[Michael2Wolves]

I got pissed off with Steam games tonight, and immediately became bored with the whole damned thing. Like, all of my games. I really had to fight to not just smash my keyboard for lack of anything else to do, so I'm pretty sure that my boredom is in turn triggering more of my rage.

Boredom makes me very destructive and negative. Anyone else like that? I have OCPD, and obsessing comes as natural as breathing, which probably doesn't help.

So $%^&* BORED right now, I just want to snap out.

[AliceKate]

I used to have issues with boredom and I know it's common in some PDs. Sometimes it's good to get bored, you can find something new and bright to occupy your time, and this might teach you that there are other awesome things out there worth your time.

[Michael2Wolves]

Unfortunately, boredom to me means more time to ruminate, and there's not much I am able to ruminate on that brings me joy, so it's usually just an exercise in pissing myself off. Today would be a prime example in that I have a job waiting for me making $14 an hour--and can't find housing in Austin that will rent to me, with the result that I might not get the job because they won't give it to me if I have to live under an overpass. That sparks a deeper rage, in turn, that causes me to have to not leave or I'm going to go do something even worse because why not?

[AliceKate]

That honestly souns like a messed up situation to be in and certainly warranting anger. Can you rent a room in the meantime? Just until you get the job?

[Michael2Wolves]

Haha, for how long? $1700 a month for a fleabag hotel sounds terrible.

[AliceKate]

I was thinking subletting a room in a regular appartement.

[Michael2Wolves]

I have a dog and a gf and a criminal background and plenty of money and nowhere to spend it.

The dream job is waiting for me, but it's nothing but another *******ed carrot on a stick being used by the Pattern because there is no way to actualize the dream by finding a place.

My cash doesn't spend as well, apparently.

[AliceKate]

Well, if you have that much cash, a hotel seems a option if it lands you that job..

[Michael2Wolves]

No, because that's just what the public rate is. Upon inquiry, the room will:

> Be rented
> Getting fumigated
> Hotel burned down
> Have No vacancy

Nope, I'm pretty much just going to say eff it to the job because the way the guy is talking, he is going to "keep looking" until I get down here, which means, he's going to hire someone without baggage regardless of my "skill."

Therefore, I don't have a job, I don't have housing, I don't have a future with anything other than misery to look forward to because this is a repeating pattern, and always will be. Boredom merely peels off the veneer and forces one's eye to see it, regardless of desire.

[AliceKate]

If you stop fighting, you have lost already. If you want this job and do not give it a chance, then the fault is yours. Try and fail, it's better than not trying at all. Platitudes, but sometimes they help. Up to you.

[Michael2Wolves]

It's not that I've stopped fighting; I've just recognized the fact that the fists I have used to pound against the steel wall have been reduced to stumps from my pounding, and aren't really fit to use anymore and worse, cannot be used to grasp any other tool as well.

So this becomes a mere pantomime, reduced to the spectacle of theater because I know how it will turn out, and I know what will be said, and I know what I will say in response. Only, I'm not allowed to say that because then I'm "being pessimistic," and not something else entirely that no one wants to talk about because it makes them uncomfortable. They are made uncomfortable because their mind itches and aches from trying to avoid recognizing the fact that I am saying my pool of Lifetime Potentiality has been reduced to naught--every possible path my life could take, that sum total number, has been reduced to a few miserable possibilities, none of which lead to a happy ending. So instead, I am told it is merely a "self-fulfilling prophecy" and not simple recognition of what is a very simple and apparent truth.

Cognitive dissonance is grand, ain't it?

So sure, I'll grind through and "keep trying," because I've got nothing better to do, but in the back of my mind is always the knowledge that I'm merely doing it for show because that is the only way anyone will ever believe, and it's only a one-way belief, not true understanding. It will only ever be viewed from the point of being a self-fulfilling prophecy and nothing else because to do so is to invite in very uncomfortable questions about oneself as the inner eye is naturally forever wont to conduct self-examination. It is, I am convinced, as natural as breathing in all of us because all of us need something to strive for.

When nothing remains to strive for other than farce and pantomime for the sake of show, and everything is revealed to be a hollow simulacrum of life, then what?

I have no answer.

[AliceKate]

I hear what you say and you say it beautifully. I have rarely broken the law and I have never been caught the few times I mildly broke the law. However, though my life is well enough, I feel you. Doors close as I get older, though the doors have a different height for you. I understand you get annoyed when people such as I say things such as I did. Getting a job and making an effort is frustrating if you've met the same dead end multiple times. But continue we must, for the alternative is so much more final than trying again and again and again to find some sort of fullfilment or at least contentment.

I neither have an aswer. I don't understand why you and I exist at all. I do wish both of us good luck anyways on that path to nowhere.

[Michael2Wolves]

I the same to you.

"...my hell--to know before I die
while all those years ahead still lie."

[AliceKate]

Thank you, also for the fragment of the poem, it is lovely.

As is this, though you will forgive me for changing it - Death inspires me like a rabbit inspires a dog... would've fit too, once upon a time. How things change, it is most curious, though self-inflicted. I guess most things are. You can pm me if you like, but don't bother if you can't bother.

[Michael2Wolves]

You're welcome. Is the world not a stage and we merely the players for the audience of everyone?

It is from a poem I wrote called, The Joke:

With the passing of the days,
it gets harder just to say
what is real and what is dream,
what is hope when life seems

to have plans for my destruction--
just a part of my construction.
Plans t'were laid years ago--
Watch me bounce to and fro

according to the Pattern's whim
even as my life grows dim,
long before my time is due,
but here's a secret, just for you:

It's all a joke at our expense,
that is why it makes no sense--
we're all expected to play our part
and ignore the yearnings of our heart.

For in the end it's all in vain,
all of our suffering, all of our pain:
my hell--to know before I die
while all those years ahead still lie.

Sorry, I'm writing this late at night so I'm fading out. lol

[AliceKate]

Awesome, thanks <3

But no, as people are not attentive, they are no true audience. They comment on what they see, yes, but they take no care to see all. And while we play along, I would hardly call us players, for players enact true choice. We are but pieces in a game played, our choice is there, we could be players, but we do not play. At least I do not truly play, maybe that's the problem.

[Michael2Wolves]

Boredom, if nothing else, is good for ruminating on existence. lol Where is the line where simple fate becomes choice? The closer one examines reality for that line, the more one finds one doesn't exist, and it calls into question the whole. I see it as nothing but a grand Mandelbrot set, running forever, and each "new" node is nothing but a facsimile of smaller size of the larger whole. So it is with nature; so it most likely is with humanity and consciousness.

[AliceKate]

Yes, indeed, we appear to not exist, and still I can walk past another person and be anxious that I cough. What's up with that?
fate, choice, who cares? I don't know which is which and which of the two exist. Gotta make choices anyways..

[Michael2Wolves]

That these questions exist at all is disturbing in itself. I think it was best summed up in Calvin & Hobbes:

[AliceKate]

They got it right!

[Michael2Wolves]

Truly, Bill Waterson tapped into something with Calvin & Hobbes that resonates strongly in many. In many ways, these comics are nothing but an illustrated form of the philosophy of Bill Waterson, who questions like we all do; he just has a very eloquent and visually beautiful way of doing so.

[AliceKate]

One day, when I no longer work and have the time and peace for this, I will finally read Sartre's "being and nothing", that I have bought with 16 or so...

[Michael2Wolves]

For me, reading philosophy is akin to reading Stephen King for others, I think. Watching A Waking Life was an exercise in madness...the worst part? I perceived the Pattern long before seeing this movie.

What does a rando actor in the middle of the movie you see only in this scene say?

"As the Pattern gets more intricate and subtle, being swept along is no longer enough."

One of the things mentioned as well is that Philip K. D ick once wrote some things into a novel which he thought were fiction, and they turned out to be true. He theorized that time is an illusion and he had had somehow seen through it; thus, we are all existing in the past, and the illusion is meant to distract us because God is imminent.

...yeah, that movie for me was like the moment Alice decided to step through the mirror, and life since continues to grow more and more surreal. So, I guess being bored focuses in on the futility of it all. I see connections, no matter how tenuous and lengthy the chain, as chains of probabilities, and the future is nothing but probabilities at the quantum, zero-spacetime nodes that constitutes the "froth" described by Planck and Heisenberg.

[AliceKate]

Makes you wonder, doesn't it, if our minds can't travel in time. I had a vision of the beginning of the end of the world not too long ago, but I don't even know if god exists or not. It's mostly funny, how the mind works. I wish we could laugh at it all the time and not despair over it as we do. And a lot of times it is the questions we despair over, not the answers. The letter, we can arrange ourselves with.

The world is surreal, even physics says so. What we perceive to be true is kind of false considering small particle physics. Etc. Honestly, this is a bit tireing, constently considering what is real or not. No way we can tell. But yeah, it's like reaching through the surface of a lake and realizing your hand is dry, while everyone else does the same thing and either lacks realization or realizes the hand is dry and convinces themself it isn't.

You'd think swallowing the red pill would make life more real. Instead it makes it unrealistic and see-through.

I guess I know which movie to see tonight, though I'm not sure I can bear it.

[Michael2Wolves]

The secret, I think, is that it's all fractal. Mandelbrot was on to something. That fractal rhythm is found in all of life and throughout the universe. Frequent pauses to go get fruit snacks helps your mind sort of digest it in chunks.