorney to see what legal measures can be taken considering your mom's mental state and current actions. I think your concerns as a parent to protect your daughter are paramount. I am so sorry this is going on. You mentioned her father, your grsandfather, I presume. Are you going to discuss it with him? Perhaps even ask him to attend a therapy session, if he too is in denial but could be possibily open to working on getting her help ....one way or another?