[nkabsfh]

Hello everyone! I'm new here and looking to the community for some advice on how to handle/cope with a very difficult situation in my life. I'll begin by saying that I am seeing a therapist - have been for about a year - and she is tremendously helpful, but I am also desperate for some wise words from unbiased, uninvolved parties.

I am a 26-year-old living with a loving boyfriend and working a good job. If it wasn't for my parents' problems, life would be fairly normal....life would be good. But my dad has multiple sclerosis, and at age 69, his condition is worsening faster and faster. Walking is an enormous challenge and day-to-day life - getting dressed, cooking anything in the kitchen, etc. - is difficult. Once again, I believe that his health would be a problem that we could successfully deal with while still having a fairly normal, happy life, if it wasn't for my mom. I live about an hour away from them and try to help as much as I can.

My mom is the main problem. It's difficult to explain the tremendous depth of my issues with her without posting a novel here, so I'll try to summarize briefly by saying that she's been controlling, manipulative and cruel whenever things don't suit her for about ten years. The classic "toxic mother" with what I've always believed is borderline personality disorder with a touch of narcissistic personality disorder. She's become even worse as my dad's health dimishes, and her own mother (my grandmother) is in a nursing home with dementia. Yes, she has many burdens to bear and I feel bad for her care responsibilities, but instead of lovingly accepting help, she uses her role as a "martyr" as an excuse to be manipulative and verbally abusive to me almost all the time now.

The worst part, though, is that she's not only verbally abusive to my sick father (she is ten times more cruel and demanding to him as she is to me), but has also become physically abusive. She slaps him, hits him, throws things at him, and scratches his face. He tells me these things but has always been afraid to take legal action and begs me to not take action either. I've tried over the last couple years to overlook the knowledge of such abuse when I'm with her, but it's become too much to ignore. Her hatred for him (because he's sick) has overtaken her...I don't believe he's safe and I'm confident that she doesn't have it in her to care for him. They have unbelievably bad arguments almost every day and cops have been called multiple times. He needs TLC, a safe home environment and positive words, not constant verbal and physical abuse. I've begged him to go live with his brother, who's offered up his guest house a permanent home for my dad. I know his brother would care for him and keep him encouraged, but my dad is still reluctant to leave my mom because he's scared of her reaction, scared of being alone and scared of a new life.

I've recently tried to put my foot down in demanding that things change. For years, my mom has called me during their arguments only to make me listen to them screaming, or she's called me afterward to tell me what a horrible person my father is. I told her a couple weeks ago that I wasn't going to put up with it anymore - no more involvement in their arguments, no more calling her five times a day so she won't be mad at me, and no more pretending that she doesn't abuse my dad - and that if she couldn't accept the terms, we couldn't talk. She's not tried to contact me since, and my dad said she's taken every picture of me off the walls and constantly berates me as a person to him.

The real challenge is that I want and need to cut her out of my life as long as she continues this behavior, but i also want and need to look after my ailing father who won't leave her. I'm also trying to call the nursing home to check on my grandmother since I no longer receive daily updates from my mom, but it's much more difficult to stay connected. By cutting my mom out of my life, I'm also somewhat cutting out my father and grandmother, but I know I need to take a stand against her. She cannot be reasoned with no matter how calmly I try to talk to her.

My mind is consumed with these problems constantly. My family is in a crisis 24/7, I can't sleep, I can't eat and I'm not performing as well at work. There has to be some resolution to the problem but I don't see an end in sight. Can anyone offer some insight as to how I can still manage to be a supportive daughter to my father (whether or not he eventually decides to leave her) while still protecting myself from her abuse? And can anyone offer advice as to how I can move forward with my own life that I want to build for myself (separate from their problems) while not abandoning them altogether? Thanks to everyone for your help.

[FooZe]

Hi nkabsfh, welcome to Psych Central!

I'm sorry all that is happening in your family. It sounds as if you won't be able to count on much cooperation from your mother anytime soon so you'll need to work around her. I don't know much myself about what kind of help is out there for your father but when I Google on [elder abuse] I get lots of hits that sound promising.

Good luck, and I hope others here will have more to tell you.