[defyinggravity65]

Sorry for all the posts lately. I have a lot of feelings
One thing I've been feeling a lot lately is that there's two sides of me. I'm aware of both parts and each part equally hates the other part. The first part of me is extremely nervous, insecure, perfectionist but not good enough, and makes me feel really uncomfortable in my own skin. The second part is an act I put on because I don't want others to see the first part. I act as much as possible lIke I'm normal with no crazy negative emotions running rampant. I feel "fake" a lot of the time when talking to people, and I feel fake even when I smile. Because I am not a happy person. This second part of me also exaggerates my accomplishments and wants to put on a perfect picture for others to meet both their expectations and falsely meet my own. This results in depression because the real me will never become the ideal me.
Does anyone else feel like there are two parts of themselves? Or anything even remotely similar to this? And how do you deal?

[mindwrench]

I can relate to aspects of what you describe. Usually when a business contact or other person asks me how I am doing. "Not bad", or "pretty good" is my go to response. Inside I'm thinking "I'm hanging on but really need to go dry heave behind that bush, and is it hot out or are you having hot flashes too?".

[here today]

Originally Posted by defyinggravity65

Sorry for all the posts lately. I have a lot of feelings
One thing I've been feeling a lot lately is that there's two sides of me. I'm aware of both parts and each part equally hates the other part. The first part of me is extremely nervous, insecure, perfectionist but not good enough, and makes me feel really uncomfortable in my own skin. The second part is an act I put on because I don't want others to see the first part. I act as much as possible lIke I'm normal with no crazy negative emotions running rampant. I feel "fake" a lot of the time when talking to people, and I feel fake even when I smile. Because I am not a happy person. This second part of me also exaggerates my accomplishments and wants to put on a perfect picture for others to meet both their expectations and falsely meet my own. This results in depression because the real me will never become the ideal me.
Does anyone else feel like there are two parts of themselves? Or anything even remotely similar to this? And how do you deal?

I absolutely can relate to this. It's very hard when you don't feel good enough and it's hard to ever learn how to feel good enough when there's not a group of people you are good enough FOR. I had a very perfectionistic family and that got ingrained.

Support groups IRL and online have helped some. Plus being aware of my parts and their feelings (as much as I could stand it, sometimes) and finally finding a way to accept the unacceptable parts/feelings/impulses. Mindfulness meditation helps some with that.

[horsin-around]

I can totally relate to what you say. Like you, the only part of me that I let people see is fake. I'm always the one making jokes and laughing, I sound like a very optimistic person to everyone around me. But in reality, I spend most of my nights smoking weed and calling myself miserable.
I act this way so no one will ever think something is wrong with me, or that I'm "weird".

I think we should try to make the fake part of ourselves real. Pretend it's really who you are Fake it until you become it

[defyinggravity65]

Originally Posted by horsin-around

I can totally relate to what you say. Like you, the only part of me that I let people see is fake. I'm always the one making jokes and laughing, I sound like a very optimistic person to everyone around me. But in reality, I spend most of my nights smoking weed and calling myself miserable.
I act this way so no one will ever think something is wrong with me, or that I'm "weird".

I think we should try to make the fake part of ourselves real. Pretend it's really who you are Fake it until you become it

That's totally true! I'm glad I'm not alone in the feeling

Its funny that I was actually thinking the opposite! I would like to allow myself to be vulnerable and honest about myself more so that I'm more motigated to truly be the person I want to be

[defyinggravity65]

Originally Posted by here today

I absolutely can relate to this. It's very hard when you don't feel good enough and it's hard to ever learn how to feel good enough when there's not a group of people you are good enough FOR. I had a very perfectionistic family and that got ingrained.

Support groups IRL and online have helped some. Plus being aware of my parts and their feelings (as much as I could stand it, sometimes) and finally finding a way to accept the unacceptable parts/feelings/impulses. Mindfulness meditation helps some with that.

I agree with being aware of all the parts of you is important! Also your point about self acceptance is brilliant. Sounds like you are on the right track!