[GirlBehindTheMask]

I have so many different things going on with me but I'll try to explain those things the best I can.For starters.... #1. Seeing a crooked picture makes me feel like I need to straighten it.If I see magazines laying around,I want to neatly stack them.It even drives me almost crazy to see something that is put where it doesn't belong in a store.I admit that I can't help but organize things in a store and as soon as I do I feel calm.I know I'm not a neat freak,but I'm not junky either.I'm only I between. #2. I haven't made any effort to make friends offline since I was 13 years old.I'm 25 now and I don't seek social interaction offline.It's always only offline.When I'm around people offline I always feel very uncomfortable and although I'm normally talkative...I become pretty much silent unless spoken to.I always feel glad to get away from people.Growing up I was made fun of and picked on.Having my heart broke about 4 years ago didn't help.I just became withdrawn offline...and I honestly don't feel safe around other people. #3. I've never even dated so much as one guy offline.I've never been kissed,but one guy kissed me on the cheek without my permission.It made me mad because he causing me to get laughed at when I was 6 or 7. #4. I dislike myself.I think I'm ugly even though people tell me I'm attractive.The negative thoughts I have are that they just say it to be nice.I think I need surgery to change my eyes.I also feel that I need to bleach my dark skin until it's at least 4 shades lighter. #5.Whenever anyone wants to meet me in person I make up excuses as to why I can't meet them. #6. Sometimes I lie and say I'm fine when I'm not.If I don't want to open up I won't.If I'm in any kind of pain...chances are I won't say anything until it's to bad for me to hide. #7. I'm 113 lbs when I should at least be 115 lbs.I want to gain but whenever I eat more I feel bad and think I'm over eating but I still worry about being under weight. #8. When I'm in a lot of emotional pain I mentally abuse myself with all kinds of negative thoughts until I break down crying.I think things like... "No guy will ever love you." or "You're ugly." or "You're not good enough for any guy to love." or "If you dyed no one would care.You don't belong here any way.".I also will physically harm myself.I do things like scratching myself,digging my nails into my neck to the point that I'm nearly choking myself,stabbing with a sewing needle.Once I burned my wrist with a magnifying glass. #9. I bite off pieces of my inner cheek and sometimes lip.It's a habit that seems to be an impulse problem.There are times I do it to the point of bleeding a bit and I mainly it when I'm nervous or anxious.I'm nervous or anxious almost all of the time. #10. I'm afraid of letting people close to me offline.I don't want to be hurt or made fun of.I want to go to a psychiatrist but I'm afraid and uncomfortable with the thought. #11. My temper is mostly mild,but when I fed up with someone I go off on them.When I do I pretty much bite their head off.So I'd say I switch to being hot tempered.I believe I've kind of passive aggressive because I just take what people do to me then explode on them without warning.Sometimes I get so upset that I think about harming them.Oddly enough the thought calms me down. #12. I'm a sadist and masochist.I'm also dominant and submissive.A leader and a follower. #13. I get lonely to the point of depression but when I talk to people online I'm unable to maintain a connection with 96% of the people I talk to for longer than a month.So I'm always talking to new people.Part of me worries that I only talk to them because I'm lonely and using them to fill the void I have. #14. Some people say I show attention seeking behavior or that I'm conceited.I don't know if either of those statements is true or not.I'm not fully aware of myself.All I know is I feel like I need help so I talk to people about what worries me.I also tend to open up to quickly to people due to looking for someone to confide in.I need someone to understand. I have more issues but there are way to many to list.I haven't been diagnosed with any kind of mental disorder.I want and need to talk to a psychiatrist but I can't do it in person.I need to talk to a psychiatrist online.That's the only way I could be comfortable. So disorders do I seem like I may have?

[here today]

Originally Posted by GirlBehindTheMask

. . .I need someone to understand. . .

I think that you said it best. Sounds like you don't have anyone and don't know how to find them. Could you see a counselor and start out with that? Try to find ways to get what you need, don't worry so much about what might be wrong. A lot of "what's wrong" might go away if you can get some of what you need.

[GirlBehindTheMask]

Ok.No I can't.I also feel uncomfortable with meeting a counselor.I can't do a face to face meeting.I have an Uncle who is counselor but trying to talk to him is useless.I asked him if he could keep what I tell him to himself and he said he would have to talk to my mom and or his wife about it.He said it would be to get their opinions on it.So at the moment I have no one to help and no I can trust to take what I tell them to their grave.They don't seem to understand not to tell anyone.I don't trust psychologist because they'll probably try to have me put on medication.I dislike pills with their side effects.To me medication is bad for you.Some can cause a spot on the liver and the spot can develop into cancer which can take a life.I know it because I lost a loved one that way.I refuse to die that way.I rarely take Motrin.I stick to what is made by nature as much as I can.I think I'm more messed up than I think I am.It's possible I have paranoia and that I'm a secret schizoid.