eye contact

while Im big on eyes...I love them,think they're beautiful...and say so much....it's something I can't give . Its ok with aperfect stranger that I dont feel intimidated with...the hardest in personal relationships. ANy suggestions? Is it because of the closeness? Is it a trust issue...is it an extension of that "Wall" of protection? I understand alot of it....but when you are close to someone...shouldnt it get easier? I do notice its mostly when I feel bad....or feel Ive disappointed someone...or feel hurt...Im sure that makes sense...but what does it take to have the "confidence"(for lack of a better word) to be able to do that. I find it virtually physically impossible...Ive actually tried to "Make" myself do it because it was important to the other person. Is my self esteem that bad? DO I lack that much confidence?Am I that insecure no matter whatt? I knwo all the incidents in my life that have led to alot of self esteem issues....and I know I have them. This person has told me many times it makes them feel disrespected...unworthy of it....I guard my eyes with a passion...though I , as I said, love eys...they are the windows to the soul...and I dotn think i have a bad soul so what gives???
Thsi has caused me alot of pain in my life....andi if anyone else has had or has this problem Id love some input or suggestions.
I once had a therapist that made me stand in front of a mirror...look at myself...and repeat these self accolades that were written on paper. I couldnt do it...I could stand at a mirro...I could say them...but Ill be damned if I would grab the eyes and hold it...no way.
Sorry this is a long post....but its important to me and Im curious what anyone else can input.
ALways, Serenity

Ive also noticed the more emotionally vulnerable I am with the person...the harder it is to make or keep the eye contact unles its an extremely casual situation. Many times I jsut dotn want them to see the pain. Ive been told I have beautiful eyes....and I think their probably my best feature...so geez...input needed.

I think eye contact has alot to do with self esteem. I have always had good eye contact with whoever was sitting across from me. Until now. I was really confident and secure about myself. I knew who I was and what I had to offer whether it was business or personal.
Now I find I have a REALLY hard time keeping the eye contact. I can start but it's seconds before I look away. I noticed that about myself right away.

Eyes are the windows to the soul. I don't want anyone to really see what I have become. I don't want them to see the hurt inside. I don't want them to see I am damaged. That there isn't so much in there to give anymore.

Of course I feel like I come off as cold, uncaring or distant. But you know right now in my life alot of those things apply.

So there's my input my dear.
Hugs,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

Yeah I can relate Heid...on a business level Im usually ok with it...very confident in my abilities. On a personal level...well its practically non existant.
"Eyes are the windows to the soul. I don't want anyone to really see what I have become. I don't want them to see the hurt inside. I don't want them to see I am damaged. That there isn't so much in there to give anymore. "
Yes...they are windows to the soul...I do disagree on one point you made there though heid...I think you DO have as much to give...as do I...but maybe we are both just afraid to give it or make it as available now?
I'm amazed what a big issue it has become in my life. Ive always had it...and it wasnt until really serious relationships it became an issue. What the other person doesnt realize thoguh, is that it probably hurts me as much, if not more, than it hurts them. But its so hard to talk about or explain. I've tried to force myslef to do it. even if only for moments at a time. But this goes unnoticed usually and makes it that much harder because it isnt acknowledged. Frustrating.

One thing I still do when i get this feeling, is to do it when you know the person is not looking at you, maybe like when you two are watching TV, or eating dinner, look him or her in the eye.. That way it may be eaiser to do when they look at you. This takes a great deal of time.

I have always had a hard time looking at others in the eye's and I still do.. When I feel that I am ugly, I do not want to even look up, but I know I hve to, or i will feel even worse.
When I feel like I have to look at them in the eye, I look at their nose, or there lips, It makes the eyes look like they are looking at the person, and sometimes they do not know any better

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

lol you caught my "trick" I always lookwhen they arent because, as I said, I eally love eyes. but gawd forbid they "Catch" me looking...yikes...instant eye aversion.
Im sure its mostly self esteem...jsut seems there are so many issues withit that should go beyond that. like trust.
Ive done it a coupletimes...and its been so rewarding...someohow "safe"....so whyI cant do it is beyond me...it hasnt seem to make me "lose" anything or "hurt" mebut....just cant

I do understand trust me I do.

I just wish I could help more, and I cant.

lots of love coming your way

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

jsut talkign about it helps Lady...and knowing Im not the only one that has such a difficult time with it...I can even trace it back to pre teen years...pretty sad....to have people close to you...look so lovingly in your eyes and tell you how beautiful they are....and do everything in my power to hide them. go figure.
They reveal so much...guess Im not ready to let anyone in on what they do show or tell. Thats mine and it always has been ...guess I have the need to protect it ...I have so little left as it is.
Just was curious how anyone else tried to overcome it or deal with it...it it had caused problems in their life as well...or jsut to knwo Im not the only one that has such a MAJOR problem with it.
Thanks for all the input...Knowledge is power to me .

pppssssssssstttttttttttt.. Check out my new poems in CC please.. your input would be nice

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

gladly

yes knowleged is power.. and" Fear is the mindkiller"

But we have to overcome our fears or they will end up hurting us worse than anyone else can or could hurt us..

So take you time, Eye contact is one of the hardest fears to over come when you have low self-esteem.. Trust me I know

PS. ( I still can not look my finace directly in his eyes)

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

Serenity, I also have a hard time holding a gaze and tend to avoid eye contact altogether. I once was confronted by a boss who said that he didn't trust people who couldn't look him in the eye... he thought they were devious. I had to explain to him about how it isn't necessarily a devious intent when someone, like me, can't look him in the eye. It could easily mean intimidation or sheer terror or lack of self esteem. I hope he believed me. It kinda sent me for a loop to have him talk to me about it. I also had to confide something vulnerable to him to prove my innocence.... that really put me on the spot. I wish you success in your eye2eye endeavors. I think I am getting better at it with practice and psyching myself out to feel more confident when I can.

Yeh aI think I have heard every negative thign associated to lack of maintaining eye contact...lying,untrustworthy,disrespectful,nonchallant,hiding,etc etc etc
Some days ya jsut wanna smack em for being idiots. Granted...Children may look away if they are lying because of guilt.....but it isnt ALWAYS the d*** reason! I get so tired of trying to "justify" my reasons. Their mine...period...deal with it or dont
sothere lol
Wish it were that easy guess Im kinda grouchy lol
Thanks for the input though
*hugs*

*hugs* to you too. Sounds like you are strong

lol...maybe ya outta read the "Masks" post in Depression.... glad I "sound" strong though Thats a compliment, thank you

Just saying what i see

i am so glad you posted this post.. i didnt realize that other people stuggled with this.. and it upset me that i cant seem to ever look at anyone.. but i have found that when i am wear sunglasses and they cant see my eyes.. i am able to look at them...its feels strange but.. it does work for me.sometimes.....too bad its getting winter...
Darla

lolahhh the sunglas trick...yeah I like that one too...luckily i live in FLorida so I can get away with it alot. But kinda hard to do inside lol
On the serious side...it has caused me alot more hurt than I ever realized. It is actually a very big issue for me. One i struggle with constantly. I was never the assertive type either which I think helps alot .
No...you definitely arent alone in that department. Its caused me much grief for many...many...MANY years.

When I am listening to people, I can look them in the eyes, but when I am talking to them.....my eyes kind of slide away from them and then I drag them back for a few seconds - this keeps up during the whole conversation.

It's only when I'm talking to them though.

Mary Alice