rug pulled out from under me

a brief preface to the moderators.... I'm not sure this belongs in general, but I can't figure out where else to put it... depression??? caregivers??? social???? grief??? excuse me if this is the wrong forum. Please move the post if not appropriate for general.

I took my mom to her primary care doc yesterday for a follow up to her most recent hospital stay. I thought we were there for a blood pressure check and the results of all the tests they ran while she was in the hospital. Instead the doc told me we needed to talk about "options" for Mom's care. Based on her reaction I must've looked stupid when she said it. I said we don't want any heroic measures. Then the doctor said she was writing an order for hospice to come in. I must've looked really stupid then. My head was spinning. I know Mom's condition is eventually going to be terminal, but HOSPICE!?!?! NOW?!?!?! Took Mom back to the assisted living facility after the doctor appointment. I had to get back to work, but took some time to sit and talk with her. She said she was fine with calling hospice. She told me about a month ago that she's ready to go when her time is up. I'm glad she's OK with it.

BUT.... how the devil did we get to the point that we need hospice already?!?!?! I called in hospice last May when she was discharged from the hospital. At that time she was refusing to eat, too weak to get out of bed and just didn't care if she lived or died. She's eating. She's able to get around with her walker. She does care if she lives or dies, she's just OK with dying if that's what's coming.

She has dementia. She's in stage 3 renal failure. We finally got her blood pressure under control. I've been pretty sure that this was going to be our last Christmas together. Made for bitter sweet holidays. I know she doesn't have a lot of time left, but HOSPICE?!?!?! Hospice means the person has 6 months to a year left. My head knows that's realistic. My heart is breaking though.

I love my Mom. She's my best friend as well as my Mom. I don't want to be without her. At the same time it hurts to see the Alzheimer's stealing her away. Her mother died a long slow death. I don't want that to happen to my Mom. Yet I don't want to lose her. Grief and depression keep rearing their heads. I'm distracted. I'm sad. I had to fight off tears all yesterday afternoon at work. I'm scared. Don't know what I'm scared of, but I'm scared.

Not even sure why I'm posting this. Nothing anyone can do to make this be any different. No way anyone can create a miracle and make her health problems go away. I need support. What I ache for is someone to put their arms around me and help ease the pain. Ain't nobody here in 3D to do that. Could I have some hugs, please?

I wish I had magical words for you hon. pm if you need to or want to.

(((((((((((((( lizardlady )))))))))))))))))))))

oh, (((lizard))).

i am sending you and your mum all the beautiful thoughts i can muster right now. please keep posting here and letting us know how you go. i will keep giving you hugs.



xo deli

bebop, gimmice and deliquesce, thanks for the support. And thanks a ton for the hug! Your kindness really touches me.

hugs and love to you at this difficult time...

Im sorry. That sounds so hard and sad. ((HUG))

YOU BETCHA,((( lizardlady ))) ,.... my mom had terminal breast cancer so i can so understand all that you are going through. mom chose hospice too when all medical help had been exhausted that would provide good results. it is particularly hard to lose a mom i think from my own experience. during my mom's illnenss i found myself slowly letting go...she too was ready to go when her fight was up. she had a peace about her that was so awesome. i accidently broke into a sob one day after remaking her bed with her in it. i said,"mom, i don't want you to die." i was horrified hearing myself saying those words. she ended up comforting me... she showed me that one can die with dignity. during that time was when i was able to grieve while she was still living. by the time it was time i knew i needed to unselfishly let her go...to allow her to be out of pain, to be at peace. it was the saddest day of my life when she died but i hold those 2 years of her hospice care so special in my heart because i admired and respected her courage. i hope you will find the same result with your mom. i will pray for you, your mom and your family.

Gardenergirl, minime and madisgram, thanks for the hugs and support.

Madisgram, you give me hope when you say hospice was involved with your mother for two years. Like I said in my original post, I know my mom is dying. Having the doctor order hospice on Tuesday just makes it seem more real and more immediate. Please don't be hard on yourself for telling your mom you didn't want her to die. I believe it's OK to say it. I've said the same thing to my Mom. I've told her I don't want to be without her and in the same breath told her it was OK to go when she's ready.

Time, time being up, time even being 'down..' it all a mystery. We can try to comprehend it get our minds around it yet that is all it is a try. Death well at every one it seems a new baby is born I have so heard. I apologize if I sound trite I am trying to write out my own grief, for my mother who died at age 67. She could not see at that point. I do believe she sees now.

I am really sorry you are going through this. Its not fun!

I am going through it right now. My dad had a major stroke in July at age 64. Was in the hopsital for 3 months before he came home. He currently lives with me- I tell you that is the only blessing out all of this. He is here with his family and he can see his grandson everyday.

My dad has given up too- Which is soo hard. When they give up its like reality is sinking in.... that this is real. We are going to lose our best friend, our parent. That is the last thing we ever ever want. Its too soon. Not yet. Its not fair. My times and memories made with my dad aren't supposed to be up yet. Not yet.

But.... they are ready.

My poor daddy went into the hopsital on Christmas eve and he is still there.

I am sorry you are going through this. Just be there for your mom every time you can. Love her, care for her, and be there for her the only way you know how. As long as she has you and knows you are there for her- she will not die a slow painful death. She will embrace it and be at peace.

Peace be with you and your family!!!

My dad says- in 2009 everthing will be fine!

Hugs to you.. a big one!

Jennifer

hi "lady", i'm so glad my post has reassured you regarding hospice. since my mom's death my cousin, retired, has been trained to be a hospice visitor. she has told me how glad she has taken that up as a volunteer. hospice gives you and your family emotional support, your mom the same, and does so much more for so many of us. hugs to you. keep us posted on how you, the family, and your mom are doing.

(((( lizardlady ))))

Lots of love and strength to you. My mom had a long, downhill slide (strokes) before finally passing. Sometimes I think that it was helpful to have stretched out the grieving process over so many years, rather than have a sudden end. I don't know though. It's hard either way.

The one thing I do is try to honor her, especially with the little things. Wear one of her favorite pieces of jewlery, think about how she would've like the way I dressed on a certain day (she was a material girl), etc. , as well as the big things like loving and doing things for my Pop or nieces or making a big decision.

She was also very spiritual, I know she's there for me when I call upon her or when we have a family gathering. I also strongly feel her undconditional love (something I didn't quite get while she was alive; it was almost always conditional), and I am so comforted, well, and loved like I never was before. (It's a mystery of death, that you don't feel until it happens; a few weeks after my mom past, I went to another funeral and the priest put words to what I was feeling and explained it as a mystery of death. It truly is.)

I find that through these actions and feelings, she is not gone for good. That she is a part of my life. I hope you find some comfort in these experiences as you face death.

The process is so hard; one of the toughest things you'll have to deal with in this life. But it is a huge part of life after all. Give your mom all your love now, help her through (I know you already are), and keep her always in your heart, mind, and soul.

Thank you everyone. I'm in a little bit better place emotionally today than when I originally posted. I visited Mom last night. Cognitively she was having a good day. Kidney function continues to get worse. Bottom line is that she' not in pain and content with her life. I've determined to visit as often as I can and try to focus on what we have here and now.

Someone mentioned having a chance to prepare for death. I've lost all my family except Mom. Some deaths were fast and unexpected, some slow and drawn out. I don't know that one way is easier, or harder, than the other. There are positives and negatives to both.

Mom and I have always had a special connection. We would just know if the other one was having a hard time. More than once one of us would call the other and start the conversation by saying "What's wrong?" I believe that connection will remain even after Mom is dead. I'm going to ask her to try and contact me after she dies.

She will come to you. She will be there. In your dreams, in your concious and unconcious mind, in your soul, in the world. Look for the signs and feel her in your heart and soul.