[complic8d]

Does anyone else have trouble making eye contact, and I mean with anyone? I've noticed that I don't even really make eye contact with my family. I tried really hard today to look at my therapist, but it's hard. I think it stems from just being so ashamed of who I am.
What do you do about it? What helps? What do you say to yourself to let yourself feel good enough to look someone in the eye?
Thanks for input.

[LMo]

WOW, complic8d... that is AMAZING INSIGHT. I never understood why some people can't make eye contact. My husband almost never does unless he's really, really comfortable with someone. He's been working on it but it's not easy.

What I find interesting is your REASON why it's hard for you. That never occurred to me. The only times that I'm uncomfortable looking someone in the eye is if I don't like them, so I had mistakenly assumed that when people don't look me in the eye, it's because I'm making them uncomfortable in some way. Wow.

What helps me in those cases is to look at them BETWEEN their eyes. That way, you have some private space in terms of eye contact, but to them, it looks as though you're paying attention.

Wow - I have to think about what you said. Very interesting!

[DaveyJones]

This is a hard thing to do, but you just have to practice. I played music on stage for many years. Because of the stage lights, I would have to look in the gwneral direction of people's faces, but I could not make eye contact.

After I settled down, I began a sales gig, and it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to look someone in the eye at first. So, I adopted the old stage tactic. If they were a lttle bit away, I would look at their foreherad or their nose, and just glance at their eyes when I could stand it. After doing this , I just kept upping the eye contact as well as using their name. Now, no problem. I might add, one of the most valuable social skills there is is to look someone dead in the eye, smile like they're your dream date and shake their hand, asking their name.

also, don't try and look in both eyes...pick one!

So I guess the short answer to all this is "Practice". It really won't take long, and you'll be glad you did!

DJ

[sara1010]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
complic8d said:
Does anyone else have trouble making eye contact, and I mean with anyone? I've noticed that I don't even really make eye contact with my family. I tried really hard today to look at my therapist, but it's hard. I think it stems from just being so ashamed of who I am.
What do you do about it? What helps? What do you say to yourself to let yourself feel good enough to look someone in the eye?
Thanks for input.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I think before you can look people in the eye, you have to be able to look yourself in the eye.

Whatever you are ashamed of, put it on the table, write it out on a paper, study it, think on it. Can it hurt you now, could you have dealt with it better at the time it happened, is there any need to hang onto it any longer? If you come to the conclusion it can't hurt you now, and realize even though what you did was not good, there's not a darn thing you can do about it now, and let it go. And stick with that decision.

Or do you want to hang onto it for eternity so you can beat yourself up again and again? Hmmmm.

The other question is this, do you think other people in your intimate circle (friends and family) make you feel this shame somehow? And if so, why would they do this to you? Do you think people want you to be ashamed and less than who you are?

[(JD)]

It's avoidance. What's good is that many people don't look others in the eye when they talk, so if you can learn to do this, those with whom you speak WILL notice how "sincere" you appear (they might not know the reason they feel good about you!)

On tougher subjects, my T has to remind me to look at him... I know I appreciate those who look at me while they talk too

[LMo]

excellent insight, Sara, about being able to look yourself in the eye. I like that.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I am one of the rare people who look people right in the eyes ..I can read them better that way....and my T has been able to read my eyes like you would not believe I am very expressive with them...I hope some day you can do the same

[LMo]

you're not talking to me, are you? Plus, your eyes aren't expressive... they are expressING. I thought you had an eye infection?

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

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LMo said:
you're not talking to me, are you? Plus, your eyes aren't expressive... they are expressING. I thought you had an eye infection?

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LMAO LMO..I am talking to the one who posted this thread and anyone else who wants to read me
My eyes are EXPRESSIVE and right now they are expressING amusement....Yes I have an eye infection right now but not always..... hahahah also my eyes are green and look a lot like Blairs in my soap opera but thats another story

[Estee1]

Yes. definately. I can make eye contact if there is conversation going on but as soon as the talking stops i freak out and inside of me I'm saying, "Get me out of here!!!!" When the pdoc looks at me I die a thousand deaths. It is very hard. With men i find it very difficult. It's torture.