[Onward2wards]

I am not sure if this is the best place to post this, but here goes.

When it comes to chronic emotional baggage, sometimes we don't suppress, we simply forget. I have been considering what upset me most when I was growing up, and have noticed things that may be significant.

Psychologist/writer Erik Erickson breaks our early development into phases. I've noticed something that occurred when I was moving between what Erickson would call the "Industry vs Inferiority" and "Identity vs Role Confusion" learning phases.

I realized that, by turns, parents and school teachers and friends may infer that "I see you have personality traits X and Y. I encourage and accept X, but Y is a no-go, it only leads to pain in my personal experience, so I encourage you to not develop it - it is not acceptable". In the home you may hear one thing, at school you may hear the total opposite. Depending on the situation, you may experience groups of people seemingly switching judgmental roles. And, since everyone seems to be saying this with love and concern, whom do you believe? Am I X, am I Y, am I both? Don't I get a say in the matter?? Which choice leads to inferiority and role confusion, which choice leads to being individually powerful/competent and socially acceptable? I want to define myself, be true to myself, why am I being punished for it?

I realize that my formerly slightly shy but trusting childhood self started to become defensive, socially anxious, and by turns clingy towards people or sarcastic and rejecting - which undermined self-confidence and self-esteem. I remember I started getting bullied severely soon after and that made me bounce back and forth between being almost histrionic one minute, defensive/disrespectful the next, and then socially awkward, submissive and quiet (where I eventually got "stuck" as a new default). Issues with med-resistant depression began a few years after this! I don't believe for a moment this is a coincidence.

I don't think I have suppressed this stage, I think I simply forgot about it. Now, in my 40s, I am remembering again. I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something. I also remember that I began to have nightmares under stress, which lasted until my early 30s - when I reached a "critical mass" of relationships where I was fully accepted the way I like myself. All of these nightmares were a bit different, but they all had themes of EITHER being personally powerless, OR being socially ostracized/irrelevant or punished without explanation.

It took me years to realize I had developed anxious-avoidant personality traits as a coping mechanism (and a rotten one at that).

Finally I am learning true self-acceptance and self-trust. I feel like some inner aspects of myself I have been hiding and protecting for decades are brave enough to come out now. It has been a long road to get here. Is this what is called having "exiles"???

very interesting and insightful post, o2. Thanks for sharing this and I hope that all this learning is helping you to grow some and move beyond your challenges in life.

[Silent_Efforts]

Thank you for this post, Onward2wards.

[Fuzzybear]

Thanks for this post Onward2wards, very insightful