[sadness10695]

I don't know how to thank you for this site cause I really need to share my problem asking you for help .. I am 18 years old man who is studying medicine .. I have always been one of the top students .. but right now I am so depressed .. I am not studying .. only before exams .. I am suffering from depression , guilt , sexual masochism , low self esteem , social anxiety . to be more specific , I am feeling needy for love and attention . my parents are too overprotective . my dad isn't completely normal , when he was a kid his dad married another woman , also he spent his youth working , he is a doctor but he always wanted to study abroad , he didn't for financial reasons , he gets angry so quick , he doesn't care for his health . my mom always seems like she wants me to need her , I am living in a different country , but she always want me to admit that I can't handle myself and I need her . when I was a kid my parents cared for me too much like I am the centre of the universe but suddenly everything changed .. my mom had to travel for work so that she can send my dad a visa to travel for another country , why ? because my grandmother ( from my father's side ) wwantd to get back her damn house which she gave to dad ( I hate her ) .. on the other hand , my other grandmother and grandfather took care of me when I was 4 years because as I said my mom left me for 4 months . when my dad got the visa and I travelled with him to her place , I didn't get my happiness back , she and my dad were always busy and I spent most of my time with servants . My parents argued alot . I have always thought my mom is harmed emotionally by dad and his mother but maybe I was overestimating things , but I remember hating them and standing by my mother's side and crying with her , she was like trying to make me sympathize with her . My dad is a kind person but he haven't got what he deserved in life . He is harsh sometimes but now I can see the wounded child inside him . I grew up needing love from others and trying to get their approval especially girls , maybe I felt that I am guilty and I don't deserve love because I was left for four months and because I didn't protect my mom . Things got worse when my sister was born in the same year , I felt neglected and unwanted . Manytimes until now I feel that my dad loves her more than me and not fair . Here is an example for my need for love , in kindergarten I always tried to look strong and I was narcissistic . I told a girl without any introductions that I love her but I didn't . I needed her . She got angry and walked away . Through my life I suffered from ocd , female domination porn addiction foot fetish and many other bad things . My dad loved me conditionally , he put great pressure on me in school . When ever I lose half mark he neglects me for days even if I studied well . But when I get full marks he praises me for a while , buys me what I want and and that's it . When I started studying by myself , all these patterns started to appear . I hate myself when I fail . And when I gain something , I say that I am lucky or praise myself for a while and get back into depression . My social life : I seek relationships where I am always the weak one trying to satisfy others . Right now in university I ignored girls that wanted me for girls who don't give a damn about me . I suffer from low self esteem because I am average looking . I always wanted to be someone else by imitating them . I am lonely , I don't know how to interact with men because my dad always stayed at home while I went with mom and her FEMALE friends . I am so so depressed crying deeply . I am fighting sexual masochism because I believe it has nothing to do with variety . It's all about punishment and self hatred . Even if you enjoy it , it's all about searching unconsciously for mercy because the inner child thinks he or she is guilty . I raised my awareness about these acts but I reached a point where I can't fight alone anymore . I am afraid of loneliness and I am acting like a child among adults . Believe I am feeling unworthy . Please please I need help . I can't afford a therapist . And the the one in my college couldn't help me . I can't love myself . Sorry for this long story but I had to .

[here today]

Sorry you're having a bad time. Unfortunately this site can't substitute for therapy. I've been in and out for 50 years. Sometimes good therapy is hard to find, though. Maybe your life will turn around anyway? Wish I had more to offer. . .