eye of the hurricane

I just came out of a week or so of being in my head, reacting to the real world as if my thoughts were true instead of just my thoughts. My fear of someone leaving me turned to thinking it was actually happening and trying to prevent it and trying to bring that person closer to me. But the truth is that the person was not leavng me; the only thing that was real was my fear.

I lashed out at someone else, not the one I was afraid was leaving of course. Someone 'safe' to lash out at. I've paced with worry, rushed about in panic, cried an ocean, lost sleep, had suicidal thoughts, and stuffed my mouth with food. All the wrong places to look for help, for relief, for soothing.

Now that it's been resolved and I've come out of that foggy place where I have no control, no help, no hope. I'm clear headed and calm.

I know the storminess of my moods will come again because this pattern has been consistent in my life. It's excrutiating and frightening. But this time I've been able to see where things began and how they escalated. I feel like that was a different person that the person I feel like right this moment. I have much to think about. Much to use in my therapy and a clearer picture of what to explore.

But I know the storm will come back.

I feel like I'm in the eye of the hurricane. But I will enjoy it while it's here. This is good thinking time.

Has anyone else had a similar experience/s? Have you been able to learn from them, explore the pattern in therapy, learn to head them off in the future?

Echoes, your wonderful recitation of your recent experience reminded me of the Adam Sandler/Drew Barrymore movie, 50 First Dates :-)

I think the more we experience and note our experience with a particular experience the better we are prepared the next time an experience like that experience comes along. If you are in the eye of the storm, the backside will go smoother because you've "been there, done that" before?

Perna

It hasn't worked that way before. It's been a repitition where I would get relief, and that was all that mattered. I went on my merry way, only to do it all over again another time. Suddenly I would be in the middle of it all again and wouldn't see that it was all my creation through misperceptions and projecting.

This time feels different. I think I'm ready to examine how it works in my mind.

Yes, but like the movie (have you seen the movie?) put yourself together a "book" that you read every morning? I think you such just print your post and carry it around with you and read it and remember every time you start to have trouble. It's really a wonderful post!

Perna, I didn't see the movie, but I think it's like Groundhog's Day, where the same day is repeated over and over until Bill Murray finally "gets it".

As alway, thank you for your thoughts.

I have more to do on this yet...

Wow. I really wish I had something to share with you.. some words of wisdom or hope.. because I sure as hell could use it right now. This last week has been one of the most trying weeks of my life (definitely top 2). Everything you said really hit home, like it came out of my own head.

I know where you're at. I wish I could help you make sense of it, or find a starting place where it's easier to deal. All I can say really is, I just live in the moment until I pass out from exhaustion. I wake up and I do what I have to. I live. Staying busy helps me through the week till therapy.

And when the world comes crashing down on you, LET IT OUT. Don't hold it back, because it will just revisit you soon after.

I wish you the best luck.

((((((((( ECHOES )))))))))