[heyitstaika]

Hello, I'm brand new to this forum and not sure if this is the right place to post, but I'm really in trouble internally and need some help figuring out how to handle it.

I'm a classical musician and freshman in college, and over the last 2 or 3 years, I've gradually become unattached to my friends and not wanting to make new ones either. I've got one best friend who is also a musician and she is the only one I can enjoy spending time with. A few others who are also musicians can be okay too. With any others, its like a double edged sword-- I don't want to spend time with them, but if I don't I feel bad and like they don't deserve to be ignored the way I ignore them. Usually, I decide to hang out with them anyway leaving me feeling angry and sad that I could have been spending my time doing something else on my own, usually practicing my instrument.

I am not sad to be alone nor do I feel insecure and want to spend time alone because of that. I just like to be alone and with my parents. I'm 18 and probably the only girl that can say I would rather be spending time with my parents than with my friends. So basically, I don't want to change how I feel, I just want to fix it. This is my life and I should be able to live it the way I want without feeling guilty or like I am hurting the people that care about me so much still. Another thing is that in order to win an orchestral job, I don't really have time for friends. I understand that might be unhealthy, but us musicians will do ANYTHING to get a job.

I do enjoy spending time with other musicians because we can practice together, and I wouldn't at all consider myself antisocial. But when people start making plans outside of the music world, that is when the anxiety kicks in.

I'm not sure how to handle any of this, so any advice would be great!

If you have any other questions about my feelings, I'm happy to answer them if I can.

Thank you.

[sideblinded]

Hi heyitstaika

First Welcome to PC!

You might want to come over to the New Introductions forum and say hello so we can formally welcome you. It isn't mandatory but it is only suggested.

New Member Introductions - Forums at Psych Central

You are still young so I think the fact that you have aspirations is a great thing. When I was your age, I was just starting to get aspirations. Maybe you are way ahead of many others in that regard. I say work for your dream and don't give up. The rest will come in time. Many parents would love to have their 18 year old want to be with them! Pat yourself on the back that you have that kind of relationship with them. I think you are A-OK in my book.