Odd Conversations

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone, and nothing really gets said, comments are made, it appears the other is upset for some reason, but you're left wondering why? The tone is "I'm angry/disappointed with you and want you to know it."

What's up with that? I've had at least one person call me "oblivious" as if that was some explanation of something.

Is it best to just avoid people who practice this? I just tell myself "there is no telling what's going on in that person's head."

It's as if the other wants me to think about what I may have done wrong, and try to figure out what's going on.

What would you do? My gut reaction is to just avoid that person. Life is too short.

In "stoic speak" my preferred indifference is that when people have a problem with me, they tell me what that problem is so we can work it out. If the other cannot do that, there is not much I can do about it, and it is probably in my best interest to stay away.

I suppose it's dependent on each situation. There's plenty of people out there that are conflict avoidant, difficult to avoid each and every person.
Sounds like you are struggling

I can see it playing out a few ways.

Me: are you upset with me?
Them: No, why would you feel that way?

Me: are you upset with me?
Them: Yes.

Me: are you upset with me?
Them: launches into conversation that is laden with innuendos, but still nothing specific.

Me: are you upset with me?
Them: <Derisive snort> What do you think?

Or perhaps should I just mention that I sense some tension between us? I suppose that might work.

The problem is that with the few people who really "let me have it", there never is any letup. It's like a continual nastiness projected towards me to such an extent that I can barely manage to get a word in edgewise. So, part of the game is to make it a matter of my having to react to their nastiness. I don't play that game.

If you've never experienced this and you have no idea what I'm talking about? Count yourself lucky.

People like this irritate me so I don't bother with them. Trying to guess what is going on is exhausting. I'd rather know what the problem is so I could try to fix it.

Do you know why it is hard for people to say what is on their mind?

I'm afraid that some people find it really difficult to express their needs. They'd rather manipulate others into doing what they want them to do.

Some people just need to be put into the position where they wonder "hmm, I wonder why shakespeare47 disappeared from my life?". I owe them nothing. My peace of mind is too valuable to me.

I'm starting to have a similar issue with someone at out local library. I think I'll make an effort to spend much less time speaking with her.

I can see it playing out a few other ways.

S47: Is there something on your mind?
Them: No, nothing, not really?
S47: Seems a little bit more than 'not really' what can I do to help?

S47: Is there something on your mind?
Them: Yes.
S47: Is it something I can help you with?

S47: Is there something on your mind?
Them: Well there could be, but I don't think you would understand.
S47: Try me, I am a better listener and more insightful than many give me credit for.

S47: Is there something on your mind?
Them: <Derisive snort> What do you think?
S47: Spit it out then.

My take on what you're describing is it's passive aggression. Which is out there - happening - in some places in a big, big way unfortunately.

Happily I am famous for my empathy, understanding and conciliatory nature so I can see it playing out in rather different ways.

MOCS: Come on, something is up, what?
Them: No, nothing, not really?
MOCS: Better nothing, now pack it in.

MOCS: Are you in a mood?
Them: Yes.
MOCS: Well get over it, I haven't got the bloody time.

MOCS: What is on yer mind?
Them: I don't think you would understand.
MOCS: You're right I wouldn't.

MOCS: Is there something on your mind?
Them: <Derisive snort> What do you think?
MOCS: Oh for Fock's sake.

You would be amazed at how badly Mrs MOCS reacts to conversations of this sort.

I just realized that I forgot to answer your question, "What would I do?"

You said it best: Life is too short. Either spill it or bullocks to them.

When people act that way, it's generally because they believe you have intentionally upset them, and that therefor you know full-well what they are upset about. Then they furthermore perceive it like, they are not going to put themselves through the indignation of explaining why they are upset, when they believe you did it on purpose and already know.

It comes off as a refusal to communicate. It's retaliatory, accusatory, and rude. If one is trying to get others to behave better (from their perspective at least), does it really make sense to respond in kind?

I'm not convinced that escalation (if that's what it truly is) is helpful.

I'm not saying that they're being strategic, but in way more cases than not, that has turned out to be what someone was really thinking/feeling behind such behavior.

And it does make sense. Most of the time, people are aware when they have done or said something that was provocative and/or hurtful, so most people reasonably have an expectation that others are self-aware and know when they do/say provocative or hurtful things.

However, this means that in the much rarer case of a person who genuinely struggles with social ques and cognitive empathy, they are probably going to be assumed to be malignant way more often than they are.

I find it difficult to accept that an unstated accusation (you did that on purpose) could ever be helpful. There are too many assumptions involved. For one, I'm asked to assume that everyone who acts this way (starting an "odd conversation") has this in mind. I've had people confront me angrily about things I have no knowledge of, for example. I still have not been able to find a way to get to the bottom of unstated issues (some of which are caused by nasty 3rd parties behind the scenes.). I'm sure we're all aware that some people are just better at dealing with life than others, for example, and when those people have a bad day, they take it out on whomever may be nearby.

I suppose the most rational thing to do is to keep watching those who react by using "odd conversations" and try to determine exactly what kind of people they are, in general. They may be given another chance if they prove to be generally reasonable.

But, getting back to the OP, I can't stop others from acting in the way I describe, but I don't have to take part in the exchange. If their intention was to make me decide to avoid them in the future, then they usually succeed.

Actually I have a hard time with social ques and cognitive empathy, and this has been my experience. That's why I see it the way I do, and also why I can relate to some of your thought processes. I recognize some of my own ways of thinking in yours.

For me it's because I grew with an alcoholic AsPD father, and a BPD mother. Nothing, and I mean nothing, ever made sense when it came to expressing and communicating in our household. They rarely said what they meant, up was down and left was right, tons of passive-aggressiveness and manipulation, etc.

I never learned how to properly navigate normal communication and interaction, nor to just trust that what people say is what they mean. To me social interaction is like the Twilight Zone half the time. It gives me disassociation problems at its worst.

But before I put these puzzle pieces together, I saw almost everyone as being highly unpredictable and irrational. And it sucked.

It just reminds me of this (specifically starting at about 1:30). Sometimes it takes a while to untangle the specifics of a situation, if it's even possible at all.

Ha, yeah. But IME accepting that people are generally complex and cautious just makes things easier. I just accept that I'm not as intuitive as most people socially (like I suck at reading expressions and body language), and I try to be the one to take the leap.

Like in this example about the whole "they seem mad but they don't say why they're mad", I just figure it's a case of either

A. They're not actually mad and I'm interpreting it wrong.
B. I did something that upset them, and they think I know it, so I have to express that I don't actually know but that I want to know.
C. They're mad, but it has nothing to do with me, personally. They seem mad because they are mad, but they're not mad at me, specifically.

I'm still getting the hang of pinning down which of those 3 it is in any given situation. And of course I pick and choose when it's worth it to me to express option B. Like, if it's someone working in the grocery store, I don't really care. If it's a close friend, I'm willing to go out on a limb and let them know that I'm worried that they're pissed at me but I don't know why.

Sounds very reasonable. I can relate.