[SpoiledSpaghetti]

Hello, I have several questions regarding myself and in the case if anybody has/is gone/going through the same, perhaps lay forth your own experience.


Wall of text incoming.

I am a 21 year old male, and I am currently studying law. It's come to my attention that I possess traits found in different kinds of disorders, so I've no idea in which thread to post. Excuse me if I'm posting in the wrong, this is my first time approaching something like this.

On to myself, then. As a child, I was happy. I had friends, I had a loving family. I was punished when I had to be punished, I did my chores and did a mediocre job at school. As I engaged my early teens (13-15), my family turned more strict and violent towards me. My father regulary beat and abuse me on a verbal level (nothing sexual), whilst my mother stood back and watched. This came upon when my father began drinking more than usual (almost daily) and I brought home bad grades, or spent too much time playing videogames. I chalked it off to alcohol, and I never felt emotionally damaged even when he beat me.

Consecutively, I did better at school because I didn't quite enjoy the prospect of being punched in the face when I bring home bad grades. However, for some reason I also began distancing myself from my friends. Systematically, thourought the course of a few months, I no longer had any friends. Not one. Which was bothering me, because I didn't understand what had changed. I consider myself a decently looking guy, I played sports at the time and I was up to date with videogames and everything, but I never could find common ground with anybody. People didn't seem like people, more like husks going through pointless rudimentary lives. I realized my life is no different, thus I entered a state of depression. I wasn't content with having no friends, not liking people and having a regular life and working for my food and water for the rest of it.

Mid to late teens, some things changed. I forged myself a mask. Not a real mask, not a weirdo. But a figurative mask. I learned to smile and act nice for people, to talk with girls and create friends. And from then on up until now, I have been faced with the same problem:

Every single relationship/friendship that I build, I fail to keep. For example, I will get into a relationship with a smart, beautiful girl my age. But then in a week, a month later I will completely lose interest in her once I've gotten to know her and the novely of getting to know her has worn off. Rinse and repeat, for me this keeps happening over and over. I lose interest in people at an accelerated rate, and I keep jumping from girl to girl, or friend to friend, and I don't even feel guilty about it, I only grow more and more enfuriated with myself. My other problem is, I don't even know who I am anymore. That mask has become a part of my life; I try to be nice and kind, but the other side of me doesn't like people and doesn't find any common ground with them.

I want to meet someone, marry and create a family. On the other hand, I know I will get tired and bored of her and require something new.

I've never been to a therapist IRL, or spoken about this to anybody in general. This is a first time I'm sharing, and I've decided to get opinions here because I feel a sense of anonimity.

So, what should I do?

I don't know.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Spaghetti: Since this is your first post here on PC... welcome to PsychCentral! I'm sorry I cannot be of much help with regard to your concerns. As you probably realize, we here on PC cannot diagnose you. This is a job for a mental health professional. Quite a bit of what you wrote is familiar to me. However, like you, I also have no diagnosis, although in my case I've been rattling around the mental health system where I live for the past 20 years or so. (So even if one sees mental health professionals, one doesn't always get a clear diagnosis.) Seeing one though is the only way to potentially get a clear picture with regard to what's going on with you.

It is possible other members here on PC may have some similar experiences they can relate. And reading about their experiences may help you to begin to get a feel for what it is you're experiencing. There is a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other members in real time (once your 1st 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

It's good to meet you.

[here today]

The experiences you describe in your family can affect how you feel and act in other social situations as well, as I understand it.

But I have found in 55 years of therapy, off and on, that many therapists haven't a clue how to help -- though they think they may because they have been trained and licensed.

You could try one -- the primary thing to focus on at first might be the "trauma" as they call it from your family experience in your early teens. That may be all you need to resolve some stuff internally and have a life more like one you want. But, even then, finding a good trauma therapist can be a process. There are some other forums on PsychCentral dealing with PTSD and Survivors of Abuse that you might want to look at and/or post in. I kinda hate the "abuse" thing because even though I got hurt and my parents were far from perfect, "blaming" them doesn't seem to do me much good. Understanding how I got hurt, though -- that was a tough thing to try to unearth and "feel" so that I could be more fully myself, have more choices about the ways I react, and move on.

Best of luck to you!!