[Philski]

First timer here and am really searching for healthier ways of being. Quick overview of my life. Grew up with an alcoholic narcissistic father as the oldest child of four. Have always been very sensitive and discovered a few years ago that I grew up with undiagnosed ADD. I'll be 45 this weekend, so back then, they didn't even have ADD in the DSM IV.
Anyways, discovered I was a teenage alcoholic from my first drink at 14. Only drank/drugged for five years when I got into AA and Alanon. Have been active in those programs for 25 years with 23 years continuous sobriety. During that time, I've done counceling, read countless self-help books, tried meds for depression and anxiety, attended experiential workshops, yoga, meditation, and exercise.

A couple short years ago I was looking seriously at taking my life due to serious depression and some difficult life challenges. Today, I'm in a much better place but have had to come to terms with an Schizotypal Personality Disorder which suggests that recovery groups are not helpful. The symptoms that are listed are very close to what I've dealt with since about 10 years old.
These are the symptoms:
Schizotypal Personality Disorder
A pervasive pattern of social and interpersonal deficits marked by acute discomfort with, and reduced capacity for, close relationships as well as by cognitive or perceptual distortions and eccentricities of behavior, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

* ideas of reference (excluding delusions of reference)
* odd beliefs or magical thinking that influences behavior and is inconsistent with subcultural norms (e.g., superstitiousness, belief in clairvoyance, telepathy, or "sixth sense"; in children and adolescents, bizarre fantasies or preoccupations)
* unusual perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions
* odd thinking and speech (e.g., vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, overelaborate, or stereotyped)
* suspiciousness or paranoid ideation
* inappropriate or constricted affect
* behavior or appearance that is odd, eccentric, or peculiar
* lack of close friends or confidants other than first-degree relatives
* excessive social anxiety that does not diminish with familiarity and tends to be associated with paranoid fears rather than negative judgments about self .

The 25 years of 12 step recovery has helped deal with some of the more glaring aspects of this disorder, yet I'm asking myself if I should put any more effort into establishing relationships with others. I have a girlfriend and my immediate family in my social circle and thats it. All the so called friends from my past have left and in many cases leaving me with a huge sense of betrayal and hurt. I've searched the internet for information in dealing with this personality disorder and have found very little.

My spiritual recovery is good. Training for a marathon has taken place of anti-depressants and is working better than any prescribed drug I've ever had. Emotionally I'm doing ok given I'm not feeling very depressed or anxious lately. However, I've given up doing things related to being around others including my 12 step recovery programs. It's been too painful to establish relationships and watch them drift away as some of these symptoms increase in direct proportion to stressors that happen due to my high sensitivity.
Spending over half my life in recovery, I've come to the conclusion that I'll just have to 'accept the things I cannot change' and live with this as best I can. It sadens me that human relationships will be limited to my very small circle I currently have.
Any feedback welcomed...
Thanks,
Philski

[kimmydawn]

philski, hi and welcome. my mother is dx'ed schizotypal as well. she has other dx's, but that is one of hers. she's 63 and lives just as she did at 43, excepting the fact that she's secluded herself a bit more. she can tolerate the brief experience of talking with ppl in the store, etc. however, other than myself and 3 other familly members, she has no other relationships excepting her therapist.

she seems very content to have things that way. as long as she's content with that part of her life, i don't think it should matter how many ppl are involved in it. the only thing...it can be quite draining on the family members involved with her as she exhibits histrionic features. however, without that, it would be fine, i think.

are you seeing a t one on one currently? i think that really helps her much to function better on a weekly basis.

by the way...bravo as to where you've come in your life! i think that's fantastic and shows the strength and insight that you have. well done!

again, welcome!

[Eva1nder]

Hi Philski

I came across your post today and I was very interested in it because I just recently heard of this diagnosis.

My b/f was first diagnosed w/ bipolar 1 and very quickly told they were considering he had schizophrenia, which he did not want to believe. He then was telling me that they are now telling hiim he had this shizo something disorder. So I asked him is it schizo affective disorder?

He said no...it's something else. So I was doing reasearch and I came across this. This sounds very much like him. I asked him and he said yes this is what they believe is his situation.

He on & off has a hard time accepting his illness. At first he didn't want to believe he had bipolar1...now he wishes that would be all he had to deal with.

I see you also had to deal with growing up undiagnosed with ADD and alcoholic issues.

He as well went through adhd issues, which now they say was Aspergers syndrome. There were serious family issues as well.

He is going to be 31 soon. He lost both parents a few years back in an accident, which I think made his illness much worse.

He actually has some close ...very supportive friends. He can at times be very unstable. It's really very difficult.

I'm glad to hear you are doing well.

I love him very much.

I understand how you feel about losing relationships and having a small circle around you as I have a similar situation in my own life with my own illness to deal with. The only thing I can say on that though is that I know I am the reason for that though. I isolate myself more so.

I don't think I was of much help to you, but it was nice to hear of someone else with a similar situation to someone who I care very much about. It's sometimes hard to understand how he feels being "so close" to the situation ...if that makes sense.

I do hope you are well and can find some support here.

I think that you will. I have found many people to be so helpful to me here and very supportive and informative.

Take care
Eva

[Fuzzybear]

Hi Philski and welcome! I hope you keep posting, I read your post with interest and hope to get to know you better. I agree with kimmydawn that you show great strength and insight. There are a lot of people here who are supportive and who I think could relate.

Take care,
Fuzzy

[Shadowsinsideme]

hi-

i know this is an older post, but i am very curious to hear about others experiences with schizotypal.
..i am diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia. The diagnosis seems to fit pretty well, but my docs are still concidering schizoaffective:depressed type (because of one severe depressive episode i had two years ago)

...anyway, before i was diagnosed, i was thinking that maybe i could have schizotypal...but since my symptoms include delusions, auditory,tactile, and visual hallucinations,thought disruptions/intrusive thoughts, and negative symptoms...i and all the doctors think i fit the criteria for schizophrenia better.

Whenever i read about schizotypal, i always see listed "odd perceptual experiences, including bodily illusions" i have tons of these....heres a description of what i experience:

-cant tell where my legs, hands,arms, etc. are
-cant tell where my body stops and the world starts (everyting seems to flow together)
-my body feels all mixed up and distorted--like the way a picaso painting looks
-feel seperate/detached from my body. Or sometimes far away from my body
-my face changes..sometimes it's like i dont recognize myself.
-sometimes when i look at other people, there faces look weird, or they somehow look like me or my family members. Objects do this too. Sometimes i look at one of my stuffed animals and it seems to resemble me

..lately, my biggest "bodily illusion" is the feeling that i am possessed/inhibited by other people/aliens. I feel them inside my body, moving around, possessing me and such.

does anyone know What other kinds of perceptual experiences are common with schizotypal PD?

Also, i've read that someone with schizotypal might have "ideas of refference" does this mean that they have paranoias like people are watching them/spying on them, but they know that they are not true?

well, sorry this got so long (i always ramble, because these forums is the only place i really talk) thanks for your input

-becka