[idontknow247]

Hi,

New to psych central. Trying to find support/answers to my problem..have been in contact with therapists, but it's generally 'be happy,keep living' sort of thing. I have an appointment with a psychodynamic/psychoanalytic doctor and seperate DBT doctor to help sort some of this out. Perhaps you could weigh in a bit?

The story goes:

I am 26, married, one 5 year old son, one 5 month old son. It wasn't until I recently had my 5 month old son that I started seeing things differently. I guess, looking back, I felt love for the first time ever with him. Whatever I could do for him be for him give to him, was just that. I didn't view him as anything other than perfect in his own way as a separate person. I couldn't name him, I had a name picked out but it didn't seem to fit, nothing fit. I couldn't give him a name because I didn't know how to or what he should be called? Anyway that's a small part of the bigger picture...
time goes on, the baby and I talk and play and I'm 100% devoted.
I start getting angry at my older son within 4 weeks postpartum. Really angry.
We move out of the middle of a walkable city to a suburb 3 months after baby born, quick move to improve husbands commute and get older son in better school. I'm driving my husband to and from work, my older son in a new school
and baby on new schedule, crying constantly from car rides....
I'm driving and miserable, wondering why I'm so miserable and have been forever. I think to myself I'm not effective enough and start to read 7 habits...
I'm isolated in a new house with my precious baby. I'm thinking a lot. I start seeing how I have been living life backwards and very self centered.
It dawns on me that I haven't been present in my own life. The only time I was ever truly present as my 'adult' self was with the baby. I look at my older son and realize he's never had a mom actually there for him in a truly loving way. Sure I did my best with what I could, but I was freaking out. I didn't know. I was crying, apologizing to him, panicking. I felt extreme guilt, remorse, sadness, and anger at myself and extended family.

I had extreme anxiety and sometimes panic attacks. I was yelling at my husband, son, completely on edge. Extreme insomnia.

I thought it was Post partum issues- I hadn't been eating well, (I'm generally fit) nor taking time for myself and my son was BF every hour for 4 months.

I started googling late at night when I noticed I felt differently towards my older son versus younger son. I all the sudden viewed my older son differently one day- he looked so young and I felt older. I was in a state of 'being'. My husband all the sudden looked older and seemed unfamiliar. I looked around our house and everything seemed to reflect unfamiliar, or really a hate for myself and what I'd been up to that point. I panicked and told my husband we needed to move to be near family so I could get help and the kids would be ok/safe.

I felt more responsible all the sudden, all the sudden the world was on my shoulders for the amount of responsibility I felt I had for my family and our wellbeing.

I regressed a few times in three weeks to a pre-baby, marriage 'high school like' state, I lost my very secure bond with my baby and we threw everything in our house away and moved to another country to 'be near family'. I had convinced my husband to quit his lucrative, good hours, job and took my son our of school without warning. Now we have nothing and are sitting in my mother in laws house. All I want is to go back home to work through the problems but my home is gone, our life is gone. I haven't left my room here, but to eat. My friends and extended family don't know I/we moved.

I holed myself up in the room trying to reconnect with the baby, but he only knows the older side of myself. A few times I felt the connection, then my son and husband walked in and it vanished (they only know me as my younger self).

I have been miserable and disconnected from them for a week. It's almost like I never had a baby. Now though, I don't pretend to be happy like I used to

[Travelinglady]

Dear one, are you seeing a therapist? I really think your situation calls for some professional help.

[idontknow247]

I had seen my ob- who said I needed to take care of myself but didn't think anything was supremely wrong.
I had been talking to a therapist this entire time, but the bigger issues seemed to never be addressed, example-('you did that?!')
Switched to a new therapist that basically just listened, offered some advice I didn't take (don't do anything drastic)
I've written most down and then relayed to a a psychologist last week, who has referred me to a psychiatrist this upcoming week.
I also have appointments with a DBT therapist and a separate appointment with a psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapist this week.

So yeah, I've been trying to get help and get treatment.