[insertname]

It doesn't seem to be one of the subforums here but I was wondering if anyone has OCPD and could tell me about it? I don't think my personality is extreme enough to have it (sorry if that was offensive, I couldn't think of another term), but I was reading about it and thought 'Oh this kind of explains me to some extent...'

I'm very untidy, so it's not that kind of thing, but my need for control has been alarming in the past and still somewhat bothers me. It used to be anorexia+workaholism and when I was a teenager ABSOLUTELY NO delegation of anything to anyone (because they will **** it up). I used to work 16 hours a day and kept to a tight schedule I had written down - it basically told me what to do every 15 minutes. Originally I was very high achieving but I collapsed with exhaustion when I was 20 (now 28) and never really came back from that, but I find that I am constantly trying to be perfect and failure is horrendous to me. I feel less anxious when I am making schedules etc. but to me this is about escape rather than anything else. It's like, I'm not satisfied with the way things are, but I am proving to myself that I am doing something about it - I am taking action.

It's like:
'Once I've achieved this I will be safe'

I also have to be in control of my emotions and I get very distressed if I do not manage my emotions correctly (ultimate failure).

I also have the hoarding thing, but the reason I don't throw things away is because I think maybe they will be useful in the future, even if they are stupid things or things I forgot I even had and which I haven't used for a decade or more. It's not sentimental value. Nothing I own really has sentimental value to me except the folders I keep of all my notes from uni. I have trouble spending money on myself too because I feel it is a waste, even though I am on quite a large wage, so I tend to wear hand-me-down clothes and I still wear clothes I had as a teenager. I look pretty scruffy if I'm honest.

[kaliope]

i once knew the answer to this.....lol...........now i cant remember it clearly to explain it.

ocpd the obsessions and compulsions dont take place. everything you do makes sense to you. it is just part of the ritual of how things work. it isnt really distressing. it is a lifestyle you accepted. it is just how things work. it isnt a bother or inconvenience like these thoughts and rituals are to an ocd. it doesnt disrupt life because it is part of life. part of your personality.

[insertname]

Originally Posted by kaliope

i once knew the answer to this.....lol...........now i cant remember it clearly to explain it.

ocpd the obsessions and compulsions dont take place. everything you do makes sense to you. it is just part of the ritual of how things work. it isnt really distressing. it is a lifestyle you accepted. it is just how things work. it isnt a bother or inconvenience like these thoughts and rituals are to an ocd. it doesnt disrupt life because it is part of life. part of your personality.

Yeah...that's kind of what I'm thinking I don't mind the work and the perfectionism, although my therapist told me to slow down. What I mind more right now is that I keep doing things I don't expect myself to do. Like I'm focused on achievement, and then all of a sudden I'm kissing someone I feel ambivalent about and then I'm inviting him around, but then I think I want him to decline so I don't have to because I'd rather we were friends, and then I don't know.

It's like so long as I'm focused on work I'm ok, but when relationships with others come in I don't know. If I could just focus on wrk and no one was involved I'd be fine, I think, but people keep turning up in my life and I don't know how I feel about them.