Everything is complicated and I don't what's wrong with me. Help!!!

I've been realizing some odd things about myself.
1. I'm a very nonchalant person. It takes too much energy to even care about things that I actually should care about, and would seem inappropriate if I didn't care. I feel hopeless, have episodes of intense sadness and thoughts of death/suicide. I have self harmed before, without the intent of suicide, but I haven't in a few months. I feel myself getting more and more cold emotionally as time goes by. I have no passions, goals, aspirations and view life as pretty pointless. My position on suicide currently is 'eh, maybe, maybe not'. The only thing really preventing me is countless "what if's" and the fact that my family will be hurt despite me not benefiting their lives in anyway. I just haven't been caring about anything at all. Everything is temporary and meaningless anyway.

2. This has to be the most worrying one for me, believe it or not. I feel repulsed at the thought of anything impersonal. Anytime the thought of something 'romantic' or 'sexual' enters my mind, I think of the fact that other people experience love/romance/sex too and I get completely turned off. Not in the sense of disliking the thought of people having sex, but an extreme distaste at the fact that these experiences aren't exclusive to me. I don't know what it is. It's like I fee like I'm being used, but worse, despite me not having any issues with the idea of casual sex in general. [E.g. if i read something romantic where I have to/should imagine the moment happening to me, i feel very uncomfortable and disturbed. I know there are other people reading and are doing the same thing.] I call it extreme selfishness. The thought that I'm not being worshiped, the complete apple of somebody's eye, that they could possibly love someone else, be devoted to someone else, be interested in someone else, attracted to someone else. It's repulsive and I feel very offended, just at the idea. I don't know if it's some case of needing absolute intimacy to be even remotely satisfied in a relationship or extreme distrust in people or what. I have never been in a relationship before and that's because they require effort and I don't desire 'romance' or whatever it is that makes people want a relationship in the first place. With that being said, I'm not sure if it's my lack of personal experience that's making these feelings of distaste so intense for me. Again, everything is temporary. Maybe it's because I strongly believe that it won't last anyway and they'll be off having the same attraction to someone else in a matter of time. I'm almost soothed at the idea of soulmates. Almost. Because it's something inevitably permanent. Two souls belonging to each other. There is no way you can look at someone else with the same spark in your eye as you do me. No way in hell. Then suddenly, everything is meaningful and permanent and intimate and the kind of love that I idealize, but this isn't realistic. So I'm zapped back in the slump I started in. Maybe that's what i hate. Impermanence. I don't know, I'm just thinking out loud.

3. I'm very irritable, frustrated and restless. I feel like I can't relax. Overall, I'm just not pleased. I feel the need to be productive, but whenever I have things going on I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. All of this is wrapped up in a ball of hopelessness, as previously mentioned.

4. My personality isn't ...stable? It fluctuates with who I'm with. It comes from me wanting to be the best friend I can be for that person. Or what I think a person need from my presence right now. I don't have a strong sense of self. Like i have beliefs and standards and all of that but nothing that makes me feel whole. To say that i have 'x' personality. Personality based questions frustrate me because I could never pick just one. I'm all of it. I'm very indecisive. I could never make decisions for myself and when I do, I always feel like I've made the wrong choice, honestly. Despite that, I hate being told what to do, it makes me feel inferior. I want to make my own decisions, but can't and feel personally offended or slighted whenever someone makes them for me.

5. I feel slighted very often. I always feel like I'm being belittled or patronized. Like I'm a burden or somebody's child. It's difficult for me to brush these feelings off and if I don't address it at the very least, I feel like crap the rest of the day. I beat myself up very often about not addressing things that I think I should. I can't brush off random criticism from people that I know don't know me. I'm a very self critical person so I'm always asking myself what I did to get that reaction, and see if it's something I can change. This is something I've been doing for a very long time: analyzing my own personality patterns vs. someone else's and try to change myself or somehow adapt a desired quality that I think I lack because of someone's criticism or random, nonsensical disrespect. I'm impulsive but slow moving in external reaction, this results in me very often feeling disrespected (which makes me feel like crap) and not doing anything about it (which makes me feel so horrible, i almost want to cry at the thought that some may get the impression that i'm a pushover and could get away with disrespecting me).

These might be linked with each other just as well as they might not. I just need someone to give me some insight on what's going on. What is it that I'm feeling.It doesn;t have to be your overall opinion. You can respond point-by-point. Just respond. I feel like garbage very often, but I don't have low self esteem. What is wrong with me. Why is every mental/emotional experience I have so intense and contradictory and complicated. I feel like screaming.

From what I'm reading, it sounds like you might be trying to discover yourself, your self, or what makes you, you. You want to be unique (#2). You want to be amazing (#5). You want to have friends (#4). You want things to be very precise (#3). You have brilliant plans but lack the motivation to see them through (#1, #3). It sounds like extreme perfectionism, maybe even narcissism.

Again, just based on what I'm reading (because nothing is ever misinterpreted on the Internet).

If you like journaling (or even just like lists), write down everything that is absolutely fundamental to you. "I believe X, Y, Z." Write down everything to how you think your socks should be arranged to everything political, religious, ethical, etc. Write down why you believe what you do and how it affects you. If you have no opinion on something or variable opinions, consider why you have no opinion or every opinion. What influences how you feel about something at a given moment? How do you feel about those influences acting on you?

If you're not one for journaling, maybe at least keep a log or record of emotions or interactions. What was the situation related to, what happened, and what was the result? Look for patterns that may emerge.