[riverestelle]

I don't know how to start this. I guess I'll just, explain the situation I was in before the most recent situation sent me spiraling downwards. Warning, it's longer than I expected.

I have two incredible best friends. We'll call them... C and J. Okay, now, I've known J for a long time, 4 years, and he's always helped me out and we've always been there for each other. He's got a lot of issues, some of them including BPD, ASPD, and Schizophrenia. I didn't know about any of these three until recently.

C is J's boyfriend, and, we've only know each other for the span of time C and J have known each other. C and I hit it off rapidly, and we've been best friends since. He means a lot to me. He's gone through a lot, and he's a really, really great person. He deserves all the good things that come to him and I wouldn't trade his happiness for the world.

Now, C and J have always had a lot of problems. J was intimidating to C, and from an early point J had problems with manipulation, even if it was unintentional. After a while, C came to me and told me he felt like he was being abused. I didn't believe him, because J is my close friend and I would never know him to abuse someone. However, after talking and seeing how he felt, I realized C was being abused. We confronted J and we talked a lot and it was tough.

I guess, we were all really determined to fix things, and I always felt like I was on C's side and I felt as if I had to protect and defend him. I took an aggressive stance, and in doing so, I overlooked J's problems. For a long time I convinced myself that it wasn't okay for him to feel the way he felt sometimes. And I won't get into details, that's very private. However, I just, consistently walked all over his feelings and emotions and I silenced him frequently. I didn't realize I was doing so, I was completely unaware of what I was doing because none of us recognized it either.

Now, I think this might be a good time to say that I've got HPD with comorbid NPD. Recently I have also come to terms with BPD. Frankly, I'm a self centered person who's extremely sensitive and emotional. I'm naiive and when I let myself believe one thing, I take a hold of it and run. I don't think things through and I sure as hell don't take into consideration the feelings of others. I have empathy issues, and so a lot of the time, I don't know how to relate to someone's emotions unless I have first hand experienced them. This gives me a power struggle between me and J. He had overwhelming emotions, and he would vent to me, but I would take it as... him trying to argue, or continue on a conflict and so I did the best thing I thought possible and I told C. I would show him things J said and I never realized it but I frequently twisted his words. I never interpreted things correctly with those two.

Recently, the two broke up. It was... devastating to all of us. We had a family dynamic and we all care about each other so much. My heart aches when I think about what I've done. I feel like a monster, I made J believe he was crazy, and I in turn made C think he was dwelling on things and bringing up the past when in fact he wasn't, he was experiencing the exact same emotions I have recently come in touch with. He was never trying to abuse him or manipulate him by bringing up his emotions and I was just, awful for ever thinking so. I would do things and then, not even realize I was doing them and so the cycle continued and I would deny my bad behaviour.

Last night they realized it, together. We were in a group chat, trying to help me figure out some stuff about BPD and, J was just, feeling like, almost a sense of accomplishment that I finally understood, after what I had done to him for so long. I can't express enough how genuinely sorry I am to them. I regret so many decisions and things would be a lot better had I just listened.

They both realized how much my actions had ruined, and how, after all this time, I really was the one at fault. Even though every time I told them I felt like it was my fault, they told me no, it was between them, and I didn't do anything wrong. I told them so many times that I felt at fault and I never knew why. I never figured it out, I never realized that even though my intentions were good, I broke the only good thing I've ever had going for me. They're the only people who have ever cared about me, they are the only people who have learned to put up with my ****, to tolerate me and a lot of my self-centeredness.

C is disgusted and appalled by the fact, he really can't believe I would ever do these things and I can't either. He knows I didn't do this intentionally but he's horribly mad at me. He's told me that he doesn't know if he can forgive me for what I did to them. And, rightfully so, honestly. But there's this part of me just, silently begging him to forgive me and give me another chance because I don't want to ever do that again, I don't want to hurt them again, I don't want to manipulate people. I want to be a good friend and it's so hard.

I don't know what to do anymore, I'm afraid that if I show up in their lives again that they'll just hate me and resent me for all that I did. I don't know how to regain their trust and (platonic) love. I don't know how to show them I'm not a bad person, I didn't ever mean for this to happen.

I need them to understand how I feel, I need them to understand how I felt as if I was doing the right thing and I don't know how to show them and show them the remorse I feel for my actions. I need to be forgiven, I can't lose them, I can't lose my family. At this point I'm so emotional and upset that I actually feel empty. I can't even cry anymore, I can't even get upset and angry with myself.

Last night, I deleted a lot of stuff, I deleted good memories and I took away all my comfort items because I don't deserve those things. I don't deserve to be happy after I took their happiness away. And I don't know what to do. I've never just, wanted to die so badly before even though I know with every ounce of me that I don't want to die, I just want things to be okay. I want my best friend back and I want him to forgive me. I just don't know what to do anymore.

I feel like a monster.

[kaliope]

so be careful to watch how much of your response to what has happened is part of your personality disorders. don't make it worse than it has to be. this is a giant learning experience for you. you screwed up bad but you sound genuinely remorseful for what you have done and it seems you have learned from this. express this to c, in an email if he wont let you talk to him, and give him time to forgive you. that is all you can do. there are consequences for your actions. you will know better next time. it seems you have learned a lot about yourself so I think you will be more careful in relationships in the future. I am sorry you had to learn in such a devastating manner. take care.

[riverestelle]

Yeah. This is a giant learning experience and I'm using it to the best of my ability. I have tried to express this to C, but currently he is hurt and angry and he's convinced himself that I only take what I want from others, as long as it makes me happy. This is far from the truth and I genuinely care about both of them. The hardest part is just, waiting.

[seraphic]

Waiting is hard, and it can be genuinely terrifying. One thing that I've come to learn recently is that even if you do care about someone in the most sincere way possible, that doesn't mean they are obligated to accept and reciprocate that.

I think the best thing to do is give them both space, and to be very careful about following their cues for what ways they want to continue your relationship with them (if at all). I know this is much, much easier for me to say than it is to hear, and I know that it hurts very, very much. But begging them for forgiveness and trying to prove your sincerity isn't going to help, and the best way to show them that you deserve forgiveness is by being the good friend you know you can be. That means listening to them, respecting their wishes, and trusting them to choose what is best for themselves. You can't make someone forgive you - all you can do understand what you did wrong and make sure not to repeat those mistakes.

I hope they do forgive you. Their forgiveness may be shaky and conditional, they may need time to process their anger and hurt before they want you back, they may choose not to forgive you at all. Even if they don't, I promise, life isn't over. There will always be tomorrow. Tomorrow can be better.

You're not a monster. I can tell you're remorseful, and I believe that you can be better than your bad actions. You said yourself that you wouldn't trade C's happiness for the world. Right now, as hard as it is, you have to trust that whatever choice he makes will be for his happiness.

Hugs. I hope things turn out well for you regardless of what happens.