[PeachCream22]

Hey everyone,this is an issue that's been bothering me for a very long time, but I've only just started to realise it IS a problem. It's...an issue of myself, and hopefully this is the right forum. I will apologise for the lengthy post because it will require me to briefly explain certain periods of my life.

There's always this disagreement between me and my family members, well, especially my mom.

A few years ago, in secondary school, She disagrees with me spending time with my friend, who always borrows money from me and forgets to pay it back, she always begs me and acts all cute to accompany here anywhere at school, making me late for lessons, she always asks me to accompany her home, when her house is just 10 metres walk away, and everytime she does that my mom comes to school to pick me up and she finds that i'm not there all the time, end up with her having to wait for me to walk back. My friend has also borrowed money from my mom. Now that I think about it, it was really rude of her. My friend always has unstable emotional problems, probably due to family problems, or she could very well be an ultra sensitive person. I've disliked her for a lot of things, ranging from trust issues to her being selfish. But after all that, I'm not the type of person to just shake her off after years of friendship, because she did help me out of some tight spots sometimes, and she was great for girl talk. A lot of my classmates don't like my friend too, and my other friends always tell me to find someone else. My mom doesn't like me hanging out with her, and i've always had to lie about it. I'm not good at lying or negotiations, which brings me to my second friend whom my mom doesn't like.

He's a teacher from my school and he's married. He's outgoing and always hangs out with the students from my school, along with other friends. He loves hanging out with us and he's a professional photographer who loves capturing moments. He likes me a lot and asks me to hang out with him, sometimes alone, and sometimes with friends. Sometimes, he always wants me to go somewhere to hang out alone with him, and my mom would freak out saying he's married and people would talk if they see us and when i tell him that he just says let the people talk and I always end up arguing with my mom about it. I have a short temper, so I always get into arguments with my mom about it. ALWAYS. it's a problem. Speaking of hot temper, it brings me to my third point.

My first boyfriend who's now an ex. We tried to work things out, and it hasn't been easy. He's got his own problems and I've got mine, and we do try our best, but sometimes he leaves me messages and hurts me a lot, and I end up crying for days and days and I snap at my family members and become listless at school. i can't concentrate in lessons, knowing full well i'll flunk everything, further intensifying my anger and hot temper, because i've always been known as one of the top students, and I've always strove for the best. It's my very first relationship, so you can imagine the pain i've went through, and the exam stress to get into a good uni is slowly killing me inside. Slowly i feel suicidal, as if no one can understand what I'm going through....

Am i a people-pleaser? Because when I look back, I feel like i have no personality at all. I feel so colourless, like a robot. I let myself be pushed, and I was afraid of people, and ...it results in my hot temper to my loved ones...Help. Maybe my thread is a mixture of relationship, depression and personality, but whatever, it all stems from my personality.

[gayleggg]

I think you definitly need to learn boundaries. Maybe you could see a counselor that could help you with that. You need to set up boundaries with you girlfriend about what you will do and not do. One thing is I would set up a boundary to not loan her anymore money and keep that boundary when she asks again. Also, the same thing about walking her home. There needs to be a boundary that you will not walk her home when it is inconvient for you. To address the issue of the married teacher, I have to agree with you mom. This is not an appropriate behavior for him to be hanging out with you alone. You didn't say how old you are but it's not okay for a teacher to hang out privately with a student. Has nothing to do with what people say it has to do with inproper behavior on his part. Set a boundary that you will not be alone with him. Start out setting small boundaries and then make bigger ones. It will give you a sense of control of your own life and raise you self-esteem. Glad you posted. It's good to get things out in the open.
Gayle

[PeachCream22]

Thank you for the advice. I'm glad i wasn't wrong when I thought I had a problem. Thank you for not brushing me off, I really appreciate it. I will take your advice, but it will take some time...as i am sometimes too "softhearted", as 99% of the ppl I meet and know say. I'm not agreeing with them, but it's hard when everyone says so. Just trying to be myself at the same time, trying to be comfortable in my own skin.

[signalfire001]

Don't beat yourself up for being a people pleaser, I'm exactly the same and funnily enough, my best friend is awful at borrowing money. He owes me THOUSANDS now and I know I'll never get it back.

The thing with being a people pleaser is that whilst ok, we need to be stronger and learn to put boundaries in place, its equally the issue of the other person for being cruel and manipulative because they can see you're a kind person and are clearly exploiting it.
Its hard keeping everyone happy and more often than not, the one person who remains miserable, is you. Sometimes in life we need to be selfish and work out what is BEST for us. Be brave and give it a shot.