Got to watch the quiet ones

My apologies for saying
That your mum
Had never worked
A day in her life.
Even if you and dunderhead
Took the mick
Out of my work.

After juggling sugar cubes
I realised that
Blood, tears & cold
Still is never enough
To fix a broken spirit.

Everyone needs a friend
Like Sarah
I remember she
Got a bit of stick
As a youngster
Sone kid said
Her hair looked like a nest
And she went off crying
Saying no one loves me
Only as an adult
After my own problems
That I realised
She was quite brave
Crying with temper
Not hurt she said.

Good job I never went to Sweden
Against the big guns
Did you have to rub
More salt into the wound
I know I was beaten
Fair and square
Wee hoosey. Flaw. Bakers.
I don't think I could
Have found the money
To travel all over, anyway
It wasn't a wasted trip
If I can take anything
It would be how in love
This couple were
Singing along to Bob Marley
All these countries
And cultures together
Bonding over good food
Peaceful reggae music

It was your 18th
The bottle of sourz
Would have been enough.
Freds cousin put me
On a guilt trip
So I put the dvd in
As an after thought
I just liked the title.
That band was
Part of the soundtrack
To our disappearing youth.

You cannot kick me off
I have no body
Made of skin & bone
So you won't have
To feed me
I can catch fish
Because they won't see me coming
Sail on the Danube
To Berlin
Kick big bird off
She scares me

I thought it was
Somebody else typing
The out put was faster
Some wine for you
Seen the light
Seen my nipple ring
Right in night club
Marilyn moment in
Hypnotic carpets
If tom n jerry can do it
I most definitely can do it
Away with the fairies
Seven fold

Juggling while in goals
I feel like such a loser
For doing it now
But mope a dope
Said I was
A closed book at times
And was secretive.
I lied about
Meeting my friend
When I was seeing
An older guy
And the nosey Parker
Found out like
He always did
And he had the nerve
To call his "students" fish wives.

But the person
Who gave me tips
On juggling said to me
Don't you have a dream?
You have to have a dream.
And without this
Frothing in my unconscious
I'm not sure
I could have stuck
At my mundane
Nine to five
Minimum wage job
Where I was
Treated with no respect
Because the Boss
Knew there were
Plenty of unskilled women
Needing a job
With full time hours
That could fill
My shoes in an instant.
Or so they thought.
A guy at skating shop
Said I should
Go back and keep teaching.
But the coach
Was never that taken
With me. He never
Understood me at all.
He said I was intelligent
But homed in
On my shaky confidence.
My team mates
Were strident and sure of themselves
Where I faltered.
I out grew the club
That's all there is to it.

My parents weren't much better.
They were so narrow minded
And sung the praises
Of louder people
Who had nothing to hide.
One minute they liked
My friend who was:
What you see is
What you get.
But then she
Got too promiscuous.
And they panicked
That I would be led astray.
They mocked me
When they found
I had printed out guitar charts
And juggling diagrams
I didn't let them deter me
I had found my conviction.
I bought a guitar
And I liked the juggling
It had a rhythm to it
Like dancing.

So I made a point
Of trying too hard
To become more outgoing.
Yet I played my music
At the bag circuit class
The bravery, stereophonic
And I doodled the
Names of all the
Hip hop, rnb n soul
I listened to
On my folders
When I was bored
I did not mind
Who read them.
I let people scroll
Through my zen micro
Or MP3 before that.
I told team mate
That I only looked
Up the lyrics
When I liked
A song and had
Listened to it
Loads of times
And couldn't make
Out some lyrics
And I usually liked
The feel of a song
Over the lyrics.
I read blues and soul and NME.

I told colleague
With the crucifix
That I stayed
At Freds house
At the weekends
Because when I
Was in between jobs
(I meant just out of hospital)
That I had to have
All the housework
Done by 12
And my mum
Would find one
Job I had forgotten
And down me
By saying I had
Barely scratched the surface.
They forced me
Down to the
Job centre before
I Was ready to collect
Job seekers allowance
Every two weeks.
I remember one
Advisor who also
Wore an oversized
Crucifix saying that
Her daughter had
Just left school
And was my age
And despite my
Baggy jeans and beanie hat
She said I should
Try the agency
She had applied to.
And I knew
I was not in the
Mindspace at that moment
In time to sit
At a desk job
In front of a computer.

I was so
Self conscious
Of the weight
I had put on
While in rehab
That I wore
Baggy jeans and
Was grungy with
A splash of colour
I had one friend who
Could afford to buy
Jeans from the skating
Shop and I looked up to her
More than being jealous.
I remember a team mate
Being complimented for
Their tomboy
Skate style jeans
And I had my slightly
Flared ordinary jeans
Because I read
In a magazine
That flares take
The attention away
From wide hips.
My step dad
Used to say jokes
And my mum Would
Say he would give
Me a complex
I didn't but
I was so conscious
When shopping
I could wear white
On top half
As it makes boobs
Look bigger as a
Friend commented when
They realised that
I "looked like I had
Something there" and
Should wear white on
Nights out more often
My coach laughed
At me when he saw
Me in a gypsy skirt
In a night club.
That was in fashion
At that time.
And a woman at
My sports class
Said he probably
Wasn't used to seeing
Me dressed up.
I couldn't wear
White jeans and
To be honest
I thought they
Were a slutty
But I wore see through tops
And tank tops
With see through
Lace on the back.
My friend said
I was more aware
Of my sexuality
And I loved
Wearing skinny jeans
I could live in jeans
My friend wore
Her little black dress
To work night out.
I never made pron
As I dropped out
But I hadn't
Wore a dress in years.
When I was out with Fred
In a dress
Some married man
From sports club
Went passed me drunk
And said "slapper"
I would not have
Cheated on Fred.
I remember going
Past the gym
In light blue
Wide cut jeans
And conscious
That they didn't sit
As long as
I would have wished
The tall was too long
And the regular
I just got away with
In time I just
Gave up on fashion
And wore what was comfy
Etnies skate shoes
Vans camouflage skate shoes
Black jeans green tshirt
A neutral fleece
Practical warm and comfy.
Seeing girls in leggings
With "camel toe"
When up the town
I was too out of shape
For figure hugging leggings.
At high school
We didn't tie
Our laces just
Tucked them in
And wore our
Black trousers slightly
Longer than needed
And they would
Get ripped at
Bottom hem from
Dragging on ground.
But this was
Better than having
A growth spurt
And ending up
With them too short

I could have
Got a job too
Swear! Yeah my neighbour
Worked at the cafe
On a Saturday.
But I knew
One of the young
Saturday girls was cool.
But the other
Was rumoured to
Be quite bi^chy
And they were friends
So chances were
I would be singled out.
I got a job
At a factory
When I dropped out.
I got the p^ss
Ripped out of me
And guys who
I knew were
Not on my wave length
Hit on me.
Goodbye.

I'm not getting
A Job in a poxy
Corner shop.
Well whats good
Enough for me
Is good enough for you
Beggars can't be choosers
You got the dunt
From Asda and
Nobody gets hoofed from there.

On the tip of my tongue
Was that it
Was her fricking fault.
All of Freds work
And the tradesman
Knew that one
Of the manager
Hated my mother.
So of course
Why would the others
Be cordial?
My mother never claimed
Job centre money
When she was
Off for months
Yet when I was
Ill and needing rest
I still had to
Face the humiliation
Of signing on.

I never put the bees
Through the letter box
And the cats neither
Just to clarify.

My hair was frizzy
From the rain
And she balls:
"You like you have just woke up!
And btw your good at blow jobs
Your use for something after all"
She nips my male coworkers bum
And he blushes crimson.

I didn't think I stood
A cat in hells chance
So I didn't straighten my locks
And left my thick unruly hair down.
Nobody gave me any support
Or advice before the interview.
And it was a great opportunity .
There was scope to move
From being the photocopier
To learning the business.
But I had zilch self-confidence now.
Nobody asked me what would I wear etc.
Had I prepared for questing. Nothing.
But my mum told me
After going for a receptionists job
That my grey top with a shirt collar
Would never do me any favours.
Was I sabotaging myself on purpose?
Her work mate said that
Why did a pretty young girl
Like me, find it so tough to get work.
I just wanted to find a corner and cry and disappear.

Your hair is always frizzy
Somebody has got new straighteners
Maybe I felt un noticed
Maybe It was tousled.
It wouldn't have been that bad.
I can do big hair and you can't.
Get on your bike and go fuk yourself.

My step dad explained
That his dad brought
Him up to not show emotions
And he couldn't join
The football team he wanted to
Because he was too
Self concious of his boots
As they were not
The tip top of the range.
Women aren't quite as obsessed
With labels as men traditionally.
But times are changing.

How is Grimsby?
I left the chemist
Without picking up my meds
And had to go back.
I had not been pally
With her since 2nd year.
But I he remembered
We trained together.
I had been disgraced.

I realise that my cousin
Is not just suffering from
"Spoilt brat syndrome"
Her feelings are valid.

When my gran passed away
Her brother announced
While walking to the pub
"Do you know what the bad
Thing about earning more money (than his sis)?
I have to buy the drinks
All the time.
None of us took him on.
That is his insecurity, big deal.
My cousins mum wasnt there
And I think she felt a bit lost
Without a wing woman.
Here is me complaining
About a push bike
And her brother went
To a school costing
Thousands a year where
She went to a normal
Comprehensive and if I remember
Rightly, she did just as well
In her A levels as her sibling
I said to my sis n law
Who loves animals
That my cousin has a horse
When at the tea's
But my cousin
Didn't want to brag
Like her brother did.
I was just trying to
To be nice and initiate conversation.
She didn't day much at all
For the duration of the day.
Drunk her sourz and lemonade
And asked about
Our little Archie.
I told my mum that
Calving Harris was a trolley boy.

My pal who went
Ice skating with me
Said I was competitive
And said she liked my Etnies
I succeeded at looking cool
Every now and then. Just banter.
She said she envisioned
Me with a bright orange
Souped up car
And I laughed saying
I like the burnt orange colour!

Boys are stupid
Throw rocks at them
I am sorry
That trampoline joke
Was bang out of order.
Even if I thought
That was your orientation.
It was to do with
You being George
At the weekend
And having your bits
Stored and pickled in a jar.
I was an as^hole
I was worse than Lip
From shameless
As a teen. Hardly
Any wonder I got
A slap here or there.
But you had lied
About the babysitter.
And my family and neighbours
Were homophobic so
I honestly thought
It was impossible for me
To be attracted to someone
Who wasn't male.
I didn't actually think
That you were gay.
At the time.
It was just the t-shirt.
I was out of touch
With feelings, my own and others.
I survived by numbing my emotions
And making jokes.
I am really sorry.

Ammendment: I was a clown. If I took what everyone said about me seriously and didn't laugh, I would have been six feet under. They say that an overdose is normally a cry for help and a painful way to go as your organs shut down one by one. I did want an escape. I wanted to escape Fred. Change is so gradual I have learned that you don't even notice until something stark jumps out at you or someone says hey "you don't walk with your head down anymore"

So my step dad
Begrudgingly put up
Dart board on the back
Of the coat closets door.
Maybe what he said
When he was drunk
Was not a true reflection
Of what he really felt.
But him trying to be tough.
But he had to show
A brave face and
No young person
Can sit and watch TV all day.

We would get a visit
From a mentally handi- capped
Bloke on same street
Everybody had a soft spot
For him because he
Was definitely harmless.
But me being stuck at home
And my parents not
Handling my rehab stay well.
Basically saying I
Would never recover,
I said that they
Tested him with more respect
Than they did me
And he didn't even have emotions
Then said he doesn't understand them
Slip of the tongue.
I felt like they
Treated him more humanely
Than they did me.
And he would always
Be that way.
Unable to look after himself.
All I needed was a rest and some space.
But what more can I say
It was twelve years ago
And I am here today in one peace
And my mind still has potential.

Maybe you should apologise
For being so childish
Chanting Sperm whale
And telling everyone I was "easy"
When I just like boys as friends

I also wonder what
The teacher whispered
To you in the Vic.
Ms. would be paramedic.
But on the other hand
He was trying to encourage
Me to stay on.

My parents were over protective.
I went home to
Watch sky movies
While my friends
Got drunk and spoke to the n.e.b.
It was Freds cousin specifically,
Who had major issues.
She didn't do as well
In her exams as she thought.
I was being humble
Saying I just had a good memory
And she said :
That's because your Autistic .
I thought it was simply
Her dark sense of humour.
And I let it slide.
But she said it
Again and again.
And I realised that
She was convinced of this.

Thank you for
Giving me award.
I didn't feel deserved of it.
Considering it was a teachers
Fault that my
Subconscious erected a
Wall between my emotions
And memories. I began
To consider that I may
Find answers, not in pictures.
But that words
Can create picture.
We all read books
And have an impression
Of what the characters
May look like in real life.
And when we watch films
Sometimes we are like:
DorIan Gray is blonde
In the book
I envisioned him as Ryan Gosling
Not Prince Caspian.

All my English teachers
Were inspiring to me.
Thank you to all three.