[S3NTYN3L]

I should start by saying that I'm NOT very good at all when it comes to articulating my feelings so please have some patience with me and my responses...

I've known I've not felt 'normal' for the better part of the last decade or so.
Erratic, disjointed thoughts, memory loss, to the point of; I used to drive a big truck, I'd leave Indiana and 'come-to' in Wyoming, some 300 miles down the road.
Before I lost my last 'normal' job, (night shift in a medical implant machine shop, I would black out frequently. People would see me sitting there with my eyes open and, when asked a question, I would snap out of it.

I have a need for things to be in their exact correct place, properly organized, for ease of use latter. This would drive me nuts as NOT ONE would ever follow me in being respectful to the next shift employee to follow.

I've ALWAYS felt anger, to the point of rage at most things people find trivial.
The list goes on and on.

This last year has been especially hard.
Thoughts of death infest my head almost daily. To the point that I was Baker Acted in Fl and released about three weeks ago for attempting suicide.

My interpersonal skills just SUCK! I'm at a point in my life now that I can't even find a job that suits me because I'd be forced to either work in a public setting, (OUT OF THE QUESTION!), or work around more than five or so complete strangers. That's tolerable, but only until thy attempt to talk to me.
I don't bother applying to most jobs because, 1) I'm afraid to leave the house and deal with the public and ,2) I'm sick of looking like a freak dropping to tears and shaking in the corner in an attempt to get away from all the noise and people looking at me. Heck, I can even take my sunglasses off indoors anymore...

I tend to put people into two categories, my White or Black List.
Make the White List, and we're ok. Cross me, and you're now on the Black List
Make the Black and I want nothing to do with you at all.

Anywho, without rambling on and on and on, here's my short list of what I think is wrong with my head.

I've done what research I can online and found four conditions that best fit.
More or less in order from LONGEST symptoms to shortest (Longest being as far back as I can recall and shortest being since Jan 2014)
AvPD
OCPD
PDD (dysthymia)
BPD

My initial outpatient visit was yesterday.
Here's what they say without even so much as talking to me for more than two minutes, and I KNOW that these diagnoses are incorrect or, at the very least, incomplete:

Axis 1:
3004 Dysthymis Disorder
29633 Major Depressive Disorder, Recurrent, Sever, W/O Psychotic Features

Axis2:
30183 Borderline Personality Disorder

When I told the doctor that the Klonopin put me in the ER after only 1/2 mg, he went ahead and DOUBLED the med!!!???
The Celexa seems to be helping VERY well with the depression, but I'm not out of the woods yet. Not by a long shot...

I'm not one to be looking for labels to define me, I'm just wanting to find the proper therapy and, more importantly, find someone that specializes in treating people such as myself.

Lastly, it should be mentioned that, unless my wife finds a job in the next week or so, we'll be getting evicted. Us and our three cats. Again, needless to say, in my current condition, I'd just be making a fool of myself and wasting both my and the interviewers time by looking for work.

Is there any hope?

[kaliope]

there is always hope. you just have to keep looking in all the right places. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[S3NTYN3L]

Thanks for the reply and the welcome!