[CCadam]

has anyone been married to a BPD wife. If so did you feel you were BPD also? She is wanting a divorce again (she did the same thing last year) only to come back.
She is constantly doing things that make me not trust her and I fear the abandonment more often than she does. When we get in arguments and she wants to leave I freak out and try to get her to stay. I have never cheated though and value our marriage. She has cheated five times that I know about, but yet I still want her back. I try to get her to go to counseling and she tells me to stop worrying about her and to focus moving on without her. I feel like marriage should be permanent and that there is never too much trying. We were very happy together at one time, and have gotten it back from time to time. It almost seems like when the honeymoon phase is over, she gets really depressed stops taking her zoloft and starts the pushing behavior. (cheating, telling me I don't trust her, etc...) I don't know what to do, I love her with all my heart. I feel like if she would only get some help and accept that she is bpd we could make it.
She gets mad at me for checking up on her ( cell phone bills, asking her where she was if she is a little late, and thinking the worst of her) but then I always find out that I had good reason to think the worst. Sometimes she actually is honest and does value our relationship, but then I feel like I am too clingy and if she doesn't want to kiss, hug, have sex, etc... that she doesn't love me. She will go from being really close and clingy to being distant and say things like " Just because I don't want to kiss you right now doesn't mean I don't love you" which I understand, but then it seems like it will go on like that forever unless I ask for things. I have no clue what to think anymore. The only thing I know Is that I have been the same throughout our relationship ( values, morals, clingy, expecting the same from her etc...) while it seems like she changes every 2 to 4 weeks.
I have been told I am like jeckyll and Hyde, but it seems like she is more than me.
I feel like I have been manipulative, and subtly controlling, in trying to get her to spend more time with me. For example, she always like to hang out with a female friend who I had hung out with before, then every time she wanted to hang out with her I wasn't invited, or the plans would change and we wouldn't go. Am I wrong for expecting my wife to invite me every so often, say two of five times or so.
it seems like I am the only one willing to compromise. If I ask for a middle ground, I get from her either "fine I won't go out" or " why can't I have my own friends" I never tell her not to go out, I just ask that she invite me occaisionally. yeah, I would like for us always to be together, but i know that's unreasonable, and way to much to ask of someone.

It's weird, she fits all the BPD criteria, and I fit some of them, but only like half or so.

Any advice would be great. thank you.

[Rapunzel]

It's possible that you do have BPD also. It doesn't only affect women, although it is more commonly diagnosed in women. There are reasons why it isn't often recognized in men, such as that some of the behaviors are things that may seem more normal when a man does them according to our cultural norms. However, it sounds to me like you are frustrated with the way that she is treating you, and that is entirely understandable. Sometimes when you have a loved one who suffers from mental or emotional difficulties, you could benefit from getting some counseling or therapy yourself just to help you to deal with it. That might be something to look into. Would she consider going to couples counseling? That's another thing that might help both of you to understand each other and know how to deal with each others' needs. You're a trooper to hang on with all the challenges you face. You must love her a lot. It would be convenient if we had a way to change our loved ones and make them easier to live with sometimes, but they have to make the decision themselves to change. Sometimes the best that you can do is to make changes in yourself that will help you to cope better.

I wish you well.