[vladgudkov]

I don’t know what to categorize this under, also this is my first post.
I don’t believe I am a human being or like anyone else. I have no genuine emotions towards other and cannot even remember when the last time I felt genuine was. When I hear good news from someone I say that’s good but in my mind I just think nothing. Same goes for hearing any sort of bad news whether it’s my brother being hospitalized or some big world crisis, I respond by saying something average like it will be okay, but in reality I feel absolutely nothing. I’ve come to realize also that while I have a good family and am treated well, I do not actually love them or anyone. In one of my two past relationships that went on for a year and a half I kept saying I loved her but now I’ve realized I had no idea what I meant by that and that I had no emotions of anything what so ever. I have a few interests such as computer science, math, philosophy, and have always talked about having a career in those fields but now again in reality I feel absolutely nothing. Life just seems like a mission that I must solve all my problems like everyone else except with the plus that I feel nothing towards anything, no hate, no love, no shame, no gratitude, nothing at all. When I dumped my first ex-girlfriend and even though she treated me poorly I still felt I did not deserve her, so after that I got diagnosed with depression. After being depressed for months I saw doctors and got put on cipralex which made me feel nothing. Because back then I felt no geneuinity but at least I could cry or smile but on this medication I feel fully like nothing. Moreover I recently got put onto Dexedrine which makes me very hyper and goal oriented, and because I am on this “mission” of fixing every problem out there in my life, I just feel like a machine now. So here I am feeling absolutely nothing towards no one and the only feelings I have are of myself and specifically myself but not regarding others. I cannot care or even muster up to try to care for things like murder or my family or my friends. I’ve come to think nothing matters and at this point while I would never kill or hurt anyone because well that’s stupid and there’s consequences, in essence I don’t think killing people or hurting others is in itself wrong and it is just social constructs just like everything around me. So here I am feeling nothing that nothing matters, and everything is relative, working towards everything in my path like a machine with no breaks. I do not care genuinely or cannot even conceive what “genuine” means or what “love” or what “liking” something or someone means. I have no emotions and I don’t know what to do :/

[kaliope]

hi vladgudkov
maybe a few sessions with a counselor could help you sort out your thoughts. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome