[CrazyButSweet]

I have been diagnosed with depression for years, yet I know it is something more than that. A doctor once diagnosed me with "possible" Borderline Personality Disorder, but another said that was a misdiagnosis. I fit many of the symptoms, but he thinks it's more passive-aggressive and not as severe as BPD.

I do insane things, especially online. I'll try to hide behind different personas, but I always give myself away. I just do and say the whackiest things for no reason. I blow up at people for something I perceive is wrong, no matter who it is directed toward. I make my living online, so this is a real problem. I have found posts on forums calling me all kinds of names, and saying that everyone knows I'm psychotic. I think about suicide all the time, I mean every single day. I've been Baker Acted twice, and signed myself into the hospital several times, but they never keep me long since I don't have insurance, and then they just give me pills and send me home.

No anti-depressants work for very long, that's why I don't think it's depression. One doctor said I had an "addiction gene," that made the meds not work long. I have alcoholics on both sides of my family, so that's probably true.

I'm so tired of being tired. I feel like I have no energy at all, just want to go to sleep and never wake up. My life is unbelievably messed up, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm also self-defeating, so I keep getting myself further and further into this hole. I think that it would be better for everyone sometimes if I was just dead. I think about it very logically, and cannot see where I contribute anything worthwhile to society as a whole.

I guess that's it for now. I know there is no help for me. I'm not a kid, I'm middle-aged, and if they haven't found a cure for me yet, they aren't going to.