FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Account Suspended
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,160
6 247 hugs
given |
#1
I got pissed off with Steam games tonight, and immediately became bored with the whole damned thing. Like, all of my games. I really had to fight to not just smash my keyboard for lack of anything else to do, so I'm pretty sure that my boredom is in turn triggering more of my rage.
Boredom makes me very destructive and negative. Anyone else like that? I have OCPD, and obsessing comes as natural as breathing, which probably doesn't help. So $%^&* BORED right now, I just want to snap out. |
Reply With Quote |
Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
3 2,208 hugs
given |
#2
I used to have issues with boredom and I know it's common in some PDs. Sometimes it's good to get bored, you can find something new and bright to occupy your time, and this might teach you that there are other awesome things out there worth your time.
|
Reply With Quote |
Michael2Wolves
|
Account Suspended
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,160
6 247 hugs
given |
#3
Unfortunately, boredom to me means more time to ruminate, and there's not much I am able to ruminate on that brings me joy, so it's usually just an exercise in pissing myself off. Today would be a prime example in that I have a job waiting for me making $14 an hour--and can't find housing in Austin that will rent to me, with the result that I might not get the job because they won't give it to me if I have to live under an overpass. That sparks a deeper rage, in turn, that causes me to have to not leave or I'm going to go do something even worse because why not?
|
Reply With Quote |
Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
3 2,208 hugs
given |
#4
That honestly souns like a messed up situation to be in and certainly warranting anger. Can you rent a room in the meantime? Just until you get the job?
|
Reply With Quote |
Account Suspended
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,160
6 247 hugs
given |
#5
Haha, for how long? $1700 a month for a fleabag hotel sounds terrible.
|
Reply With Quote |
Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
3 2,208 hugs
given |
#6
I was thinking subletting a room in a regular appartement.
|
Reply With Quote |
Account Suspended
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,160
6 247 hugs
given |
#7
I have a dog and a gf and a criminal background and plenty of money and nowhere to spend it.
The dream job is waiting for me, but it's nothing but another *******ed carrot on a stick being used by the Pattern because there is no way to actualize the dream by finding a place. My cash doesn't spend as well, apparently. |
Reply With Quote |
Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
3 2,208 hugs
given |
#8
Well, if you have that much cash, a hotel seems a option if it lands you that job..
|
Reply With Quote |
Account Suspended
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,160
6 247 hugs
given |
#9
No, because that's just what the public rate is. Upon inquiry, the room will:
> Be rented > Getting fumigated > Hotel burned down > Have No vacancy Nope, I'm pretty much just going to say eff it to the job because the way the guy is talking, he is going to "keep looking" until I get down here, which means, he's going to hire someone without baggage regardless of my "skill." Therefore, I don't have a job, I don't have housing, I don't have a future with anything other than misery to look forward to because this is a repeating pattern, and always will be. Boredom merely peels off the veneer and forces one's eye to see it, regardless of desire. |
Reply With Quote |
Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
3 2,208 hugs
given |
#10
If you stop fighting, you have lost already. If you want this job and do not give it a chance, then the fault is yours. Try and fail, it's better than not trying at all. Platitudes, but sometimes they help. Up to you.
|
Reply With Quote |
Account Suspended
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,160
6 247 hugs
given |
#11
It's not that I've stopped fighting; I've just recognized the fact that the fists I have used to pound against the steel wall have been reduced to stumps from my pounding, and aren't really fit to use anymore and worse, cannot be used to grasp any other tool as well.
So this becomes a mere pantomime, reduced to the spectacle of theater because I know how it will turn out, and I know what will be said, and I know what I will say in response. Only, I'm not allowed to say that because then I'm "being pessimistic," and not something else entirely that no one wants to talk about because it makes them uncomfortable. They are made uncomfortable because their mind itches and aches from trying to avoid recognizing the fact that I am saying my pool of Lifetime Potentiality has been reduced to naught--every possible path my life could take, that sum total number, has been reduced to a few miserable possibilities, none of which lead to a happy ending. So instead, I am told it is merely a "self-fulfilling prophecy" and not simple recognition of what is a very simple and apparent truth. Cognitive dissonance is grand, ain't it? So sure, I'll grind through and "keep trying," because I've got nothing better to do, but in the back of my mind is always the knowledge that I'm merely doing it for show because that is the only way anyone will ever believe, and it's only a one-way belief, not true understanding. It will only ever be viewed from the point of being a self-fulfilling prophecy and nothing else because to do so is to invite in very uncomfortable questions about oneself as the inner eye is naturally forever wont to conduct self-examination. It is, I am convinced, as natural as breathing in all of us because all of us need something to strive for. When nothing remains to strive for other than farce and pantomime for the sake of show, and everything is revealed to be a hollow simulacrum of life, then what? I have no answer. |
Reply With Quote |
Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
3 2,208 hugs
given |
#12
I hear what you say and you say it beautifully. I have rarely broken the law and I have never been caught the few times I mildly broke the law. However, though my life is well enough, I feel you. Doors close as I get older, though the doors have a different height for you. I understand you get annoyed when people such as I say things such as I did. Getting a job and making an effort is frustrating if you've met the same dead end multiple times. But continue we must, for the alternative is so much more final than trying again and again and again to find some sort of fullfilment or at least contentment.
I neither have an aswer. I don't understand why you and I exist at all. I do wish both of us good luck anyways on that path to nowhere. |
Reply With Quote |
Michael2Wolves
|
Michael2Wolves
|
Account Suspended
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,160
6 247 hugs
given |
#13
I the same to you. "...my hell--to know before I die while all those years ahead still lie." |
Reply With Quote |
AliceKate
|
Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
3 2,208 hugs
given |
#14
Thank you, also for the fragment of the poem, it is lovely.
As is this, though you will forgive me for changing it - Death inspires me like a rabbit inspires a dog... would've fit too, once upon a time. How things change, it is most curious, though self-inflicted. I guess most things are. You can pm me if you like, but don't bother if you can't bother. |
Reply With Quote |
Michael2Wolves
|
Michael2Wolves
|
Account Suspended
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,160
6 247 hugs
given |
#15
You're welcome. Is the world not a stage and we merely the players for the audience of everyone?
It is from a poem I wrote called, The Joke: With the passing of the days, it gets harder just to say what is real and what is dream, what is hope when life seems to have plans for my destruction-- just a part of my construction. Plans t'were laid years ago-- Watch me bounce to and fro according to the Pattern's whim even as my life grows dim, long before my time is due, but here's a secret, just for you: It's all a joke at our expense, that is why it makes no sense-- we're all expected to play our part and ignore the yearnings of our heart. For in the end it's all in vain, all of our suffering, all of our pain: my hell--to know before I die while all those years ahead still lie. Sorry, I'm writing this late at night so I'm fading out. lol |
Reply With Quote |
Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
3 2,208 hugs
given |
#16
Awesome, thanks <3
But no, as people are not attentive, they are no true audience. They comment on what they see, yes, but they take no care to see all. And while we play along, I would hardly call us players, for players enact true choice. We are but pieces in a game played, our choice is there, we could be players, but we do not play. At least I do not truly play, maybe that's the problem. |
Reply With Quote |
Account Suspended
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,160
6 247 hugs
given |
#17
Boredom, if nothing else, is good for ruminating on existence. lol Where is the line where simple fate becomes choice? The closer one examines reality for that line, the more one finds one doesn't exist, and it calls into question the whole. I see it as nothing but a grand Mandelbrot set, running forever, and each "new" node is nothing but a facsimile of smaller size of the larger whole. So it is with nature; so it most likely is with humanity and consciousness.
|
Reply With Quote |
Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
3 2,208 hugs
given |
#18
Yes, indeed, we appear to not exist, and still I can walk past another person and be anxious that I cough. What's up with that?
fate, choice, who cares? I don't know which is which and which of the two exist. Gotta make choices anyways.. |
Reply With Quote |
Michael2Wolves
|
Account Suspended
Member Since Jan 2018
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,160
6 247 hugs
given |
#19
That these questions exist at all is disturbing in itself. I think it was best summed up in Calvin & Hobbes:
|
Reply With Quote |
AliceKate
|
Grand Member
Member Since Jan 2021
Location: On a raindrop far, far away
Posts: 871
3 2,208 hugs
given |
#20
They got it right!
|
Reply With Quote |
Michael2Wolves
|