[anna_goth27]

So, the question is pretty self-explanatory. I feel more confused than ever about what person I am or I am supposed to be. Its kinda silly actually, because I feel like at 27 I shouldn't still be having to ask myself this question.

I guess the truth is, for a while now I've been thinking about this, but the recent arguments with my co-worker and all have pushed me deeper into this self-loathing and self-doubt.

She insists (or tries to insinuate) that I am a bad person. That all my "niceness" is just fake because there is no way anyone can ever be that nice, and that my actions have finally proved it to her. Everything that came out of her mouth seems to contradict this image I had of myself. I never thought I was perfect, but I never saw myself as a bad person either. I don't feel like I am a bad person. At the most yes I will admit, I can be selfish, I also posses very little common sense, I get nervous easily (and therefore constantly find myself in situations I could've avoided had I put some thought into it first), but NEVER have I ever felt I was a bad person because I've never done things with bad intentions, or followed a hidden agenda as she says.

I am insecure and alot of the mistakes I make are hard for me to remedy the way most people would. I have alot of regrets, but they are all "I wish I had stopped before I did..." or "I wish I had thought things through before I said...", but the last thing in my mind has always been for an innocent person to get hurt in the process. I long for acceptance and I always feel like I need to prove myself. No one ever thinks I can do anything right or achieve much. And in all honesty I find it really hard to find any type of redeeming quality or talent that I posses that I can be proud of or find myself being at peace or happy with.

I guess this is more a question I should be asking a professional, but I just wanted to see what kind of input I could get from you guys.

[isntlifewonderful]

First of, she seems like a *****. She's trying to make you feel bad and she's probably intimidated by how nice you are. Even if you are just nice because you need people to like you, who cares? Being nice makes other people feel good and that's beautiful.
As for who you are, I can't really say much as I don't know you. But I believe a person is who they are among the ones they love the most, they are the music and books they love, they are their passions.
I do believe you should talk to a therapist and not just ignore the self esteem issues you have.
I hope it works out for you!

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[Hong Kong Fluey]

I had no idea at 21.

I had no idea at 31.

I have no idea at 41.

BTW, if you find me somewhere, can you let me know?

[anna_goth27]

Originally Posted by isntlifewonderful

First of, she seems like a *****. She's trying to make you feel bad and she's probably intimidated by how nice you are. Even if you are just nice because you need people to like you, who cares? Being nice makes other people feel good and that's beautiful.
As for who you are, I can't really say much as I don't know you. But I believe a person is who they are among the ones they love the most, they are the music and books they love, they are their passions.
I do believe you should talk to a therapist and not just ignore the self esteem issues you have.
I hope it works out for you!

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Thank you. Ive been considering it alot but I am afraid of letting my family know or having them find out if I do it without telling them. Mostly out of self-conciousness. But yes, I guess I do go out of my way sometimes to make people like me, and actually it most of the time makes me feel good. I wouldnt consider myself a saint or define myself as good overall, but as I said before I dont think of my self as a bad person either. I got my quirks and flaws just like everyone else.


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[yumi]

I don't understand how people can say being nice or loving is fake or a lie. I am genuinely a good person, but I'm cursed with mental illness as well. It kills me when people assume I am 100% bad, when I know I am not. I'm not given credit for what's in my heart or the good that I do, because their focus always , always, always seem to remain on the bad. There's no way to defend against that.

[yumi]

If you can, I would avoid the co-worker as much as possible. She isn't worth even proving yourself to anymore by insinuating such a huge overall assumption about you. People like this seem to feed off other peoples misery and add to it, yet these are the same people who refuse to even acknowledge or examine their own faults. Its this kind of judgement that blows me away. God is the only one with the right to judge. I'm not sure why people give themselves this glorified assumption that they can judge. We all are not perfect, we all don't sin the same. So why do people feel they need to judge in such a black and white manner? I don't understand that. I do know this world is void of love for each other as well as a lack of tolerence for each others differences. Man, if you don't fit in with the viewpoint to what is considered to be textbook normal, there really is not a chance is there?
Hang in there. You're not alone.

[LaborIntensive]

Here is a discussion on the consciousness with a doctor.

Part 1:

Part 2:

[Gillian515]

I am right there with you...if you figure it out, please let me know.